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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

do i get him to confess to her?

26 replies

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 14:19

i've just found out dh thought he was in unrequited love with a friend of his & been obsessing about her, when i confronted him he was very contrite and insists it was fantasy. i'm at the point where counselling is fine and I can consider either staying with him or leaving depending on what happens in the next few months.
Would you tell him no more contact or would you push him to tell her?

I'm thinking if he tells her he's then taken it to conclusion and might be able to lay it to rest. if he doesn't will he always wonder? he will also look like a twat which appeals. I'm only interested in staying if we can have a good sex life and relationship, i'm not interested in being second best.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 29/08/2017 14:33

I think there is so much pressure to rely on your partner to be everything to you. When you have a connection or good relationship with someone else it can be confusing or it can be classed as an emotional affair maybe.

Do you know why he feels so strongly about her? Have you had that conversation?

XJerseyGirlX · 29/08/2017 14:36

Do you think there is anything at all from her side?

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 14:39

lust and mental connection. they worked together closely for a long time. I was aware that she was taking some of my space as a mental connection but I valued her support for him and i trusted him. I was less aware that he was obsessed by having sex with her. Our bodies are quite different.

OP posts:

TrailingWife · 29/08/2017 14:44

you think it might be a good idea for him to tell a work colleague (or former colleague) that he is/was obsessed with thoughts of having sex with her?

no no no no no

XJerseyGirlX · 29/08/2017 14:48

I wouldn't have him tell her, only because I don't see what good it would do. He may feel embarrassed but it wont change anything else.

Does he love you OP? Have you got a good relationship?

NanFlanders · 29/08/2017 14:50

He had a crush on/fantasised about someone else? But he hasn't made a pass at her and remains committed to his marriage? I can't see what he has to confess really. Apologies if I've misunderstood.

jeaux90 · 29/08/2017 14:55

I think desire happens for other people even in a committed relationship.

He has been honest about it by the sounds of it and hasn't done anything about it.

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 14:58

dont know if she feels same but enjoys his company think she is resolutely single.
he says he loves me. we had a good relationship but our communication needs work as we've become very domestic and in a rut, we've agreed to joint counselling and had some proper honesty. I've been unhappy in recent years as he's been depressed and isolating himself from me (know why now). My self worth has gone downhill and i thought about asking him to leave about a year ago.

My view is he either cuts off contact or he confronts it.
i'm not suggesting he tells her he's obsessing about her but he could tell her he loves her and then see what happens. If he really does maybe it would be better for him to be with her instead of some horrible dutiful marriage where we both feel unfulfilled.

OP posts:

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 15:00

jeaux. I understand that but it tipped over into desire for other people and not for me. I have been feeling very rejected for a few years now.

OP posts:

TrailingWife · 29/08/2017 15:23

If you don't feel fulfilled, they why go to all the effort to try to save your marriage? Why not just end it?

This could actually be a good thing for you. If you want out, this is a nice chance to just get out.

jeaux90 · 29/08/2017 15:28

I'm with trailing wife. I think we spend a lot of time trying to save a relationship for sometimes reasons that don't make sense. That you don't want to "fail" etc.

Well look, clearly you have had a relationship that was great. It's now not great. Why don't you take the opportunity to move on and be happier?

Loopytiles · 29/08/2017 15:39

Sounds like it was an emotional affair: "not just friends". If he wants continued contact with her or to find out how she feels then he should end your marriage first. If he's ended contact and wishes to remain married it's best IMO for you to focus on your needs and wishes rather than his.

NewDaddie · 29/08/2017 15:39

no no no no no

I just wanted to add my 5 no's to @TrailingWife posts just for good measure.

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 15:40

Thank you all. I just wanted to put it out there as I haven't got a lot of perspective at the moment and dont want to talk to rl people.

I think I have my answer that it's not going to help matters so I'm not planning on posting more (bit scared of outing).

Agree with you both. I see this as an opportunity. two thirds of my marriage have been great one third not so much. However i actually think this could force us to talk and see if we end up with a better relationship than we had before or if there's nothing there. i'm open to both but as we have kids I think whatever relationship we have going forward (ie married or co parenting) will benefit from counselling.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 29/08/2017 15:46

If it's unrequited then what's the point of dragging some innocent woman into this? It's going to make her feel bad when she's done nothing wrong.

