Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about my wife?

37 replies

ZarniGarden · 31/08/2017 08:12

Not that it makes any difference but this is a lesbian relationship. We've been together for 24yrs and have grown up kids. My wife is the higher earner by a very long way but super frugal and likes to freecycle/ebay for furniture etc whilst giving away a large chunk of her salary to charity every month. These last few years after being a sahm I've started my own business which is working ok but the profits are small. Being the higher earner my wife insists on total control of the finances and I'm beginning to feel cut out. She's making all the decisions about how we live and I come back from work to find yet another permanent feature I have no say over. The latest thing was finding one of those giant metal bike storage sheds in the front garden where my veg patch used to be! No consultation. I feel like there's no place for me in my own home.

Now to the problem in hand, her brother died some time back and she's the sole beneficiary. She announced last night that she intends to give half the legacy to charity and the other half to savings -in her name only. I have no input whatsoever. I find this massively frustrating. I never have a say in anything. I feel insecure financially and I'm fed up of us only ever living how she dictates. Our whole house is full of make-do & mend. There are more than enough funds to be able to change things a little but I'm only allowed to if I pay for it/do it myself in the same charitable/skip surfing way she does. Aibu? After all this time I want us both to be equal, making joint decisons.

OP posts:
Putyourhandsintheair · 31/08/2017 08:19

This seems to be about differing values to me rather than finances per se. Your wife obviously has strong ideas regarding recycling, reusing etc and I assume she feels she has a strong moral duty to donate to charity if she can either charity in general or a charity that she has a particular affinity to. Whilst these morals and values are laudable they are certainly not for everyone.

Does she appreciate that as a SAHM you have sacrificed your earning potential over some years and it will take time to catch up with her?

What does she say when you tell her you feel excluded?

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 08:21

I think you need to consider your worth in the relationship.
You should be an equal partner in any relationship/marriage and it does not sound like you are.
Your wife does not respect you so does not ask your opinion on anything.
That needs addressing OP.
If she cannot see how badly she has treated you then I am not sure if continuing your marriage will be the best thing for you.
I am sorry Flowers

missyB1 · 31/08/2017 08:23

It's all very controlling of her isn't it? Couples are supposed to be a partnership, why is she making all the decisions, ask her why she doesn't respect your right to an opinion. Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship where I felt so insignificant. As for the finances she can try and put it all in her name but if you are married you will have a right to your share if it it comes to a divorce.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2017 08:25

She's forgetting that charity begins at home obviously.

It doesn't sound like an equal partnership and her belief is that she can do what she wants with the money she earns.

I dislike the pretence of being such a nice charitable person, yet your wife is struggling.

Original poster
ZarniGarden · 31/08/2017 08:26

I asked her to come to Relate with me but she said no as she doesn't have a problem Sad Unfortunately, I'll never catch up in salary terms, our two industries are very different.

OP posts:
Putyourhandsintheair · 31/08/2017 08:28

Well if you are unhappy, feel excluded, and with someone who is not prepared to listen to your concerns or work to improve things you are left with fewer choices.
Has she changed or have you do you think?

Original poster
ZarniGarden · 31/08/2017 08:29

Two years ago under pressure from her (and to win her love & approval) I gave away most of my 'rainy day' fund to a charitable project she was passionate about and now I'm in a more depleted position.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZarniGarden · 31/08/2017 08:32

It's just not an equal union. Because we have food on the table and a roof over our heads, we're not as 'in need' as others. But I'd like new sofas and a new bathroom suite but that's just 'unnecessary'.

OP posts:
Putyourhandsintheair · 31/08/2017 08:32

to win her love and approval
And what does she do to win your love and approval?

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 08:33

You can go to relate on your iwn I think.

It maybe a fiod thibg for you to have some therapy and help you see that you are worth more than your wife makes you feel.

Putyourhandsintheair · 31/08/2017 08:34

It's a difference in values. You're not going to change her any more than she can change you.

It sounds like you want different things.

msrisotto · 31/08/2017 08:37

Jesus. You need to look after yourself OP because she certainly isn't. Why did you give away your savings if you don't have a good income yourself?

