Just lonely and tearful

[completelylost17]

I'm sorry I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I have name changed because I'm completely embarrassed.
Today has been so awful. I've had a long petty argument rumbling along all day with my partner, it ended up with me telling him I feel we're only together because of our children at the moment and our relationship is so unhappy at the moment.
He stormed off to bed and stayed there the rest of the day until our two kids were in bed and it all started up again. We bickered again and he started shouting. He called me a slag, he hates me, he grabbed my face and shook my head so I told him to leave and he's gone.
I'm crying in bed now and I feel so alone. The worst thing is I'm 30 weeks pregnant and I'm so ashamed. So many times I see women on here and wonder why they have children with men like that and I'm one of them. I hate myself at the moment. I can't stop crying, I can't catch my breath. Thankfully my children are still sleeping.
Sorry for a pointless post I just don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy.

Try get some sleep! Or have a cuppa and calm down.

He shouldn't have touched you, but also, you were wrong to say what you did. That's pretty hurtful.

Do you know where he's gone! Do you want to sort it out? Did you mean what you said?

Well, maybe you weren't wrong to say what you did, but was it said as truth or to hurt him?

No I don't know where he's gone.
I didn't say it to be hurtful. He asked me if I would even be with him if it wasn't for the children and I said at the moment it feels like we're only together for the children. We're just very unhappy a lot of the time and I've felt quite depressed and haven't been very engaged in the relationship because I feel like I'm just trying to get through each day.
I shouldn't have said it but I wanted to be honest.

Fuck beyond off, Highgarden. Nothing said to another person justifies them assaulting you.

In a loving relationship, you should be able to raise your unhappiness and concerns without fear of retaliation. You do not cause another person to be "pushed" to emotionally control and abuse you, let alone commit physical violence against you. Grabbing your face and shaking it, is violence and I am so sorry that that has happened to you. It is not your fault.

I didn't say he should have hit her! You joking? I didn't condone what he did it all, so don't swear at me!

I said what she said wasn't nice but maybe was said out of upset or how she feels at the moment.

Nothing op said deserved what happened.

highgarden the OP has just been assaulted. Don't tell her to calm down and have a 'cuppa' for fuck's sake.

OP does your partner have form for this? Has he hurt you before?

No, he tends to go really quiet if he's annoyed, like when he went off to bed.
He really looked like he hated me too. I said I didn't want to listen to him if he was going to shout at me and he stormed over and grabbed my face and he was shouting "Will you listen to me now?? I fucking hate you"
I didn't even know what to say.

Op that sounds horrible. How do you feel about him? Do you want to try to work it out with him?

I'm just so so sad. My head is racing in thinking about how I'll cope on my own and what I'm going to do. I'm shocked it came to that. Things used to be so good. I just keep crying. I thought things were bad because we're tired and stressed and have young kids and that it would be okay but now it's not okay. I feel really panicky.

Will he come home tonight?

Would you feel comfortable asking him to come home in the morning so you can talk?

Completelylost, that is absolutely appalling, I am so sorry. Mood swings, withholding affection, using his behaviour to elicit you to change yours is typical of controlling, abusive partners.

I stand by my first post - nothing justifies him assaulting you. The sentence can end there, it doesn't need the subclause of whether you said it honestly or maliciously. Trying to rationalise the event (and his previous behaviour) through unpicking what you thought, what you felt, what you said or what you did is part of being controlled. You have not brought this situation onto yourself. Like you said with reading about the countless women that have suffered under the hands of their partner, the creeping in of abuse is often so insidious, you can't believe you would ever be in that situation until you are there. This unbelievable catastrophic shock of the first time physical violence is committed, often makes a second time seem completely implausible - "he would never do this before", "I made him really angry", "I know the limits not, I won't push him again". It is seldom only ever the once.

There is a grief to finding out that the person you love is not who you thought they were. Along with the grief of the loss of the future you were planning to have. Do you have friends or family that you can confide in?

Ffs Highgarden.
He's crossed a line by hitting you OP. There is NEVER a reason to do that and by doing so he has shown his true colours.
Your priority now is to look after yourself and your children. Having a violent man in the house isn't going to keep you all safe.
You have no obligation to talk to him tomorrow or to let him back in. Take as much time as you need to decide what you want to happen next.
And please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Abusive men rely on women feeling guilty for what they have done.

I'm usually very close with my dad but he will be really angry and that worries me. I feel quite alone at the moment. I don't have many friends, I'm normally just on my own with my kids.
He said today that I wouldn't do anything for the kids if I didn't have to and that I use him as a glorified babysitter but I honestly dont. I haven't been out without my daughter apart from to my scans and she's two. I don't really do anything for myself because it never seems worth it so I don't understand how I use him. I just exist really and even that isn't good enough.