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 15:48

oh one more post - daddie it was your five nos! It was definitely an emotional affair. She is without boundaries & he was in awe. Im going with cut off contact & we can explore our relationship instead.

Part of this is because it's since he doesn't see her so much the fantasy appeared and we werent happy and life is boring so the fantasy was better than life - am a bit worried it might reoccur & we'll sink back into the shit. twisted logic.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 29/08/2017 17:38

Similar thing for me except it was 11 years ago and I found songs and poems he had written and recorded for her in OUR house (21 year old employee) he was 42. Only found by accident last year , piles of the stuff. He had kept in pretty frequent contact as well , the odd secret meet up on his part and I am told she would have had no idea , was all in his head. I can't unfortunately prove this was the case, big overtexting from her too. I haven't left but crikey it's certainly taken the wind out my sails and trust is down the drain for foreseeable future. Still not 100% sure which way to go. Not 100% amazing marriage although we get on well in the main and I care about him ,

TheNaze73 · 29/08/2017 17:42

OP, seriously??? Doing that, would be a shockingly bad idea

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 17:50

yet more crap. Sorry to hear you are also going through this. i also found out because I found writings & confronted him. very similar although she is same age as me so only a few years apart. She is a wet dream on legs, think dita von teese - we are as opposite as it's possible to be and I though dh was a feminist, part of the reason i liked him.

thanks the naze. as I said before i've got that message now although I'm still on a bit of a roller coaster about what I want to do re the marriage. One day at a time with an open mind.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 29/08/2017 18:11

And good luck to you OP

yetmorecrap · 29/08/2017 18:21

yes OP, similar in my case although think girl next door yoga bunny type, more like Myleen Klaas. I am curvy blonde, not yoga ish and dont go around spouting buddhist stuff. I am down to earth and yes like you say, as different as they come. It was at a very stressful time all round, dying mum on his side, business issues etc. In my case though he had tons of one on one time on tours and every opportunity and whilst she may not have known he felt thatw ay, there was a lot of overtexting, I can see that from bills. Its truly nasty, I feel for you, thats why I get really annoyed at people who think crushes are harmless, they are if you 100% keep them in your head where they belong-- they can truly cause a load of crap in your primary relationship with regards to trust and feelings if you stupidly actively 'act' on them and get caught, be it in diaries, poems, secret planned meetings etc, even if the other person has no inkling of the feelings involved..

Original poster

hesanidiot · 29/08/2017 19:41

Agreed. Fantasies are fine in their place, everyone has them. Once they are indulged too much and I think with people who are in close proximity then they are destructive. I think he was feeling down and thought maybe I wasn't the catch i was before, it seems both arrogant and a bit pathetic really.

OP posts:

crazymissdaisy · 29/08/2017 23:59

What was his reaction OP when you confronted him with the writing? That should tell you a lot. Will he still be seeing the other woman at work/ socially? If he avoids her, the crush will fade with time. Does the OW lead him on?

Original poster

hesanidiot · 30/08/2017 08:33

they worked together about 3 years ago, have since gone for the odd drink with their old team now and then. he was gutted when I confronted him. He told me it was all in his head and it was a way of working through it. At their last meeting they talked about what it woud have been like to have an affair and she implied an offer. (i dont know what he means by that but she didn't outright say 'lets do it). He has declined all drinks since then but has still fantasised about what could have been.

I think she was not completely innocent but nothing you could hold up in court. For example in their extensive emails she doesn't once make a cursory enquiry (just how are the kids would be fine) about us though he mentions us now and then. Their emails are her telling him amusing anecdotes about her glam life or bits of advice and sending each other funny things they've thought of that day, sometimes he'd send her my jokes but claim them as his own. I think he could be anyone and there are probably several hims who are slightly in awe of a confident, beautiful and cultured woman.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 30/08/2017 10:00

Emotional affair for sure, and it wasn't "only a fantasy" because he was seeing and corresponding with her, over a long period of time. Her actions are by the by IMO: he was the married one and had the affair.

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