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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do they ever come back?

38 replies

Fudgit · 30/08/2017 17:42

Second attempt at this (thanks mumsnet for deleting my previous thread) as the other one was really sappy and identifying.

Just wondering how often in your experience do people come back if things didn't work out the first time? I'm not talking about a long-term relationship, just someone I felt a strong connection to (mutually I would say) and things were a bit bumpy, the timing was off and we're now not in contact.

I'm open to moving on but also not especially interested in a relationship for its own sake, fairly content in that sense but I do miss this person and I'm wondering if in your experience it's quite common for people to leave it for a while and then reconnect, or is it usually just finished?

Maybe most people just move on especially in the age of OLD but this one was rather special, to me anywaySmile. OTOH if it's finished it's finished and I do have to assume it's final for my own wellbeing, I know that but would it be so bad to keep hoping a bit too?

Any experiences with this?

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 30/08/2017 17:46

How would we ever be able to tell you what this person is thinking?

Most likely, he was just not that into you, or it wouldn't have been "bumpy", or at least not bumpy enough to end things.

So you should move on.

Happytobefree17 · 30/08/2017 17:49

I think you need to move on for your own sanity.

Are you still in touch?

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 17:54

Not in touch and I agree moving on is for the best Smile. I'm not miserable about it, I just really liked him. No way of knowing, and he probably hasn't given it a second thought I guess. Oh well.

Just wondered how common it is really.

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 30/08/2017 18:22

I only know of one who went back. I worked with him. He left is wife for OW and he only went back because the whole family, teenage kids, his parents - everybody - refused to see him or speak to him. He was always so sad after he ditched OW.

Otherwise no. I don't personally know any who have gone back.

Please go to counselling. It can be incredibly helpful.

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 18:25

Thanks...not sure I need counselling for it but appreciate the thought. It's not the same situation as you described at all though.

OP posts:
arielmanto · 30/08/2017 18:31

Myself and DW met ten years before we finally got together properly. We had a brief attraction and as you say, things were in the way and life was not in the right place.
Ten years on we were both in the same place at the same time (geographically and emotionally) and we have never looked back! Now married with 1 DC.
I don't think it's usual though - and I certainly don't recommend waiting for a decade. I didn't feel like I was waiting, it just happened.

sanasa · 30/08/2017 18:35

Me and my now dh both had feelings for one another at the age of 17 (neither knew).
Only got together when we were 26.
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Howlongtilldinner · 30/08/2017 18:38

Wow OP..what a lucky escape you've had! He's showed you his true colours, and quite frankly I don't think he's over the ex.

You're worth much much more..believe that and you'll be fine..will take a while but you WILL surviveFlowers

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 30/08/2017 18:40

I think it's pretty rare to be honest. It can happen but, in my experience, (of relationships of all shapes and sizes over many years) , it's the exception rather than the rule. Relationships need nurture, love and care and splitting up is damaging. Some people overcome it but many don't. I would move on if I were you and put it down to experience. You will feel chemistry again with someone else - it might take a while - but it's more likely to happen with a new relationship than trying to rekindle an old one.

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 18:46

Um... Wondering if I posted something confusing, there wasn't anyone else involved.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 30/08/2017 18:50

I think you should move on. Option one: the other person isn't that interested. Option two: they are interested but they've got issues so they left in the first place. If you got back together, they'd still have issues and you'd have a shitty relationship.

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 18:51

Onemorecup that's true. It wasn't a full blown relationship but maybe if he came back I'd feel like a bit of a doormat to rekindle things.

Ariel that's a lovely story. Def won't be waiting ten years though don't worry Grin.

It feels quite rare for me to meet anyone I connect with like that and I just don't want to bother with OLD as it seems to be so fraught, and I'm not even bothered about being single - it's just this one person! I'd rather meet through a hobby or something as I did with this guy, than go looking. But maybe it would do me good to go out on some days, I'm just a bit shit at it!

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Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 18:52

JoJo what about option 3, circumstances change and issues are resolved? Or am I being silly to think that?

OP posts:
nuttyknitter · 30/08/2017 18:59

My DH and I split up after we'd been going out for 18 months. We both thought it was a final break but bumped into each other 6 months later, got married 18 months after that and have just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. Sometimes things do work out.

HighlyCompetentExWife · 30/08/2017 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howlongtilldinner · 30/08/2017 19:08

Ooh sorry OP..think I posted on the wrong threadConfused

Howlongtilldinner · 30/08/2017 19:09

Yep I definitely posted on the wrong threadBlush

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 19:13

@HighlyCompetentExWife thanks for your post. Yes, you're right that I'm torn but also, I just don't particularly want to 'move on'. It just doesn't feel natural to me...this will sound over the top but I think I love him rather than just like him, in that I really care deeply if that makes sense. I don't want to stay stuck either though because it feels ridiculous.

I think for me though it just feels more honest to accept that that's how I feel and not try to force anything (dating etc). There's no contact and I don't allow myself to look online, I try not to think about him too much but sometimes your feelings just are what they are. It was very significant for me.

OP posts:
HighlyCompetentExWife · 30/08/2017 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 22:13

I have this feeling it's not over but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

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HighlyCompetentExWife · 30/08/2017 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LanaDReye · 30/08/2017 22:45

Bizarrely I have just been in contact with a previous boyfriend today and we may pick up where we left off. It was only 6-8 weeks originally, very full on as seeing each other 3-4 times a week. Ended few months ago. He was stressed through a reason that is no longer a problem. It may work, may not, but we are not under pressure to make it work. It's honestly 50.50 at best, but I'm prepared for short term fun. In cases with more pressure I think odds are lower.

Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 23:21

@HighlyConfidentExWife well I am single obviously, so...Wink
Thanks for the good wishes. Same to you Flowers

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Original poster
Fudgit · 30/08/2017 23:22

Competent*

OP posts:
Original poster
Fudgit · 31/08/2017 15:04

Thinking about it a bit more... I really need to let go. But it's so hard Sad

OP posts: