not happy with my marriage

[1988alexandra]

we got married this summer after 1 year and a half of being together. Before getting married, we had some issues, but tried to solved them, apparently we didn't or I didn't, as he says.
So, making the story short, in the first 6 months of the relationship, he was great, he was acting like he was the perfect man, flowers, gifts, words and doing everything I wished for..something changed him and he began to say that the change was because of my behavior, that he woke up from the dream and I am not the person he wants to be next to him. He told me that i am spoiled because i was the only child, that I begin fights with him on different minor things that I don't like about him. Fights for him means communication in contradictory, so every time I am contradicting him or I am saying something I don't like about him, for him that is a fight..
I found him that he spied on me at my home and he didn't even recognize..and of course after some fights I ''ever'' begin, he admitted to do it because I had a relationship with a neighbor before him, so he wasn't sure of me. He even postponed the wedding and left the house before the wedding due to my behavior. He returned after 2 weeks, saying sorry, that he was confused.
We got married and every time we have a fight, he usually is using silent treatment and I have to apologize even when it's not my fault, because he doesn't talk to me for day/days. When we had our fights at the beginning, I was yelling, but told me to change and I changed, now he is the one who is yelling constantly at me. So, every fight we have, he is the one who is right, I am the one who is wrong, he doesn't listen to me at all and he acts very ironically when I ask for explanations or I say my opinion.
We had a fight because he lied to me that he is eating alone, instead he was eating with his female colleague who invited him to eat. Of course, he didn't admit it and I came with proofs, but I had to apologize again because he didn't want to admit anything and was busy with giving me the silent treatment. He even told me that he married for fool with me and that I have fooled him to marry me..with what I fooled him? I have my own house, my car, everything is mine, he was the one who moved in, who drives my car..so he was telling me that I didn't change, that I still begin the fights..
He even got upset one morning because he was repeating 111111 and I said to him to stop because I heard already..and he got mad because I have raised my voice (he says) and told me that I don't like him for what he is, giving me again the silent treatment and of course, I had to apologize to stop this behavior.
He is acting like a princess and I am fed up with this behavior. I cannot speak what I don't like or what disturbs me, even when I came with accusations with proof it seems that I am still the one guilty.
Now, I have a fertility problem and all the doctors tell me to make a baby because there are chances I will not do it anymore..he doesn't care, he told me that the problem will pass. But nothing will pass..and I don't know what to do..He said we cannot do a baby because we do not have a stable relationship.
I cry every day, I've changed from the joyful person I was to an introvert person, he changed a lot, he now seems so disinterested and nothing I am saying is right for him..
What should I do? I am worried about the baby because I really want babies, but I don't know if I will ever be happy with this person.

Whatever you do, do not have a child while your relationship is in such turmoil.
Frankly I cannot see a future for your marriage. The pair of you need to sort out what you want and it sounds like a separation

For the love of god. End this relationship. Why would you even think about having a kid in this situation!

What the hell are you doing with him?
Put the bloody breaks on, too much, too quickly. Don't get yourself further in the shit with this twat by reproducing

of course i don't want a child right now in this situation.as i said i am worried because i want in the future and staying near him will make my chances decrease

Stop trying to make sense of him..LEAVE

The fact that you apologise to him to stop his ignoring you enables him to see that he can get away with bullying you. He will keep doing it. The more vulnerable and upset you become wont change his mind and make him want to treat you better, it will only make him happy that he has trodden you down so hard that he has you acting the way he wants you to.

Seriously OP . The fact that your asking us on here what you should do worries me ! Can you really not see he is abusive and controlling.
LEAVE

it's not about the child..because i don't want a child right now..it's about me..i don't understand why is he changing so much and stopped being the caring, interested and loving man from the beginning..he is confused all the time, he also confuses me and cannot offer me any stability..and i don't know how to act to save this marriage..it's been 2 months since the wedding

he first acted like the perfect man, i am sure any woman would say that and after I begin to show him love, he changed and started to act differently..that he wants me to change, that he doesn't like fights and I am fighting. I don't like to fight, I am trying to say my opinion, but he acts very nervous when I say my opinion and we start to fight..i cannot be every time the way he wants me to be..i cannot withdrawn my personality and be how he wants and act perfectly fine whenever he wants to

He was never that man. He was always an asshole. He pretended to be that nice man. He is showing you who he really is. Leave.

i am staying because i was adopted, because i do not have self esteem, confidence in me that i can survive without him too..i know when he left and postponed the wedding how he made me feel and how i was..i am staying because i am afraid to start over..this is the truth and i must share with you 'cause i don't know what to do

"I am staying because i was adopted, because i do not have self esteem, confidence in me that i can survive without him too"

You survived before meeting him and you will continue to do so, thrive even. He is one of the most dangerous and abusive people I have read about on this site and I have unfortunately read many; he wants to take and drag you down with him.

The above are not reasons to stay, nowhere near good enough reasons to stay and be simply further abused by him. He targeted you, of that I have no doubt whatsoever and has further exploited your own insecurities here to his own ends. He will destroy you most surely if you stay with him. He wanted what you have; the house and the car. Not you; the "nice" him was an act to get you invested in him. What you are seeing now is the nice/nasty cycle common used by abusive people. It was and remains all about him and what he wants; he is a highly dangerous individual and he will surely destroy you from the inside out if you stay there.

He didnt want the house and the car as his sallary is much bigger than mine and he could afford to have these things. But i am starting to believe that he is abusive and saw my weakness and now he is taking advantage of it. I was reading about pshycos and their behavior..i don't want to think that i married with one of these..he told me once that he is traumatized because his father is an alcoholic and saw him beat his mother all his childhood..

He can make every excuse he wants but none of it justifies abusing another person.

You will be mentally much better when you leave this hollow shell of a being behind.

This is your life. Yours. He is living it for you at the moment.

You are enduring emotional abuse and coercive control. This is now an offence. Phone Women's Aid and tell them what you have told us. They will help you leave. I also recommend you do the Freedom Programme, which is run by WA. Good luck. Please don't blame yourself. You deserve better than this.

Hi Alexandra,

I'm sorry to tell you that he will never love and care for you the way you want him too, but I think you already know this. The man he was at the start was an act, it's what he did to trap you, to get you to fall in love and as soon as he had you hooked he started to change. I wouldn't even call it changing...more revealing who he really is, and who is is abusive to you! No matter what you do, how nice you are, whether your change every single thing about yourself at his request it will never be enough, he will always treat you how he does now.

You say you were adopted and so I understand the want and the importance of having a family of your own. Having a family with him will only bring you tougher choices that you face now, and if will be all the more difficult to leave.

You have a house, you have a car, you have a job, you have lots going for you, you do not need him!!! When you think of your future and of the happy family you want to have one day focus on it because you deserve it all and more but you deserve someone who will treat you with respect, who will really love you for who you are and not need you to change in order to make them happy. These are all things you can have and deserve to have, but in order to get there you have to leave him. You can do so much better, don't let him spend years eroding even more of your confidence till there is nothing left. Don't let him rob you of having your happy family, your happy ever after....don't keep kissing the frog he's never going to turn into Prince Charming.

You will be ok, you can and will survive and you will one day meet someone who is worth loving and who loves you. Don't be frightened of being alone, being alone and free is so much better than being together but lonely and miserable.

Get some counselling to help with your self esteem. This man will drain the life out of you and drive you mental.

What on earth has being adopted got to do with it? I'm adopted and had low self esteem (the two are NOT connected btw, being adopted doesn't give you low self esteem) and it didn't stop me from leaving a bad relationship.

Get out and get yourself a good counselor. You deserve to be happy and you are obviously NOT happy!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

And you need to get started on it RIGHT AWAY. Whatever you do, DO NOT LET HIM FIND OUT that you are planning anything. Talk to a solicitor as soon as you possibly can and get your options sorted out. Again, do not let him find out. Don't act any differently around/toward him, and make all the plans that you can when STBXH is not around you. Don't even ring the solicitor or talk about it to anybody when he is home, even if you think he cannot hear. In fact, with his history of spying, it might be best for you ring from work (if at all possible - even if you must stay late or something) and go round in person. You MUST leave him, but you must be careful.

He is horrible, and he is only going to get worse if you don't leave him.

The man you dated for the first several months was A MASK, and the real him is the man you're married to.

He will never, ever change.

He will never suddenly see sense, realise that he is hurting you, abusing you psychologically and emotionally, and stop being horrible. That will never happen, no matter how long you live. You are in a relationship with an abuser and he will never be the one who changes.

Your self esteem is largely due to him, whether you realise that or not. It may have been low before you met him, but I can assure you he is making you believe the horrible things he says/implies about you, and it is far worse because of him. When you think about yourself, those are HIS thoughts in your head, not your own, and certainly not the truth.

Abusers nearly universally attack our self esteem and make us think that we are so useless that we could never cope without them, that we need them, that they are the only person who would ever "put up with" our uselessness. Those things are NOT TRUE. They are an abuser's tactic to keep his plaything around, and THEY WORK. That's why you're still there.

Re a child: Everyone is just saying MAKE SURE you don't have a kid with him. Like use 3 or 4 types of contraception make sure. Make sure that YOU are using reliable contraception that he has no access to and cannot tamper with, on top of any others you can use.

This man shows all the signs of a phychopath. He manupulates you, bullies you, drags you down. That is not what marriage or love is. You have to dig deep, get away from the situation and give yourself time to see more clearly. You made a mistake of trusting someone who should never be trusted. Learn from this and it will never happen to you again. If I was you I would not waste any more time, I would get out NOW before you are destroyed.

i had a huge fight last night with him and he continues to blame me for his behavior..i am spoiled, the things are done when i want to, that his opinion never matters for me, that he changed because all of these..

i know i have my insecurities..but i told him that what i want is stability from his side to regain my trust, but he keeps telling me he is offering me stability..told him that stability doesn't mean that i am confused before wedding, i woke up from the dream and saw who you really are, stability means together when is good and bad, not only good..he also told me that i am complaining to my family that i am having a bad life and told me that bad life means not to having to eat and things like that..and not my stupid and immature things that i am complaining about (like he is not the same person he used to be)..

i have read all your posts and thank you very much for making time to write and read my story..i am still adding things just fyi and because i want to take the best decision and to have more info on this..i know i have my problems too, but i don't think that i am guilty for everything

It doesn't matter what he thinks of you or says about you.

He is a bad man. He is taking advantage of you financially, by living in your house and using your car. He is abusing you emotionally by blaming you for every problem.

Get him out of your house. Get use of your car. Don't have any children with this man. Be careful. If he thinks you are getting away from him, not in his control, he will try to make you pregnant. Then you will be stuck with him, one way or another, for the next twenty-one years or more.

How old are you? You married after eighteen months, after a break-up and postponement. That sounds like desperation. Next time, don't rush into things and if red flags show, believe them. Splitting up before the wedding was a red flag - he wanted you afraid it wouldn't happen, so that you would be easier to control.

Change the locks and move him out. You have one crack at life and is there where you want to be in ten years later?

My ex was like this - silent treatment and abusive once the wedding ring was on my finger. It took me 2 years to get rid because I was worried about who else I would find and what people would say - I wish I had booted him sooner.

I am 28..i married with him because I thought he will come back to the great man he was, that was just a period of time..omg what i did with my life, with me :( i cannot stop crying every day when i think..