I think I know the answer

[spiritguides]

Well where do I begin .... I think I know the answer please don't judge !!

I was silly enough go a school reunion ended up having an affair with and ex school friend he went back and forth for 2 years he was married should have ended it then believe me I tried it became an abusive relationship he totally destroyed me and I allowed it !!

We moved in obviously after he left 3 and a bit years in now living together several black eyes broken nose and ribs later it got better from the physical abuse but emotionally I've lost myself he drew me back never allowed to mention now what he did to me but!

We are supposed be getting married soon self respect zero intimate contact bores me whereas used to love it I'm very physical sorry too I much info
And
If he doesn't agree with what I say he storms out he has 2 children 18 and 15 I have 2 in their twenties not currently speaking long story feel very alone

He wants keep giving to his kids even though maintenance now stopped for 18 year old I mention mine or giving through he says you don't talk to them why reward for. Not speaking but I hope we will sort things but he's always said my kids working but now his son is tack has changed etc any excuse he has my cash each month totally a narc and sociopath wtf I doing

Today challenged him cos now his 18 yr old started work maintenance stopped but he wants keep giving don't have issue with that kids are for life but he doesn't do same for mine had massive argument it's over again so controlling I have to move out he says

Oh and then in June went away with the lads she the ex went with her mates convenient saw texts saying she on same flight they weren't but arguments then a txt at midnight him to her where u xxx wtf again

I give up all time low I think I should run when I left husband few rocky years but found strength and myself but that person seems to have gone xx opinions please but don't be too hard I don't have the strength x

Is there somewhere safe you can go OP? He sounds awful, and you are worth more than that. He's hurt you, in many different ways, and you're losing yourself. I've been in an abusive marriage and believe me that bloody legal tie makes it a lot harder to escape than without it. You'll find yourself again, and get back to knowing what happiness is.

I have my own house currently rented so will take time to sort I'm lucky I have a good job so I can sort things but the controlling stuff is hard I thought I had seen controlling over the years have a knack for attracting them but this is a whole new level

Don't give up easily thought I could hang I there but I know it's destroying me x

You seem to gloss over his violence and try to focus on other things, when really you have to end it because he hurts you. You should get away from him, not marry him, and try to mend your relationship with your children.

Surely you can see that?

That's the problem I can see that but when you were so strong and get battered so low you give up

Tears flowing health up the creek I know what I need to do but just can't quite reach deep enough to get the strength x

Emotional abuse in my personal experience is far, far more damaging (that's my own experience, I'm not dismissing anyone else's). My broken ribs, black eyes, broken fingers and jaw healed. But the mental damage took years. You can do this OP.

Can you call women's aid? Or another DV charity? They can help you in a practical sense. And please, please don't marry him, it would be another way of him controlling you.

Notteallyarsed you hit the nail wounds heal the rest doesn't if you could have a book on a thousand and one excuses to blame others he would be the author it's an art form x

Coercion and control is the most insidious form of abuse, it gets to the point where you have to check everything you think/feel/say. You can get out, you have a future ahead of you, a positive one. You CAN do this!

Notreallyarsed NRA if that's ok I know somewhere deep inside I can do this done it before but he has truly broken me I really don't know how I got to this

Getting deep I took an overdose last year put in high dependency was so embarrassed not once do he say sorry I know I did it but his behaviour broke me it's almost a relief he says it's over I don't think for a minute he will stick to it he is so demanding and in want of affection like most narcs I hope he would just drop off the face of the earth walk away if he did I know I would be fine

I allowed him deplete my friends I watched it happening but allowed it I was so smitten silly girl!!

Imprialblether there is no glossing as such it's just hard to articulate x

It sounds like you need some RL support OP, I fully understand getting to the point where you can't see a point. But you can get away, you will reach a point where he is no longer relevant and cannot hurt you any more. Dig deep, really really deep, you'll find her in there somewhere, she's not gone, she's just been hidden from you. All you need is one little spark and you'll rise from the ashes.

