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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Text or not?

30 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 10:15

Met someone recently and we hit it off straight away, the chemistry was amazing, and really liked each other. We've met 3 times and the 4th was a possibility this weekend. He was going to let me know on Saturday if he was free to meet in the evening. It got to late afternoon and no text, so I asked and he said he'd let me know. An hour an a half later and he still doesn't know, half 8 says his sister is upset and wants him to go out but he was adament it wasn't an excuse.

I've not replied. Do you think I'm being messed about?

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 28/08/2017 10:18

Yes. Sounds like he was hanging out for a better offer.

Florene · 28/08/2017 10:20

Yes. He kept you in reserve whilst hoping for a better offer. Not necessarily another woman, but still.

If he genuinely couldn't commit he should have just told you no early on, even if he was still hoping to sort something out, so you weren't left hanging.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 10:22

Thanks. So shall I forget about him?

OP posts:

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 28/08/2017 10:25

Let him go. If he comes back please ignore him or you'll risk being a fallback girl. There's no excuse for drifting silence and putting you in a holding pattern other than he's eyeing up other sweeties on the sweet trolley. Lust is powerful. Once it's sated so many people seem to move on to the next one. Time for you to move on.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 28/08/2017 10:27

I'd leave it. Back away yourself. It sounds like three really good dates in a row implies something that he doesn't want and now he is trying to de-construct what you might reasonably be assuming. Don't ignore that.

If he does get back to you in a few weeks, don't view it as a fourth date. Remember that he left you sitting in on Saturday night.

It's hard to understand it but sadly even when you do feel great chemistry (emotional and physical) with somebody they can still see you as incompatible with their life plan. So they want you there, but without you assuming it means anything.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2017 10:27

Let it go now. If he is interested he will come back to you. Don't jump when he does. Make yourself slightly unavailable. Game playing is shit but don't chase him anymore.

Ellisandra · 28/08/2017 10:29

He was waiting for someone else to confirm something.
Whether that's another date, or a mate, who knows.
But if you're not worth making a firm plan with - you know where you stand.

Occasionally I am unable to commit - like, I have to work late tonight, but I can definitely call you at 20:00 to let you know whether the night is a write-off. My boyfriend understands, because I don't give him hazy vague flaky shit about "if I'm free". I tell him what's going on, when I will be able to confirm - and then I do.

Only date men who actually want to move other things to make firm plans with you.

Charley50 · 28/08/2017 10:53

I agree move on. He's saying your time isn't important and he can just keep you hanging on. He'll do it again and again if you accept it.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 12:47

Thanks everyone.

He's just text saying "Hi, I really like you, you know". But like you say, if I respond he'll do it again. Really hard not to reply!

OP posts:

user1488575338 · 28/08/2017 12:49

If he really liked you he wouldn't have left you hanging on. Ignore him.

TheNaze73 · 28/08/2017 12:50

if you have to overthink a text or hang on waiting for a reply, then don't bother. Life is too short for that shit.
Sounds like he is multidating & was waiting for the best option

Helloyouitsme · 28/08/2017 12:56

So why hasn't he made arrangements to see you today?

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 13:02

He's working today and I have my children tonight.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 28/08/2017 13:06

When you have to ask the question "should I text him or not?", the answer is always NOT. The only reason people (women!) bother asking the question is because they really want to text him but they know it's against their better judgement.

Stay strong. Remember your worth.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 13:27

I am listening to you all....my friend says I should give him a chance.

OP posts:

user1488575338 · 28/08/2017 14:07

It's your call. Give him a chance and see what happens, it will stop all the what if's. Trust your gut feeling.

demirose87 · 28/08/2017 14:13

I'd keep an open mind, there's a small chance his reasons might have been genuine. However I wouldn't be texting him again as you have already got in touch and asked, any more and you'll look desperate. I'd leave it up to him to decide what happens next and go from there.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 28/08/2017 14:19

I'd look at it like this.....

If a friend of yours asked to meet nut wouldn't make firm arrangements, do you think she really wants to meet you or not?

If you really wanted to meet someone but were unsure if you could make a certain day, would you tell them in advance so they could make alternative arrangements or would you leave them dangling until the last minute and then cancel?

Separate the fact that he is a man and assess his actions as you would with a friend.

Imo if a friend did that to me, Id be cross and would look at this friend as a very casual type of friend to ring up if I'd nothing better to do or I would write off this friend.

It sounds like this man sees you as the casual date type and it's up to you to decide if you are happy with a bit of company in the short term if you aren't doing anything else or if it would be better to try to find somebody who takes you more seriiously.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 28/08/2017 14:40

Not excusing his actions at all, but I think sometimes people who don't have to wait for their one child free night a week don't realise quite how precious it is when you're a single mum doing the donkey work alone the rest of the week.

Maybe he just hasn't twigged that this one evening is important and that he's honoured to be offered it.

I had this a few times when dating and each time I gave them one chance by pointing out that I like to have something planned for my night off, either make the plan, or tell me you're busy so I can plan something else. Generally they carried on making empty flaky promises and were promptly sacked off.

Current DP was a lot more proactive - maybe because he is a 50/50 dad who understood the value of those days off a bit more?

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 16:34

Thanks all.

I was undecided if I wanted it to be casual or long term. But even with being casual I'd still be unhappy with the lack of communication.

He knew that I'd be unavailable for several days and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity on Saturday. He has children too and puts them first like I do mine.

I do have a flakey friend, who I'm a bit flakey with too but if the same thing happens with her I just get on with it, as I know she loves me. Looking back it did annoy me when I first met her though. But with him I feel different I'm offended!

I'm still thinking to ignore. If he likes me he might get in contact, but even then I won't be jumping to him. I've had another friend suggesting a frank discussion.

OP posts:

Anon171175 · 28/08/2017 16:48

Personally I wouldn't respond. If he does really like you and has a genuine reason for keeping you hanging on, he will keep trying. Then its up to you whether you give him another chance.
I always image whether its something I would do. If its not, then its not acceptable.
I look back at what I was like in my early twenties. Hanging on waiting for guys to ring me and then ringing them cos they didn't. I just wouldn't entertain it now. Life is too short for games.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 28/08/2017 16:55

BTW I wasn't suggesting there is anything wrong with casual as long as both people are happy with it.

I have a lovely friend but she quite undependable. When I make plans, I get excited as she's great fun to go out with but our missed night became so casual and frequent that I now accept that is the way she is and until I'm ready to go out, I'm half expecting her to cancel. Now I have children the casualness appeals to me more as I don't feel bad for cancelling on her when I need to.

I wouldn't be happy with it in a relationship though tbh and interestingly when she was with her last boyfriend I often heard her literally pinning down times so she can be very straightforward when she wants to too.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 17:22

Would it be reasonable of me to think that because I'd already asked him to day before to meet, that just because his sister was low (if it was genuine) he should've still considered meeting me or are my expectations too high?

I'm going to take the majority of posters advice, even though I'm very tempted to say "I'm not sure I want to see you again because if it was me I wouldn't keep someone hanging on for so long" just to see what he said and to find out where I stand.

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Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 17:23

*already asked him the day before

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Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/08/2017 17:24

and add "casual or not"

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