Was I unreasonable to stay out late with DS?

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Some friends invited us to a barbecue yesterday evening, quite a few people we know would be there and I was looking forward to it. DH has been suffering from depression and although he's now off medication he still sometimes struggles in social situations, so he said he didn't really feel up to going. That was fine with me, so I went along with DS (8) and we had a nice time.

DH had said before we left that if DS is getting tired give him a ring and he'll drive to fetch us so DS doesn't have to walk home.

I lost track of time a bit because I'd had couple of glasses of wine and was enjoying catching up with friends. DS was happy playing with his friends too. It got to about 9pm and I texted DH to say we'd be leaving shortly but we'd walk home. DS and I then got chatting to people and before I knew it it was 10pm, so I texted DH again to say sorry lost track of time, will be home soon. Then about 5-10 mins later DH turned up, told us to get in the car, we were going home. I said there was no need to fetch us, we were going to walk home with friends, and although it was later than DS's normal bedtime he was fine and enjoying himself.

DS got upset because he'd wanted to walk home with friends, and I got upset because DH had made me feel like a naughty teenager who had missed their curfew.

Anyway me and DS went straight to bed when we got home and now today DH is barely talking to me.

I can't work out whether I should be apologising for being out late. My gut instinct is to be annoyed because my other friends all had similar age children and were still there or just leaving when we left, so it didn't feel that late. I wanted to go out and do something nice as it's a lovely day but DH is sat on his phone with a face like thunder.

This is not about being out late. This is about him punishing the OP for not doing what he expected she should do. If that's more than a one off and is in fact a pattern it is abusive.

What a dick! I don't think 10pm is late at all especially if not in school the day after.

If dp had done this to me I'd have sent him away. I understand depression is awful but it's not a free pass to be a knobber.

I think the only way forward is an honest conversation between the two of you, he has to explain what was going on for him, what made him so wound up. It's most likely not about you being late, it's what it means for him, its most likely old feelings being played out in the present. If you have an otherwise good relationship, I would show him some compassion and try and get him to talk about it. I think he owes you that as well.

Does he have form for this? Do you?

Thanks all. I think the general consensus is that I don't need to apologise for being late bit maybe ask if he was worried after my first text and take it from there. I'm not sure whether I'd say he has form for this but he does like a sulk.

He never goes out as he's lost touch with all his friends and I do go out possibly once every two weeks with my friends. He will sometimes, not sulk exactly, but be a bit off with me the following day. He had been getting a bit better as we'd had a talk about it, but he seems to be getting more sulky again lately. I do invite him out when I go out, try to encourage him to get in touch with old friends etc but he doesn't seem bothered about going out. But I don't like feeling guilty for going out myself.

I'm annoyed that he's basically had us all treading on eggshells today when we could have been doing something nice.

My friend's dad this to us when we were 16 and clubbing until late. He turned up outside the club in his pyjamas and dragged us into the car.

You are not 16.

You could still have walked? Unless he physically forced you into the car? I would have done so but I am childish.

Yes but then he'd have been even more pissed off.

He cannot turn up and order you into the car. How is he not the one tiptoing around after that performance? You are not his child. You child was with you and under appropriate supervision.

It's he who needs to make amends and speak to his medical advisors about going back on his medication after this episode.

Surely you refused to get into the car and walked home as planned?

It can be frustrating to receive a "I'm leaving now" message and then for the person to still be there an hour later just because you plan for them returning mentally, worry if they're not back when you'd expect them to be.

But turning up was an 'aggressive' act on his part and unnecessary.

It sounds like you're scared of upsetting him as he will punish you by sulking whenever you have the temerity to go out and have a good time without him

Your update shows it has nothing to do with worry at all. If he is always off with you when you go out then it's a control thing, he is trying to wear you down so you don't go out like him. Bullshit he didn't see the text, the times don't fit at all, of course he would have checked before he got in the car.

Absolutely do not apologise, tell him to buck up and cop on or leave because you will not be controlled because you refuse to be a friendless hermit like him

Iwouldgoouttonight,

Re your comment:-

"I'm not sure whether I'd say he has form for this but he does like a sulk".

Have a look at his parents OP: do they do the same?. Bet one of them does and consistently. This can be learnt behaviour so is deeply ingrained. He has learnt that this works for him. Sulking as well is never ever about silence; its another form of emotional abuse. The effect of shutting a partner out is a powerful tool in conveying displeasure. More so if others around you (children, family members, pets) are given a lot of positive attention while you’re frozen out. Or if the behaviour is also targeted at those you care for (your children, friends).
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive action where a person feels bad but is unable to express themselves. Their being 'silent' is never a silent act. It generates what the sulker wants. Attention and the knowledge others are hurt. Plus a feeling of power from creating uncertainty over how long the ‘silence’ will last.

Re your comment:-
"He never goes out as he's lost touch with all his friends and I do go out possibly once every two weeks with my friends. He will sometimes, not sulk exactly, but be a bit off with me the following day. He had been getting a bit better as we'd had a talk about it, but he seems to be getting more sulky again lately. I do invite him out when I go out, try to encourage him to get in touch with old friends etc but he doesn't seem bothered about going out. But I don't like feeling guilty for going out myself.

Such abusive men do not have friends, was not at all surprised to read that first bit. The nice/nasty cycle with him is becoming ever more apparent each time you got out without him. He does not want you to go out and hates the fact that you are happier than he is. He sulks and does these controlling behaviours to exert power and control over both you and your son. It works for him and has learnt as much from others.

"I'm annoyed that he's basically had us all treading on eggshells today when we could have been doing something nice."

He does not give a shit about doing anything nice; he is "happy" in his own misery when he bosses you and your son about and bends you to his will.

What do you think your son is learning about relationships here, are these the lessons you also want to be teaching him?.

Treading on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear. This is no life for your and your son for that matter. This man is not going to change.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Keep this book well hidden from him.

He's out of line. He made a choice not to go, which means that he gets to sit at home by himself until you come home.

Don't let him steer it into anything else, or you will put up with the crap forever. If he wants to stay home and feel sorry for himself, then he doesn't get to show up and act like you are out of line.

Depression or other mental illness doesn't give him extra rights.