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Original poster

Going to the inlays for baby's first Christmas- how to break it to my mum

43 replies

WilliowGreen · 30/08/2017 16:29

I have always gone to my parents house for Christmas even though I have been with my partner for 10 years and have been invited to his parents house. My partner usually goes to his parents but last year came with me to mine as I was pregnant and didn't want to be apart from him. We had invited both sets of parents to stay with us but my mother refused as we did not have a big enough dinner table.

I love my family but they are very domineering and I find stay at my parents house very stressful. My mother has filled what used to be my bedroom with junk. Last Christmas we could bearly get in the door and I was worried that things would fall on top of me.
The room is now so full of junk you can only just open the door but can't get inside. My mum assures me that it will be tidy by Christmas. I don't believe her.
We been united to my partner s parents and I really want to go. It will be much less stressful. However I am worried that my mother will go ballistic and I don't know how to deal with the emotional blackmail.
She wanted to move in for several months when my baby was born to help take care of her and generally boss me around. My partner pusuaded her to go home after a week as she was stressing me out just by visiting me in hospital. If we don't go to her this will reinforce her view we are 'keeping her grandchild from her.' We have just been up to visit for a week and had to stay in a hotel as the house is not baby proof.
She has already bought £500 worth of presents for DD ( who is 4 months old). I can't imagine what she can possibly have spent all that money on. What can I do to keep everyone happy?

OP posts:
regularbutpanickingabit · 30/08/2017 16:41

You just have to tell her that now you have a child then that child needs to spend equal time on celebration days with both sets of grandparents.

Don't make it about the junk room, don't allow her to dominate you, just keep saying that Christmas will be alternated.

Having said that, you are an adult who is with a partner and has a child. You don't have to spend Christmas or any other time with anywhere other than as a 3.

I know that's easier said than done, but you are allowed to have your own life too. Be strong.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 16:44

I don't think it's ever possible to keep everyone happy and all you do if you try is piss everyone off.

Just say you're going to your partner's family for Christmas but you'll see her the weekend before or on boxing day. Don't enter into negotiation or discussion

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 16:44

She created the problem by refusing to come to your house! She would have done better spending that £500 on a bigger dining table!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2017 16:48

Hi,

You do not mention your dad; is he still around?. Do you have siblings?.

You may love your family of origin but your mother is not at all lovely. She is dysfunctional, domineering, not above using emotional blackmail on you to keep you in line (all this crap about "you are keeping her grandchild away from her") and has bought £500 worth of presents (probably nothing at all suitable) for your 4 month old child; its all over the top behaviour and nothing that you would tolerate from a friend. Your mother is no different and it is not your fault she is like this. You did not make her that way.

It sounds like your mother also has a serious hoarding problem which has intensified further since you moved out. Again it is not your fault your mother hoards. It won't be tidy by Christmas either; there will be yet more stuff piled up.

Tell her of your plans now by phone or letter. You also need to deal with your own feelings now of fear, obligation and guilt re her and talking to a therapist may help you in that respect. You need to find someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

She would go ballistic regardless of what you said and did anyway. She cannot very well drag you into her home (and she only wants you there anyway so you can take care of her). I would raise your boundaries re her a lot higher as of now; they have been too low to date and she has continued to hurt you emotionally.

It is not your job to keep your mother happy; she is unhappy regardless and that has more to do with her own childhood experiences at the hands of her own family of origin.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2017 16:53

Do not JADE with someone like your mother (JADE is justify, argue, defend or explain) because it won't work.

State your point of view once and once only. Provide any clarifications that are asked for. Anything more than this is likely to be counter productive.

This is not to suggest that you should say nothing at all or back down in an argument. It is critical to take whatever action is necessary so that you, and any children under your care, can live in a safe, happy, healthy and productive environment. It's just not that necessary to talk very much about it.

ShesNoNormanPace · 30/08/2017 16:56

Well you could tell her that next Christmas will be so much more magical as DD will he older and understand more and be sooooo excited. .. and put off the argument for another year.

And then use the next year to train yourself to insure your boundaries are firmer so that when you invite her to yours for the magical christmas that she doesn't go ape about the size of your dinner table.

Putyourhandsintheair · 30/08/2017 17:03

Oh! I've been there!
I wouldn't tell her you'll alternate it or take in turns for xmas otherwise you are locked into all future years too.
Just say you have to balance dd seeing her family on both sides as well as time for just the three of you. That means this year you are going to dp's family. However you will see her on Boxing Day/ Christmas Eve/ New Year's Day/ the Sunday before or whatever you decide.
You have already spent xmas apart from your partner for years. She has been spoilt in having you to herself for too long.

If she complains just don't engage, like pp said.
I'm not saying it will be easy but if you do t do this now then you are going to go through this for years and years. Think of it as short term pain for long term gain.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 17:19

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness!! Simply tell her your plans and she will just have to deal with it. You're a grown woman and a mother now, it's time to stop allowing your mother to run roughshod over you. Absolutely refuse to listen to any abuse from her.

TittyGolightly · 30/08/2017 17:24

What can I do to keep everyone happy?

Our approach is unconventional, but it works: we attach no importance whatsoever to December 25th. It's just another day. At some point between November and January we will spend time with my family and DH's family and have a nice meal together. We've done this 7 years so far and will continue to. It removes all issues.

December 25th is spent just the 3 of us staying in PJs all day, eating whatever we fancy, playing games and watching films. Bliss.