So sorry completely lost, he is abusive, you know that in your gut. None of us ever think we will find ourselves in that situation until we are in it. You won't see the wood from the trees until he is gone. I was always a "I'd never put up with being hit" type, until I found myself being dragged down the stairs by my hair, still went back a few times and have a scar on my head to prove it.

Once they look at you with contempt it's basically game over and you will rarely see the Mr nice guy they presented.

Completely, what has happened to you today is appalling. No wonder you feel shaken and very upset.
Do you feel safe now? Could he return tonight? You could call 101 and log what has happened.
I think it is well known that DV often starts or gets worse during pregnancy.
And then could you make an appointment with your GP or midwife to tomorrow and tell them what has happened? You definitely need some support right now.
Why would your dad be angry?
for you.

Have you considered a parent/toddler group? You'll meet more parents and it'll get you out the house.

I never ever condoned what he did. I said it wasn't a nice thing to say as an opinion. I maybe worded it wrong. /:

Highgarden, your input on this thread is truly shameful. Your deplorable "advice" is in direct contradiction of every single authority on domestic abuse. This is what the OP is experiencing. It's not that you worded it wrong, it is that it is completely irrelevant and damaging - it is not about the victim trying to unpick what they did to contribute to the situation.

OP, please do not invite him back into the house so you can talk. This is not a problem that you can fix through reasoned discussion. Please see that you deserve the same level of kindness, compassion and respect that you would wish for your children and anyone else that you love to receive. You have not brought the bad side out of your partner, this has always been part of him. Part of the control is creating a new reality for you to exist in, where you second guess and doubt yourself. This man has no respect for you whatsoever, please do let his warped control further damage your perception of yourself.

If you say that you are usually close to your Dad, has a distance formed between you, regarding issues with your relationship? Often women feel that they simply cannot do anything for fear of a type of ripple effect of reprisal, "well if I do this, then that might happen, which might cause this to then happen". Please seek out help and support from him. Otherwise, speaking to your GP or Midwife like PP has said, will let you discuss what has happened in a safe place where they can signpost you to other organisations that you might feel you can approach - places like Refuge, Women's Aid, or local organisations of the same ilk.

What!? highgarden did we read the same OP

There is nothing wrong with saying that she feels they're only together for the children. The response to that is not to grab her face and hurt her and call her a slag. Good God.

Please end things now OP. Pregnant or not a man who grabs your face and verbally abuses you and physically abuses you who you don't feel connected to anyway, that won't get better.

Start now and concentrate on your children and on your baby.
I've been there, it's shit. Leaving is the right thing to
do.

You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out of it. Please phone the police now and tell them what has happened. They will take you very seriously. I am worried for you about when he comes back. Can you bolt the door?
It's not your fault, he's following the pattern of behaviour of abusive partners. Please phone Women's Aid for advice and support, 0808 2000 247 available 24 hrs, they always phone back within a time frame you leave in your message if lines are busy.
Be sure to tell your midwife at your next appointment or sooner.
Visit your GP, you sound depressed - not surprisingly.
Whose name is on the mortgage/tenancy?

I think highgarden is possibly enjoying prompting outrage on this thread. If so that would be the lowest of the low. S/he is certainly adding nothing helpful.

Please phone the police NOW. Tell them you are heavily pregnant. All this stress is bad for your baby. He may well be angry when he comes back. You have every reason to feel panicky.

He hasn't come back and he hasn't taken his keys so I've locked the front door now, I wouldn't be able to sleep with it unlocked but now I feel guilty for locking him out.
My dad will be really angry about what he's done and I'm worried about stressing him out. He is diabetic and in remission from cancer and I always try to be "okay" for him so he doesn't worry.
My midwife is very kind. I saw her when I had my daughter too so we have built up a bit of a rapport and I feel like I could maybe talk to her.
I'm going to try to sleep, I've given myself a head ache crying. Thank you all so much. I will come back in the morning.

Don't feel guilty. You are at risk. Please believe it.
And don't worry about your dad right now. You need to prioritise worrying about yourself and your DC. Please phone the police, they absolutely want to hear from someone in your situation.

OP, I'm now a bit worried that he will come back and get angry when he finds can't get in. If he starts knocking on the door, please do not let him in. Call 101, or 999.
Ideally though call 101 before you sleep.

If you want to know how far your relationship is from normal, read the classic thread at the top of the list here in Relationships: "Right, Listen Up Everybody".