And do you see this working out, really? She doesn't care that you're unhappy. If you care about your own happiness, you're probably going to have to leave.

corythatwas · 31/08/2017 08:40

It's not just a difference in values: it's a difference in how you are being valued. She basically does not see you as an equal that she needs to listen to as much as you listen to her.

If her savings are kept apart from you but your savings are to be given away to make her feel confirmed in her values she clearly does not have your future wellbeing at heart.

I would consider your set-up borderline financial abuse.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 31/08/2017 08:41

Big Red Flags here!!

So did she ask you to give away all your rainy day fund, to prove you love her?

And I can't get over her putting the bike she'd over your veg patch!

This is not about differing values, it's about her being a controlling arse!

wherearemymarbles · 31/08/2017 08:53

Whats yours is hers and whats hers is her Own as she she's it
She wont change, she is financially abusive and feels that money spent on charity is better than her own family. This is way to live OP.

You and your children would be better off leaving.

supersop60 · 31/08/2017 08:54

Controlling. It's a form of abuse.

DownTownAbbey · 31/08/2017 08:54

As Sandy said, charity begins at home. I'm not saying giving money away to charity is bad but she seems to get something (a sense of fulfilment) from giving that doesn't extend to you!

The controlling attitude towards a SAHP is unacceptable. I've been there and you feel totally devalued. You're 'sacrifice' with regards to earning potential should be respected, not seen as proof that your opinion and needs are unimportant.

If she can't see your POV I'd end the relationship and recoup some of your losses by claiming half her savings in the divorce. Sad after so many years but if her views are ingrained it might be like trying to turn the Titanic.

Joysmum · 31/08/2017 08:59

The auestion was, "What to do about my wife?"

The answer is that you can't do anything as your attempts at trying have already led to her telling you that she doesn't have a problem.

You're powerless in your relationship and that won't change. You either accept it or call it a day Sad

paradoxicalInterruption · 31/08/2017 09:00

I'd leave if anyone damaged my veg patch. We'd be so far apart in values and thoughts that there'd be no pint in staying.

UniqueSiren · 31/08/2017 09:01

I'm in a relationship where I'm a SAHM and DH controls all the finances. I would even go as far as calling him financially abusive at times (but he is autistic and - is now - trying to remedy this because he knows it's unfair...)
Even he isn't as bad as this.
This is super disrespectful and she is ultimately treating you like another one of the children.
What happens when things are discussed? Do you mention the things she does (like the bike shed thingy)? What is her attitude when questioned?

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2017 09:03

It's financial abuse as far as I can see.
Not something you should put up with.
You'd be better out of this.

zen1 · 31/08/2017 09:03

Sorry OP but this is very controlling behaviour on the part of your wife. She has been totally dismissive of your feelings and it seems to be bordering on financial abuse. I know it will be hard for you, but in your position I would take steps to make a break from this relationship. Your feelings and opinions should be of equal value to those of your wife's.

PurpleWithRed · 31/08/2017 09:05

How can you love this person?

RebelRogue · 31/08/2017 09:43

If she won't talk,admit there's a problem or consider counselling there's nothing you can do. You can't fix a relationship on your own.
The only options are put up with it or leave.
Have you told her how you feel?how unhappy you are? Does she even care?

Ellisandra · 31/08/2017 10:11

I can't get my head round the metal shed on top of your vegetable patch!

Was this an actual vegetable patch, currently in use, and the shed was literally on top of your plants?

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where anyone would think that was OK. Like if it was a rough patch that you'd spend 10 years calling "my veg patch" but had yet to plant it (I have a flower border given to over run grass that I still think of as a border... one day...) and she'd been saying did months "you don't use it, we need storage". I'm not trying to excuse her - I'm just trying to understand how she could ever think it was OK!

Honestly, I know this sounds dramatic... but if someone just dumped a shed on my garden like that, I would divorce them. The utter disregard and contempt would be too much.

And having given away my savings, I'd be getting the divorce application in quick before any more inheritance was given away to charity. One has to be practical.

I don't think you have a hope in hell of her changing - she's always been like this and it's only now (for whatever reason) you are finding it intolerable.