Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me make a really hard decision

33 replies

Decisionsboohiss · 28/08/2017 09:45

I've name changed for this as it is super outing (if you know me - hi!) but have a really hard decision to make that I need help with.

Early in the year I got offered an excellent job overseas - somewhere very exciting where lots of people would love to live. It would be a great job for me but DH would be throwing his fates on the winds and likely looking after the DCs at least at first. It would be long hours for me also so DC would carry the bulk of the home care etc.

Our relationship has been really really rocky (including a separation) and while we are now (very recently) back together we have a lot of work to do and I am still not 100% committed to him. I feel like our relationship could honestly go either way. Nothing bad happened per se, we just grew apart I suppose.

He didn't want to go before, but now says he will to support me - something he only said after we separated. I don't know if he really does want to go or just sees it as necessary for us to work, and can't tell.

It's now the moment of truth though. Do I commit to go, even though my relationship is not in a very good state? I need to decide and it's really really hard ..

If I turn it down there may be other chances, but nothing is a given ...

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 28/08/2017 09:48

I remember being in this situation with my ex. I told him l would go abroad, but l didn't want to, and wouldn't really have gone.

We split up later over this.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 09:50

You would be mad to move everyone abroad in these circumstances.

If I were him i would not go.

It will put more strain on. How far is it? Is there anyway you can do it and travel back at weekends.

I know several people who do this.

Original poster
Decisionsboohiss · 28/08/2017 09:54

It's quite far - the other side of the Atlantic!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/08/2017 09:59

What have you done to try and reconnect? Have you thought about counselling as a couple?

Does the move mean you will be the only person earning? If he's giving up his job, that leaves him vulnerable financially.

If so, I wouldn't want to go under those circumstances in a rocky relationship.

Can you go alone and leave the kids with him? Not sure if it's a contract or permanent role.

jeaux90 · 28/08/2017 09:59

I would go if it's a career move of a lifetime but then I am very bloody minded about my career (and a single mum so I don't have the same obligation as you)

Maybe it could be a make or break thing? Give it a go for a year. I mean seriously think about the impact on the kids of course, schools etc and if you want to try and make it work then be supportive of him finding something he wants to do there.

I also believe in compelling events. This could be yours.

jeaux90 · 28/08/2017 10:01

Oh and I did do the ex pat thing for 3 years in the gulf.

splendidisolation · 28/08/2017 10:01

I would go. Lifes too short to pass these kinds of opportunities up. Its an adventure. If it doesnt work out, the known wil always be there

Original poster
Decisionsboohiss · 28/08/2017 10:05

Thanks for the advice! To answer questions it is a three year stint, and if I can't finish the three years it will be worse for my career than not going at all.

I'll have other chances but don't know if they will come to pass

We are doing couple counselling and it's helping to an extent but we still aren't strong

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 28/08/2017 10:09

If you split abroad would he stay and look after the children?

If he returned home would you be able to get childcare?

Original poster
Decisionsboohiss · 28/08/2017 10:16

If we split up we'd all have to come home and it would be detrimental for my career

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 10:16

Do you not think its unfair to move your family abroad, including the kids when your heart isnt in making it work. When he will be there being a sahp, no income or opportunity.

What happens if you split? Can he come home, can he bring the kids?

Would he be forced to stay? Would you have to live in the same house? Would you still support his living costs.

All this needs agreeing on.

coffeecow · 28/08/2017 10:17

Maybe a complete fresh start like that might help the relationship in some ways? Taking on an adventure together etc..

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 28/08/2017 10:18

I'd go. I was an expat brat and feel that my international childhood has really benefited me as an adult. I followed my XH abroad and found a job there. Those 6.5 years abroad were so good.

He says he'll support you. You can only take his words at face value and it could be just what your relationship needs - an adventure with purpose for you to focus on as a family and a couple. Make sure he realises that if you go you're committed for three years. If he still says yes then do it!

CheckpointCharlie2 · 28/08/2017 10:20

I agree with splendid. Also your relationship will be tricky wherever you are, maybe somewhere new will give you new things to do together and might help you pull together.

I would do it as long as the dc were on board.

jeaux90 · 28/08/2017 10:20

3 years is nothing.

I'd still go but don't over commit yourself financially whilst you are out there in terms of renting the loveliest house your budget can afford. I would make sure there is budget for getting childcare to support him also working or doing stuff that means you are also invested in him being happy.

