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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am not sure if i should worry about this but i do

33 replies

chocolatecookiess · 30/08/2017 21:01

Hello. I am with DP for two years. We have plans for him to move in with me at the beginning of the new year and later start a family. There is something that bothers me , i keep telling myself that i am overreacting and i push it at the back of my mind . But its there all the time .
DP is on his thirties. It seems to me that there is something odd (?) about the frequency and the reasons that he changes jobs.
I must say that he never claimed benefits (i know for sure that he hasnt since we met, as for before that he says he never did) and never asked me for any money . And he seems to work hard , at least thats what i think. But since i met him he changed 4 (or 5 ,not sure) jobs
When i met him he was working for a company related to his field. I though that everything was fine but one day out of the blue he decided to leave and change town to pursue " a better future". From what he said later , the company didnt gave him the opportunities he needed etc. Ok so far seemed reasonable to me
Then he found job number 2. This lasted a month or so. He seemed fine with it but soon started complaining that it was physically very hard and was hurting his body causing him aches etc and he left
Then job number 3. This lasted couple weeks if i remember right. The manager didnt like him and something happened (cant remember details) and asked him to leave
I am not sure if there was one more and then he ended up in his current job. He is there 6 months and he started complaining about it from the beginning . The manager didnt like him, then this changed to they dont pay enough etc. But he stayed nevertheless. The last few weeks they made them work 6 days a week , long shifts.and he is exhausted and now this became the reason for him to want to quit
I am 40 and i changed in twenty years less jobs than he did in two years
On the other hand i keep telling myself that his reasons are valid (do i fool myself here?) and there is not reason for me to find this odd

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 21:07

I dunno that you should move in with him. What if he decided he didn't like his job and then couldn't pay the rent? How is he with money usually?

chocolatecookiess · 30/08/2017 21:11

He says that he is very good with money and that he liked saving etc. ia m not sure if this is all true though, because the one day he will brag that he saved x amount of money and then in a week or so he will say that he has no money and wants to save etc. My observation is that all he has (or he says that he has ) he spends them moving from job to job.

OP posts:
chocolatecookiess · 30/08/2017 21:12

and thank you for the reply

OP posts:
Hassled · 30/08/2017 21:13

Is he the sort who can't cope with having a boss - can't take instructions from others, can't cope with not being in charge, quick to think people are out to get them? Because something's going on - you're right, that is a hell of a lot of jobs in a short space of time. I think you need to think long and hard about what it would be like to live with someone like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 21:14

OMG, this is a HUGE red flag. Do not move in with this man and NEVER have kids with him. Nothing is his fault, all of his employers are stupid/incompetent, right? I don't think so. He is the problem. He can't commit or follow through. I promise that after you live together he will be pulling this bullshit on you. You don't listen, you don't understand, you're being a bitch, blah blah blah. Dump him as fast as you can. He will be like an anchor around your neck.

chocolatecookiess · 30/08/2017 21:15

i forgot to say that the reason this became a problem for me even more, is that he suggested to move in with me quicker than planned so he can use the money he saved so far, towards "us" and not between jobs. I am happy to move in with him quicker i just can not stop thinking what if this job thing is a red flag. Or is just me getting stressed over nothing....

OP posts:
Cambionome · 30/08/2017 21:17

Giant red flags here op. Definitely don't move in with him or start a family until you have given this a lot more thought. Changing jobs that often is unusual and worrying.

SleepFreeZone · 30/08/2017 21:19

OP to my mind he is lining you up to cover rent and bills between lay offs.

Cambionome · 30/08/2017 21:19

Cross posted!

No no no! Don't move in with him faster - this is very worrying!

LellyMcKelly · 30/08/2017 21:20

Your spider senses are tingling and for good reason. I'd put money on him getting fewer and fewer jobs once he has you to support him, with bigger spaces between each one. People like this can't take responsibility for their actions - everything is always someone else's fault, and in time it will all be your fault too. As others have said, think VERY carefully about tying yourself to this man. He could end up being a millstone round your neck.