Please do contact Womens Aid.
Get some local support in place.
Get some counselling for yourself to understand why you put up with this.
Leave and do it soon - very very very soon!!!!

NRA thank you for your words they are really helping think I just needed someone else to say them x

Hells bells counselling doesn't work for me I have to work through it x I've distanced myself so much from friends I thought mumsnet would help because it's anonymous x I'm so private these days this was a big step writing on here x

I put up with it because of past things that have also made me feel worthless made the mistake of telling him now it's just used against me

I'll keep saying them OP, I hope one day you'll believe them. I didn't think I'd ever reach that day, that I'd be happy, or move on with my life, or even just be free of him. It was a long road, and at times a rough one. But I am, I have and I look at him now and feel nothing. I don't hate him, that would take too much energy. I "nothing" him, because he can't hurt me, not ever again.

You are worth more than him, you are worth more than the way he has made you feel about yourself. You know that, because you wrote this post. You started something and you said it out loud (on here). That's a massive step forward!
I met a friend on here who had just escaped an abusive relationship, long story short, she came to stay with her DC and we had a party because she's been free almost a whole year. She's got to the point I told her she would all those months ago. And you will too, one day. When you're ready, I promise you will.

NRA I so hope you are right and I can do it again like I said I have a knack for attracting narcs I think I'm scared of giving my tennant notice and then cracking so many things rattling round in my head we are supposed go Mexico in 2 weeks the last 2 hols have been nightmares I am so annoyed with myself know what i should do and that's walk I did 2 years ago he begged me come back I so regret that decision xx

Be proud that you've taken the first step by posting on here. You already know that no one should have to live like this and you also know what you have to do.

Do take the advice further up to contact Women's aid.

You say you have to do it by yourself, have you tried counselling?

You are in quite a fortunate position owning your own house, look into giving the tenants notice.

Do you have any family?

No family I talk to I'm afraid x I only have to give 1 months notice my tennant is amazing thank god x

Please do not marry this man, i was in a very similiar situation, my children were abused too, which gave me the strength to leave
Put yours first,even though not speaking at the moment,
Mine were much younger, but they came first
If you marry him it will get worse
My daughter was also in an abusive relationship, even worse than mine, she married him and it got worse, even involving guns,and being kept prisoner in her home
I hope you will take the advice offered to ring womens aid
I would also cancel the holiday get out before its due
I am so sorry you are going through this

At breaking point x

I sincerely hope you can find a solution soon x

Sat up can't sleep head whizzing thinking of what to pack and slope off

Please please please please please please please please please don't marry him.

He will kill you.

He is still emotionally (and in other ways) abusing you, and it's only a matter of time before the physical starts back up. He WILL beat you again. He will eventually kill you.

He will never leave on his own (they never do) nor let you go happily, because even though it's pure rage and hatred in his eyes when he hurts you, he NEEDS you, and it's HIM that cannot cope without YOU. You're his punching bag, his stress ball, his fidget spinner, the thing he needs to take out his problems on, and he won't just leave that alone if he can help it. He tells you all those things and makes you feel that way because he cannot let you leave, in his mind.

Just remember, those thoughts about yourself - that you couldn't cope, that you won't make it, etc. - are HIS THOUGHTS, not yours. He's pushed you and cornered you and shoved them down your throat so hard for so long that you've accepted them as yours, BUT THEY ARE NOT YOURS. YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE SAYS YOU ARE.

Plus, you're actually much better off stability wise than a lot of women in your situation. You have a place you can run to in just a month, and there are plenty of places of refuge where you can safely and easily wait out that month. You CAN do this. And you MUST do it. You absolutely MUST!

(I don't mean to seem mean or cruel - only urgent - and I honestly hope I don't come across as such. I've been exactly where you are, only with fewer options, so I know what you're going through and what he's doing to you.)

I do hope you managed to get some sleep.
It's so hard because your mind is so active and you just can't switch off.
The adranline keeps you going for a while though.
Rest when you can.