If this move means a lot to you he probably needs to see you making it work for him too.

HollyBuckets · 28/08/2017 10:40

Bloody-minded camp here. I'd go.

Also -reverse the sexes. It's quite "normal" for women to follow their spouses in this kind of situation.

How many men just assume their wives will follow them - a lot, I suspect. And if you didn't take up the offer, what are the consequences for your career and future advancement? If your relationship is shaky, then you may need to maximise earnings in the future.

If you go, yes it will put strain on the relationship. Does your DP have transferable skills?

But if you don't go, you're also making a huge gamble, imo. You may not be given other chances - the prejudice against women with families is hard enough.

An international experience is great for kids.

Are you married or partners? I think thAt might make a difference. But you know, you're thinking of everyone but yourself. As women do. And then they get totally screwed.

Acopyofacopy · 28/08/2017 10:41

So your dh would be the trailing spouse initially. Once everybody is settled in, would there be opportunities for him? A work visa? A programme for spouses by your work? Do you speak the local language?

Lots of expat stints abroad fail because the spouses feel trapped and isolated. I would only move if there is some kind of perspective for your dh in this.

EscapingAdultLife · 28/08/2017 10:50

Would your company be providing visas for your DH? Would they be offering relevant support and sponsorship to enable DH to get a job if you both relocate? Why would you all need to return home if you split? 3 years infant a very long time, surely if you split you could cover child care costs and could use any holidays to reunite with children or for DH to spend time with children?

I would say go for it... the chances are you will regret it if you don't and life shouldn't be full of regrets! If you do begin to regret it and it delays career progress then surely this will just be another negative for your relationship?!

Lots of people do stints abroad for years at a time a d have a successful long distance marriage etc.

EscapingAdultLife · 28/08/2017 10:51

^isn't not infant!!

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 10:56

. It's quite "normal" for women to follow their spouses in this kind of situation.

This is very true.

And if a woman posted that her dh had been offered a job abroad, the marriage was failing, the dh was committed to making it work, she would be probably a sahp, no real plan for supporting herself

I would say the same as i have above.

RidingWindhorses · 28/08/2017 10:58

If in the case of a split he'd agree to stay there (or you could definitely get childcare) and you could see out the 3 year term, I'd go.

If you'd have to come home if you split - the whole thing is quite precarious and you risk uprooting your kids twice with no benefit to your career.

HollyBuckets · 28/08/2017 12:08

Fair point, Gorgo - we can agree to differ (and it's easy for us, it's not one of our lives).

But general social practices support a man far more than a woman in these circumstances. So I wanted to say to the OP that it's OK to think of herself more than a woman is socialised to do.

Original poster
Decisionsboohiss · 28/08/2017 12:22

That's a good way of thinking about it Gorgo.

We would have to return if we split up though as dhs visa to remain would be contingent on if being together if that makes sense.

I'm told by work it's not now or never but I just don't know. It's the hardest decision I have had to make. Until recently I felt quite trapped in the relationship- it's better now but I worry that would come back

But I take the point of pps that a change may be good too. I just don't know

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 12:23

I agree Holly. Thats why i said its true. Smile

I dont think its should come down to gender. I asked the op if she could commute at weekends, because her gender is not the issue. The issue is the risk involved.

The things to consider are

They dont know what he will be doing, possibly sahp
He might be solely reliant on her
Op isnt sure she wants to be in the relationship
Coming home early will damage her career
Op says if they split she will have to come home early
If they could stay, can op maintian 2 houses
Or could they live in the same place
Would she be happy to continue to financially support him if they split.
Would she be happy for him to come home
Or come home with the kids.

The main issue here is that the Op isnt sure about the relationship. But knows she cant do this without him.

If the relationship was good. Or the Op definitely 100% wanted it to work, it would be less risk. Even a new start

I often think lots of women (not all become) trailing spouses without really thinking about the risks involved. Doing it when your marriage is rocky is a huge risk. Especially if it involves a risk to her career.

Regardleas of gender. Thats what i am trying to say. It is more acceptable (in society in general) to follow the husband. But its the circumstances here, at least for me. Not their gender.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 12:24

Oh and also i think it could be doable if both people are likely to be reasonable in the split and make an agreement.

But only op and her dh know if thats possibke. People change during splits.

Swipe left for the next trending thread