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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I sent ex DP a video where DD 3 is playing in a t shirt and nothing else. He has reported me to a family friend who is a solicitor.

29 replies

fadetoblack · 29/08/2017 02:17

I left DP in January this year and moved five hours away. Since then I try and send photos and/ or videos daily for him to still feel a part of her life.

Today at bedtime DD began to play a game with her soft toys and was really engaged and chatty. I thought it was a sweet moment. I recorded about 45 seconds worth and sent it to him.

About four hours later he sent me a text telling me never to record her semi nude again and has reported me to a solicitor who has "documented" the incident.

I am not on any social media and the video was only and would only ever be sent to him. When I was recording I didn't really notice that she had no knickers on. I was paying attention to her game and never directly focused on her lower half. Having watched it back there are about 9 seconds where you can see her vagina or bottom when she lifts her arms and her t shirt is pulled up.

I feel that he has over reacted and surely a simple message from him along the lines of " this makes me feel uncomfortable, please don't do it again" would have been suffice. I feel really hurt that he felt that this was necessary. There is no SS involvement with our family and I am not sure how to handle this when I speak to him tomorrow.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2017 04:15

Your ex partner is a dick head. Save the video for proper reference and don't even worry about it. You did nothing wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2017 04:18

Also, DO NOT engage in any conversation with him about it other than to say you didn't even realize her bottom was showing. This whole reaction of his is ridiculous.

HadronCollider · 29/08/2017 04:22

I don't it could be used against you. It was sent only to him. He's being a complete arse and a malicious one at that. Frankly in your position, I'd stop sending vids altogether after this and let him do the 5 hour drive.

HadronCollider · 29/08/2017 04:23

I doubt it could be used against you. Autocorrect!

DownTownAbbey · 29/08/2017 04:49

You were doing him a kindness and he's shown that he's looking for reasons to punish you.

He's an idiot, isn't he? No more videos and photos for him!

donajimena · 29/08/2017 04:49

You have posted about this twice?

Pallisers · 29/08/2017 04:58

Text him back and tell him you are extremely concerned that he sent a private video of your dd half dressed to an unknown man. Tell him this was clearly a video for a mother and a father to view and he has now absolutely declared that he has sent it onto to a stranger - you are outraged at this breach of privacy on your daughter's behalf. You are very worried about him and consider this a safeguarding issue. You will be consulting your solicitor tomorrow about this very worrying incident.

LilyMcClellan · 29/08/2017 05:03

Good grief, what an idiot. (Him, not you!)

I would simply say to him (in advance, by text, so there is a record), "I have no idea why you felt the need to contact a lawyer. That seems like a considerable overreaction to a video of your own child playing."

His demand to never film your daughter semi-nude is absurd, and there would be no legal basis for upholding it. There must be thousands of hours of footage of naked or semi-naked children innocently playing filmed around the world every day.

I agree not to get into it. If he tries to bring it up, just say, "I don't intend to discuss it, I've said all I need to say in my text." Don't send any more videos. If you feel you must continue to send photos, I wouldn't make much effort with the content. Back of her head while eating dinner each day would do.

SilverBirchTree · 29/08/2017 05:16

Your DP is being an idiot.

Lots of parents film their toddlers naked. If he would prefer that you didn't he should have just discussed it with you.

This smacks of someone who is looking for a fight. I wouldn't be so generous with the photos from now on.

LoveDeathPrizes · 29/08/2017 05:18

He has knee-jerk sexualised and shamed your daughters nudity. He's the one with the problem.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/08/2017 05:22

Yeah, what LoveDeath said. This is his problem, not yours, for only seeing the "nudity" in the video, and not the playing.

The solicitor may well have just taken the note to appease him while going "oh ffs!" in his/her head.

Can you talk to said solicitor yourself, or is it only your exP's family that knows him/her?

SilverBirchTree · 29/08/2017 05:24

BTW- how fucking awkward for the family friend solicitor who has the misfortune to be on the receiving end of this vitriolic nonsense?

