What to do about my wife?

[ZarniGarden]

Not that it makes any difference but this is a lesbian relationship. We've been together for 24yrs and have grown up kids. My wife is the higher earner by a very long way but super frugal and likes to freecycle/ebay for furniture etc whilst giving away a large chunk of her salary to charity every month. These last few years after being a sahm I've started my own business which is working ok but the profits are small. Being the higher earner my wife insists on total control of the finances and I'm beginning to feel cut out. She's making all the decisions about how we live and I come back from work to find yet another permanent feature I have no say over. The latest thing was finding one of those giant metal bike storage sheds in the front garden where my veg patch used to be! No consultation. I feel like there's no place for me in my own home.

Now to the problem in hand, her brother died some time back and she's the sole beneficiary. She announced last night that she intends to give half the legacy to charity and the other half to savings -in her name only. I have no input whatsoever. I find this massively frustrating. I never have a say in anything. I feel insecure financially and I'm fed up of us only ever living how she dictates. Our whole house is full of make-do & mend. There are more than enough funds to be able to change things a little but I'm only allowed to if I pay for it/do it myself in the same charitable/skip surfing way she does. Aibu? After all this time I want us both to be equal, making joint decisons.

Giving to charity is great but there is a bit of the she can feel great about herself vibe coming across, a sort of lady bountiful scenario whilst financially abusing her own wife. If married on divorce assets are split 50/50, not sure about inheritances being divided though, maybe someone knowledgable will come along.

She is treating you really badly and is very controlling, you have tried to talk to her and suggested counselling. That was the last straw and I seperated from my DH when he refused to acknowledge problems and go to counselling. We did get back together but our relationship breakdown was totally different to yours.

OP this does sound financially abusive, at the very least. If you are married all funds are joint funds. You've just as much right to have a say in finances, as your unpaid contribution to the family will have run into £000,000's. Your wife wouldn't have got as far as she did in her career if you hadn't been SAHM.

Perhaps more disconcerting is how you say she is making all the decisions about how you live. Do you get a say in anything?

If this was a man doing this, there would be a fair few LTB's by now.

I don't understand your point about "if it was a man doing this".
Absolutely every single post has said it is unacceptable.
None have said she should put up with it.
Several have said they would leave.
Several others have said less directly that the wife has left the OP with limited options.
I don't see any difference responses here than what I see on MN when it is a man behaving in a manner like this.

"Being the higher earner my wife insists on total control of the finances and I'm beginning to feel cut out. "

It sounds rather financially abusive to be honest, and I would be thinking very seriously about whether the role you currently find yourself in in your own life is one you can live with for the rest of your life. It sounds like she has taken charge of everything and is running it all solely for her own benefit and preferences - where do you think you come in her list of priorities?

Surely things like destroying a vegetable patch (which most people who are trying to a waste free / low impact life would value) and making you give up your savings while keeping savings for herself contradict her overall charitable approach? Does she give up things she really want or are her wants essentials and its just your wants that are wasteful?

Whatever her industry, having a SAHP makes progressing much easier. You have contributed to her success.

I think if you dont start getting a say in how your life is lived, LTSW (leave the selfish wotsit)

Financial abuse is legitimate abuse, not to mention she sounds horribly controlling and doesn't consider how you feel about any of this.

I would want out of this situation ASAP if I were you, she doesn't sound like she's about to change her ways anytime soon. Please also remember that just because she is the high earner doesn't mean you'd walk away with nothing in a divorce settlement.

Yours sounds like a very unequal relationship in so many ways. She's financially controlling, generally controlling with regard to decision making, and appears to under value you as both a person with your own opinions and as her wife.

It's unlikely that she will change. She doesn't need to, does she? So the question really is - what are you going to do about your situation?

When you're married you should be equal with equal access to funds. This is just the absolute minimum.

Big purchases should be discussed and agreed.

Your wife doesn't respect you.

As one PP said, it sounds like you have very different values. If she won't acknowledge you have problems and agree to counselling I'm not sure how you can progress.

What do your children think about the way she treats you?

Are you actually married OP. If so, half of her money is yours and vice versa.

I wouldn't be happy about that controlling behaviour at all. It makes no difference who earns the most money and it's extremely arrogant of her to think that it does. I wouldn't put up with that from anyone.

She sounds horrible and she's abusive. She's also very manipulative and you'd be better off without her.

LTB (leave the bitch)