Ellisandra · 30/08/2017 17:27

Good lord don't promise to alternate!

It does sound like you should tell her, as it would be fair for her to assume you're coming after 10 years of it! Especially as it seems you've already discussed the full bedroom.

Now, I'm a big fan of just owning your decisions. And just telling her you're off to PIL.

But given you've always gone to her, and it might be seen as a snub to go to PIL I'd consider just staying at home. You have your own family now. It's great not to be traipsing off to other people's!

RainyApril · 30/08/2017 17:34

I think there's no easy way to do it and you just need to make the call sooner rather than later so that she can get used to the idea and won't begin to make plans.

I would not attach any blame - about the room, for example - but just say that you are going to pil's as you've never been before.

If she chooses to become angry, or attempt to make you feel guilty, don't engage.

BUT I do think that you are getting grumpy about some things unnecessarily. Why be churlish about her spending money on her grandchild, until you know what she's bought? Why make an issue now about her not baby proofing her house, when your baby is only four months old and not yet mobile? Separate the important issues from the non-issues imo.

Original poster
WilliowGreen · 30/08/2017 17:35

This thread is making me feel better at least I know I am not being unreasonable.
My Dad is around and he is good st reigning my mother in a bit he would love to chuck out the junk ( and probably has thrown lots out secretly). I also have a sister who I get on well with. My Mum would never try this crap with her as she has a stronger personality.
It would be a lot easier if we could go to one family on Christmas Day and one on Boxing Day but they live do far apart that that would not be possible. My mother doesn't think that it's necessary for DD to ever see DPs parents at Christmas as in their country of origin they don't celebrate Christmas and they can see her at other special occasions they have.
We do have a good relationship and she is kind to me but it has got more difficult in recent years. She has bad health and her mum has Altzimers and she is her main career a lot of the junk in the house is granny's.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 30/08/2017 17:38

I'd say you both went to hers last year and you're both going to his parents this year because it's fair. Say you'll go to hers on Boxing Day. But I agree with others not to let her believe you'll continuously alternate.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 17:42

"now you have a child then that child needs to spend equal time on celebration days with both sets of grandparents"

Well no, not if one grandparent is toxic. It doesn't have to be equal at all.

OP, listen to Attila. And maybe read "Toxic Parents".

NeonFlower · 30/08/2017 17:44

Don't promise alternate years as you may want to stay home yourselves in future years. Say, we are going to x's on christmas day, so when can we do something special with you - and suggest a plan eg christmas eve, new years day. After we had dd's we just said we were not going to travel every year, but usually said we would be open house for visitors, sometimes had it just the four of us.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/08/2017 17:48

Having said that, you are an adult who is with a partner and has a child. You don't have to spend Christmas or any other time with anywhere other than as a 3.

No but some people do actually like spending time with family and OP has said she really wants to go to ILs!

Original poster
WilliowGreen · 30/08/2017 18:01

I am not ungrateful for the presents it's just a sign of how much she wants me to come that she has spent all that money. I

OP posts:
Titterofwit · 30/08/2017 18:09

If PIL dont celebrate Christmas then I would stay at home with your little family and start making your own traditions.

See your parents on Christmas eve or boxing day and PIL at new year possibly.

But start this year and make it easy on yourself. In future years you'll want to stay put once your LO is aware of all the new toys they cant play with since you are visiting.

NaiceToMeetYou · 30/08/2017 18:13

I agree with everyone, just simply tell her you're alternating from now on. Out of curiosity, what baby proofing is needed for a 4 month old?

regularbutpanickingabit · 30/08/2017 18:22

AnotherEmma - I agree, which is why I said that's an easy thing to say for this year seeing as her partner was with her at her mum's this year but that she was perfectly entitled to spend time just as a 3.
When you do have a difficult parent that you don't want to completely cut ties with, sometimes it's easier to take things one step at a time.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 18:26

I disagree. I have a difficult parent and I'm very careful not to make promises I don't intend to keep. It makes things a lot harder.

regularbutpanickingabit · 30/08/2017 18:42

We all find the thing that works in our own situations. Ultimately a difficult parent will always make you feel bad so if self-preservation works short-term, Donne it. After many years of trying different things I've decided to go with what makes me feel better, not them.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 18:43

Fair enough!

fc301 · 30/08/2017 18:55

You do not have to alternate. You are grown ups! & u have your own family unit now so are perfectly entitled to stay at home every Xmas or do whatever the fuck you want.
But by all means alternate if it's what YOU want. Tell her you'll come to her next year but will book into the nearest Premier Inn to make it easier for everyone so you don't get crushed to death in the junk room. That makes it much easier to maintain boundaries & call your own shots.

Original poster
WilliowGreen · 30/08/2017 19:35

Naice to meet you any house where there is so much stuff that it might fall on your head is not safe for a baby. It is not safe for and adult either but what you will put up with when it is just yourself is very different to what is ok if you have a tiny baby. By Christmas she will be 8 months old and a lot more mobile she is already trying to grab things. There is so much stuff there that she would be bound to pull something on top of her.

I hadn't thought about alternating Christmas. I don't think that's a option as it is a lot of stress just to think about what we are doing this Christmas without planning every Christmas for the rest of our lives.

I havent really raised the junk room with her. It was her suggestion we stayed in a hotel as we couldn't physically fit in the house. She said she would have it sorted by the next time we come.

OP posts:
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