Going to the inlays for baby's first Christmas- how to break it to my mum

[WilliowGreen]

I have always gone to my parents house for Christmas even though I have been with my partner for 10 years and have been invited to his parents house. My partner usually goes to his parents but last year came with me to mine as I was pregnant and didn't want to be apart from him. We had invited both sets of parents to stay with us but my mother refused as we did not have a big enough dinner table.

I love my family but they are very domineering and I find stay at my parents house very stressful. My mother has filled what used to be my bedroom with junk. Last Christmas we could bearly get in the door and I was worried that things would fall on top of me.
The room is now so full of junk you can only just open the door but can't get inside. My mum assures me that it will be tidy by Christmas. I don't believe her.
We been united to my partner s parents and I really want to go. It will be much less stressful. However I am worried that my mother will go ballistic and I don't know how to deal with the emotional blackmail.
She wanted to move in for several months when my baby was born to help take care of her and generally boss me around. My partner pusuaded her to go home after a week as she was stressing me out just by visiting me in hospital. If we don't go to her this will reinforce her view we are 'keeping her grandchild from her.' We have just been up to visit for a week and had to stay in a hotel as the house is not baby proof.
She has already bought £500 worth of presents for DD ( who is 4 months old). I can't imagine what she can possibly have spent all that money on. What can I do to keep everyone happy?

I am not ungrateful for the presents it's just a sign of how much she wants me to come that she has spent all that money.

You don't have to be grateful for mounds and mounds of crap. No matter how much it cost.
If she is a border than she could now see your house as her next storage unit. NIP THIS IN THE BUD NOW!
After years of MIL not listening to me about not buying ridiculous (and I mean ridiculous) amounts of presents. We imposed a 1 present rule on her. No one else. Just her. And when she turned up with all the presents again we sent her away with it.

Do not agree to alternating Christmas!! She will take it as a blood oath.
And what if her house isn't safe for a walking toddler with no impulse control.

Be firm or be a doormat.

'Thanks mum but we're staying at ILs this Christmas.'

If she argues.
'That's our Decision end of'

You're keeping me from my grandchild
'Stop being so ridiculous, I've got to go now bye'

If she brings up Christmas again.

'Asked and answered, how's the weather?'

I have reread the thread. I don't think my Mum is a toxic parent. She does exasperate me with the hoarding and buying too much stuff and I don't expect her to change.

We get on much better when she visits me as it is more on my terms and we are not in her house which stresses me out. She does love to bring stuff with her and she sees my (deliberately) empty house and see lots of space for crap. She bought so much when DD was born a lot of it not that practical like a massive old style Sliver Cross plan. It's her way of showing love. She can't really afford it which does worry me.

Good re not expecting her to change because she won't. She will continue to hoard and will keep on with her attempted emotional blackmail of you; all this and more of the, "you're keeping me from my grandchild" nonsense. Your friends parents do not say that to their now adult children. Its not acceptable and you should not put up with it out of some misguided means of obligation or guilt. Your Dad enables her and has no idea of what to do either re his wife. He acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I can only concur with what Taylor22 has written.

Your mother will tell you to your face that stuff will be cleared out but it will never happen; you know this deep down and you have stated as much. She will simply turn your house into another storage unit for her hoarding if you do not stop her from bringing crap and other basically unwanted items into your home. Its unwanted as well because you have not asked for it; disordered of thinking people can and do use "gifts" as a means to obligate others.

Do you object to the word "toxic"? What about "dysfunctional"?

In a way, the words don't matter so much, but you do need to recognise that her behaviour isn't healthy, and you need to put firm boundaries in place. FWIW I think you probably need to work on your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

I'm glad you don't feel she's toxic. If she can listen and take on board your feelings, priorities and needs then she isn't. However in your OP you state that in that scenario she would 'go ballistic', that she was domineering and that she wanted to move into your house in order to boss you about...

My DD is 6. I no longer visit anyone at Xmas. They want to see us then they travel here. My child's Xmas is about presents, pj's and food. In the comfort of our home.
Make them visit you.

Don't suggest alternating at this stage - you'll be stuck in a hideous cycle for years and if you ever want to have time by yourselves, will be depriving whoever things it's "their turn". We didn't see family on Christmas Day for the first few years (albeit they live reasonably close) and that's mostly worked OK .... except for the year DH and his family were so disorganised that before lunch with my parents, he took the children for brunch with his...!!

AnotherEmma- I don't like the word toxic. I don't think that she is a bad person but you are right that we do probably have a dysfunctional relationship, and I need to put some boundaries in place.
Everything is fine if I do what she wants but when I try to put boundaries in place she tells me how much I have upset her and won't let it go until I change my mind. On the few occasions when I didn't change my mind she still brings it up now how much I upset her.

I would lie. Say you are staying at home and not go into details.
But I am a wuz

Make them visit you.

OP has said she wants to go to PIL. what *s it with posters that think everyone should stay in their own homes at Chrismas even when they have said they want to go elsewhere

WG

re your comments in quote marks:-

"I don't think that she is a bad person but you are right that we do probably have a dysfunctional relationship, and I need to put some boundaries in place".