AreWeThereYet000 · 30/08/2017 21:22

I don't know my partner is about to start his 4th job in 2 years.

Job 1 - they were making cuts in his department so he left before been let go (can verify this is the truth as I work for said company)
Job 2 - he took so he wasn't leaving place 1 with nothing, he wasn't planning to stay just any job is better than none.
Job 3 - was a job in his field whereas job 2 wasn't, he was very happy here however job 4 has been offered, at a higher position on more money, in his field just at a different company.

JoJoSM2 · 30/08/2017 21:25

I'd be put off. Whilst it's possible to be unlucky, this is so many jobs in such a short space of time that it's definitely him.

Bananalanacake · 30/08/2017 21:30

You can stay in a relationship with him, you don't have to live with him.

chocolatecookiess · 30/08/2017 21:32

As far as i know he has changed many jobs before we met too. I know of 6-7 but maybe are more. He is either unlucky either there is a pattern here . But as some comments say its never his fault, its always them .He made comments as managers were jealous and afraid for their jobs etc He even talked about great jobs that he was happy to be in and he was great at , so i wonder why those didnt last long either . I keep hoping that someone will tell me thats its all in my head and everything will be fine

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 30/08/2017 21:33

It doesn't sound great, particularly as unless I've misunderstood he seems to leave a job without having one to go to and blames the job for this. I had a partner like this and it caused me a lot of stress as he wouldn't have money for rent and I'd get anxious when he'd start complaining about his job as I knew he'd end up leaving it.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 21:33

If you allow him to move in, I guarantee you'll be supporting him 100%. You are worried about this for good reason. Don't ignore your instincts.

Cambionome · 30/08/2017 21:34

It's not all in your head, op.
Sad

Huldas · 30/08/2017 21:34

OP I have known several people who fit your description of your dp. The problem is entirely them, it does not improve and I advise you to move on from this guy. He will give you a miserable life if you stay.

Ninjakittysmells · 30/08/2017 21:35

I've had 4 jobs in last 2 years and im normal I promise!

Job 1 - company went bust
Job 2 - A more senior role working from home on a lot more money with flexible hours - made redundant
Job 3 - taken as emergency because of above so didn't really suit me / my level of work
Job 4 - set up my own business so people can stop bloody making me redundant!

Is this rate of jobs normal for him or just a spate of bad luck? Will you have a joint account when you move in together? Do you know how much he earns / what his outgoings are? These are all things I'd want to know before he moved in.

Good luck!

Ninjakittysmells · 30/08/2017 21:36

Oh crossed posts - that doesn't sound good, i would be very wary :(

BertieBotts · 30/08/2017 22:32

You want to have kids and you're 40?

No. Leave this relationship. Too many red flags and you don't have time to wait around and see if there's a harmless explanation for them. Unless you're not fussed either way about having children I'd strongly advise to break things off asap.

BertieBotts · 30/08/2017 22:34

I know this isn't a label you want to casually throw around actually, and I would be a bit wary of overusing it, but the job pattern is actuality ringing narcissist bells for me. Go and look up warning signs of NPD. I'd be quite shocked if he doesn't show anything else at all from that list.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 22:42

I've known people like this and it's always their fault. He sounds really flaky and I think if you move in with him he'll stop work immediately.

Does he ever have to produce a CV? I wonder how many jobs he's had since leaving school.

PotteryLottery · 30/08/2017 22:48

I'm surprised employers are willing to hire someone who has had so many short term jobs.

Is it unskilled labour?

LondonNicki · 30/08/2017 23:00

My biggest single issue with anyone who I am with is whether they take responsibility for their actions, their decisions and the consequences of both.

If he took some, any, responsibility I would feel better about this guy but a victim complex and blaming the world means this will translate to your life, his parenting his finances etc. Sorry I have experienced this first hand and had to walk away eventually.

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