Was I unreasonable to stay out late with DS?

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Some friends invited us to a barbecue yesterday evening, quite a few people we know would be there and I was looking forward to it. DH has been suffering from depression and although he's now off medication he still sometimes struggles in social situations, so he said he didn't really feel up to going. That was fine with me, so I went along with DS (8) and we had a nice time.

DH had said before we left that if DS is getting tired give him a ring and he'll drive to fetch us so DS doesn't have to walk home.

I lost track of time a bit because I'd had couple of glasses of wine and was enjoying catching up with friends. DS was happy playing with his friends too. It got to about 9pm and I texted DH to say we'd be leaving shortly but we'd walk home. DS and I then got chatting to people and before I knew it it was 10pm, so I texted DH again to say sorry lost track of time, will be home soon. Then about 5-10 mins later DH turned up, told us to get in the car, we were going home. I said there was no need to fetch us, we were going to walk home with friends, and although it was later than DS's normal bedtime he was fine and enjoying himself.

DS got upset because he'd wanted to walk home with friends, and I got upset because DH had made me feel like a naughty teenager who had missed their curfew.

Anyway me and DS went straight to bed when we got home and now today DH is barely talking to me.

I can't work out whether I should be apologising for being out late. My gut instinct is to be annoyed because my other friends all had similar age children and were still there or just leaving when we left, so it didn't feel that late. I wanted to go out and do something nice as it's a lovely day but DH is sat on his phone with a face like thunder.

Sounds like your dh was mardy because you had a nice time without him to me!!
Let him sulk.

He's completely out of order

Is he usually this controlling?

Your husband was and is totally out of line. Seems to me he wants you to be as miserable as he clearly is.

I think the only mitigating factor is, did he think after your 9pm text that you'd set off, and then when you didn't arrive thought something bad might have happened to you? But then he would have called, surely?

You certainly shouldn't be apologising for being out late - holidays are nearly over and so late nights (esp on a Sunday) will soon be out of the question again.

I wouldn't apologise you have done nothing wrong! My ex husband was exactly like this - sulked whenever he wasn't centre of attention. All your husband has now done is spoil the lovely time you and your son had. That's not late especially as it's a Bank Holiday also it's not as if you were at a pub - it was a family barbecue. Don't pander to him as you will just enjoy yourself less or he will do it even more. It took me many years to learn this

Let him sulk.

10pm as a one off in the holidays is hardly ridiculously late with an 8 year old who has enjoyed themselves.

Being out late isn't wrong, but I can see why the text then nothing irritated him. However I think he massively overreacted.

I was just going to type what tribpot said.

I've had depression and anxiety. I can imagine being beside myself with worry by 10, jumping in the car to look for you, not seeing your second text because I was driving, and being at the BBQ before I knew it. I might even be a bit off with you, not because it's truly deserved but because it's a common reaction to recently released worry.

No excuse for him being an arse today though.

Yes after my 9pm text he texted back at 9.45pm asking where we were and I wrote back at about 10pm saying we'd lost track of time. He then turned up about ten minutes after that (we live about a 3 min drive away). I guess he might not have seen my second text so was worried and came out looking for us. But it's the way he's been about it that's pissed me off. Why couldn't he just say he was worried rather than being in a strop all day.

Is he normally like this? He sounds like an utter arse

I've done something similar with DH p, said I'm in my way back and then got distracted. It got to about45 mins after ETA. I got a text just saying ' Are you ok and just nattering!'
If he had turned up and said that I had to get in the car and he was leaving I would be absolutely livid. How bloody well dare he and then have the cheek to sulk!

I'd be annoyed if I'd been given different times and was hanging around waiting to pick you up. Although I'd have text you and said i'm not faffing around anymore either pick a time or get a taxi.

His mental health condition may have made it more difficult for him to cope with too, with depression often comes anxiety

He was probably sitting at home alone and getting increasingly jealous and shitty that you were obviously having fun out. He might have started to fixate on it and just snapped.

Not a justification, and he behaved pretty poorly. If DH did this I'd tell him very clearly to get over himself. Your DH is likely going to sulk and glower and sook to control your mood, predicting you'll bend.

Titans, op was walking and didn't need to pick a time.

Thanks PicAChew I've clearly read it wrong!

I would have a talk with him - might just be a miscommunication?

If his reaction is down to depression then he should still be on medication.
As has been said many times, depression is no excuse for being an arse. It really sounds like he was pissed off that you were having a good time.
Is this behaviour typical of him?
My dh also suffers from depression (still on medication, although much better) and can find social situations difficult. However, he usually forces himself to go and is always glad afterwards.

I had exactly the same situation with my DH, his mental health, a BBQ and my two sons.
DS1 who's 15 came with me; DS2, 11, stayed home with my husband.
DS and I rolled in around midnight in a taxi. I'd had a few beers, but wasn't hammered.
DH didn't bat an eyelid. The only thing he did was texted at around 10.30 to check if we were coming home or staying over.

I find this astonishing. You did nothing wrong. I bet your boy had a brilliant time and will remember it. Staying up late at a fun social event makes great memories for most kids.

Your DH on the other hand was an embarrassing controlling miserable arsehole. He is treating you like a subservient staff member, incapable of looking after his precious child. Depression is not an excuse for arseholery. Tell him not to treat you like that again and ask him wtf his problem was. My guess is he begrudged you both having fun whilst he was at home.

Eh?! We keep our 3 and 5 year olds up til 10ish when we're on holiday, 10pm for an 8 year old in the school hols is no problem, presumably you wouldn't do that if he had school the next day?!

Your dh is annoyed you were out having fun, totally his issue and I wouldn't be pandering to a will!

No, he's being v unreasonable. Your instincts about what you should be feeling are correct.

I have had depression and anxiety for 20 years, I have never behaved like this even when I had horrible XBF who repeatedly stood me up.

What is the issue here is not that he is depressed and has got anxious, it's that his behaviour on this occasion indicates that he feels entitled to control/abuse you and DS when he is feeling negative emotions (depression/anxiety).

It's a very basic thing that we teach children from a very young age, that there is an important distinction between feelings and the actions we choose based on the feelings we have.

If this is the only time he has behaved like this you need to stamp it out very quickly by refusing to tolerate it. If it isn't and it is part of a pattern of him behaving badly because he is feeling bad he needs to take responsibility for changing his coping strategies and if he is just like this all the time depression or no I doubt depression is even a problem. Being like this all the time is simply old fashioned controlling behaviour.

Cause he is a man he is sitting home and getting jealous?

When a man is out and keeps changing the time they will be home and changing the method of getting home (the earlier lift idea was left open) and woman complains here then he is given a row for being disrespectful.

Need to be consistent people.

When DP tells me that they are leaving an event/place and are not home based on what would be a normal amount of time then I do worry. Perhaps being late after saying you were leaving with no update prompted him to worry? Is that a bad thing. Women get to do it.

You should not be apologising for being out OP but I think you both need to work on communication skills and appropriate approaches to managing things like lateness. If he comes out and says he was unhappy you were out late then he is being an arse and needs to wind his neck in