There is no probably about it. You really do need to put boundaries in place. However, you may find that difficult mainly because she has encouraged you over the years not to have any.

"Everything is fine if I do what she wants but when I try to put boundaries in place she tells me how much I have upset her and won't let it go until I change my mind. On the few occasions when I didn't change my mind she still brings it up now how much I upset her"

You may not like the word toxic or even dysfunctional but how else would you describe your mother?. Emotionally healthy people simply do not act like your above example of her behaviour. If a friend did the above you would not have tolerated this from them. Your mother is no different. Abuse is about wanting power and control; she wants to exert that over you and use both your home and your child to do so as well. She bullies you to try to get her own way.

Hoarding is classed as a mental health problem and can be desperately difficult to treat mainly because the hoarder does not recognise that they have a problem.

You don't have to call her toxic if you don't want to, and I'm sure she has good qualities, but she sounds dysfunctional, narcissistic and manipulative. Whether her behaviour is intentional or not, it still has a negative effect on you.

I think it's important that you don't deny or minimise the negative impact of her behaviour. You must detach yourself emotionally so you can better protect your new family (you, DH and DD) from her negative influence.

Why not set a new tradition and have Christmas at home for just the three of you? Family can come and visit you for lunch on a day between Christmas and New Year.

I have reread the thread. I don't think my Mum is a toxic parent

And yet you've said these things:

I am worried that my mother will go ballistic and I don't know how to deal with the emotional blackmail.

She wanted to move in for several months when my baby was born to help take care of her and generally boss me around. My partner pusuaded her to go home after a week as she was stressing me out just by visiting me in hospital.

If we don't go to her this will reinforce her view we are 'keeping her grandchild from her.

Everything is fine if I do what she wants but when I try to put boundaries in place she tells me how much I have upset her and won't let it go until I change my mind.

On the few occasions when I didn't change my mind she still brings it up now how much I upset her.

She bullies you into doing what she wants by "going ballistic", accusing you of keeping her grandchild from her, refusing to respect your boundaries, telling you you've upset her when you try to enforce those boundaries, and banging on about things long-past in order to manipulate you.

She sounds pretty toxic to me. But I do know how hard it can be to acknowledge that, because it throws so many issues into focus--and gives you a lot of work to do.

If you don't want to spend Christmas with herand it sounds as though you'd be right not tothen just tell her. Treat it like it's not a big deal. Don't try to justify your decision, just tell her. If she goes off on one then tell her it's not up for discussion, and refuse to get drawn into a conversation about it. If she then "goes ballistic" tell her you'll not be spoken to like that, and hang up or leave the room.

Treat it like it's no big deal. Don't get drawn into a conflict about it. And most of all, enjoy Christmas with your lovely baby and don't allow your mother's emotional blackmail to cast a shadow over it. It's her problem, not yours.

It's quite hard to read back what I wrote about my own mother. I have made her sound like a horrible person. She does stress me out a lot but she isn't a bad person. She wants what's best for me but can't accept that it may be different from what she wants herself.
She loves to do big showy things about what a good Mum she and I am quite shy and hate being the centre of attention. The thread about instagram Mums made me think about her being obsessed with photo she would be an instagram Mum if it had been around when we were young. Look at how perfect my children are. She used to dress me and my sister in matching dresses and take lots of photos, I hate dressses and I hate having my photo taken. She would do that to DD if she had the chance and I don't want to let her. The present thing is part of it she has to buy the most and best presents. It doesn't matter if you want them or not, then you have to make a big show of being grateful even when you would prefer not to have the present in the first place.
A big part of our relationship is that I always to what I'm told. I have Asperger's and I had to teach myself social skills and have a tendency to go along with what other people want so I don't upset anyone.
It's only now that I am learning about what I want myself. I don't want to have the same kind of relationship with my DD as I have with my mum.

That is a selfish person. Everything she does for other people is just a show so that she looks better.

There is nothing in your post that indicates she appreciates and meets your needs...

Willowgreen - my hubby is autistic ( high functioning AKA aspergers) and finds visiting family very stressful. Christmas is a stressful time anyway because of expectations that people put on themselves. If your partners family do not celebrate Christmas why are you visiting them at Christmas? Is it because it's a good time to see them? It's good that you enjoy seeing them . If I were you I would go to the in laws this year. And then, after that I would let everybody know that you are intending on spending Christmas in your own home, and if anybody from either side wants to visit they are welcome. If you have space you could offer them a bed, if not there are plenty of reasonably priced Premier Inns about. When you have a baby it completely changes how you celebrate special times as a family. By next year your daughter will be aware and excited- by Christmas 2019 she will most certainly not want to leave her own home at Christmas. It's such a magical time and the years when they believe in the Santa magic are all too few. So you did the dutiful daughter stuff for years but now you are a MUMMY and you three are a FAMILY. So sweetheart, put your family first and wether you get dressed up and enjoy a structured Christmas Day or if you eat chocolate all day in pajamas opening presents and having pizza for lunch it's totally up to you. It's time to start making your own family traditions that your lovely daughter will enjoy and look back on , knowing that she was the center of your world and loving the Christmas memories you and her Daddy give to her. Be firm, but kind with your Mum is what I would do. Good luck!