I am a solicitor and it really bothers me when people send me their personal crap and expect to use my name and credentials to bolster their case in some petty squabble.

he's probably not paying for any advice. Jackasses rarely do.
he's expecting this solicitor to donate their time to a petty attempt at bullying a former partner - when solicitors give free assistance we like it to be for asylum seekers or the otherwise vulnerable, not just some arsehole we happen to know.
there is no legal merit to whatever your ex has planned. Your family friend now gets to explain that to an idiot.
solicitor friend probably not interested in your family tiffs
solicitor friend would have zero desire in having his name or credentials pulled into this nonsense

Burnett · 29/08/2017 05:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SilverBirchTree · 29/08/2017 05:40

I'm with Thumb. solicitor friend (unless he/she is nuts) hasn't done anything beyond making a mental note of what a twat your ex P is.

JK1773 · 29/08/2017 06:41

I'm a solicitor too and agree with everything SilverBirchTree and Thumb say. There is nothing for you to worry about. The solicitor may well have 'documented' it, IF he is their client (and paying them). But what is he expecting them to do with it??? Just ridiculous. Also if you are in U.K. I'm not aware of many law firms being open bank holiday weekend. He's just being an idiot

Ilovetolurk · 29/08/2017 06:57

I would never send him anything again

Original poster

fadetoblack · 29/08/2017 08:35

Thank you all for your replies. It was the middle of the night and I was replaying his reaction over in my head and wasn't sure which one of us was being ridiculous.

Thank you especially to the solicitors who have posted explaining that dealing with petty squabbles between ex partners is a bug bear.

And from your suggestions I will certainly cut down on the effort I put into maintaining contact.

I'm sorry for the double post. I didn't realise that it had sent and pressed post twice. I'm not a regular enough user to know how to get one of them removed.

OP posts:

Thefullmoon · 29/08/2017 17:19

I hope you are now fully aware of your x being a nasty idiot.
DO NOT SEND HIM ANYTHING AGAIN.
Also don't bother to engage with him about it. Keep contact to absolute minimum.
Why were you even doing this?

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 29/08/2017 17:22

Does he have form for coercive control/threatening/playing games?

He's an arse over this issue but I'm thinking this may just be the tip of the iceberg with his behaviour.

Ceto · 29/08/2017 17:28

Send him a copy of this picture and ask him whether he's reported that one to his solicitor mate as well

chestylarue52 · 29/08/2017 18:38

You can't actually 'report things to a solicitor'. That's nonsense.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/08/2017 19:23

Reported my arse. He's told his mate and has twisted what his mate said.

Thebluedog · 29/08/2017 20:30

I used to send pictures and videos of our dc to my ex. In the end it caused more trouble than it was worth. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping him in touch with what they were doing. He would use the pics to nit pick and find fault.
I now send him nothing - his loss

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 29/08/2017 20:48

I always think people whose first thought in this situation is to think of it as something wrong- are themselves wrong in the head!!!

LilyMcClellan · 29/08/2017 23:23

Reported my arse. He's told his mate and has twisted what his mate said.

Exactly. I'd bet money that the text conversation went something like this.

Dickhead ExP: Look at this video fade sent me, it's disgusting! Would this be considered child pornography?
Lawyer Friend: Um, no. Partial nudity in itself isn't considered pornographic, there's quite a bit more to it than that.
DXP: Well, I'm appalled. I'm going to report it to Social Services or the police.
LF: Honestly, I don't think you'd get far. They won't be interested.
DXP: She could be showing it to anyone. What if she has a new boyfriend who's getting his jollies off it? You're a lawyer, can't you write her a letter telling her to stop or something?
LF: No. The most I could do is make a note that you've registered a concern, and then if something else came up in the future that might be regarded as suspicious, then there would be a record of your concern.
DXP: Okay, yes, do that then. I'm going to tell her I've reported it.
LF: How about you just put your ego aside and stop trying to punish the mother of your child for leaving you? And let me get back to my day off, jerkwad. Okay.

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