Help me make a really hard decision

[Decisionsboohiss]

I've name changed for this as it is super outing (if you know me - hi!) but have a really hard decision to make that I need help with.

Early in the year I got offered an excellent job overseas - somewhere very exciting where lots of people would love to live. It would be a great job for me but DH would be throwing his fates on the winds and likely looking after the DCs at least at first. It would be long hours for me also so DC would carry the bulk of the home care etc.

Our relationship has been really really rocky (including a separation) and while we are now (very recently) back together we have a lot of work to do and I am still not 100% committed to him. I feel like our relationship could honestly go either way. Nothing bad happened per se, we just grew apart I suppose.

He didn't want to go before, but now says he will to support me - something he only said after we separated. I don't know if he really does want to go or just sees it as necessary for us to work, and can't tell.

It's now the moment of truth though. Do I commit to go, even though my relationship is not in a very good state? I need to decide and it's really really hard ..

If I turn it down there may be other chances, but nothing is a given ...

Sorry to post again op.

But this time 2 years ago, i felt trapped 8n my marriage. It might be for different reasons. One of mine was dh, one was the kids. You have less freedom with kids.

Dh went to counselling and its loads better. But the fear it could go back is a valid concern. It was there all the time, as time has gone on its become less and less.

If you split tomorrow or next week or next montg, would you be able to go?

Surely even if you split DH could still stay for the remainder of your contract, work do not need to know your separation so the visa can stay in place.

I would go as it really would be make or break for your relationship and then you'd know. Are you both in the same place re status of your relationship? If you could both commit to 3 years and making it work for at least that time then it's a good starting point.

I second a PP though about managing finances carefully and making sure he can build a life for himself there too and not just be 'there for you' as that will help rebuild your relationship and minimise any resentment.

I did it, ended up staying for five years, go, these ipportunities,don't come along often and you could resent him for it and rhe what might have been.

In addition the pp said, if you do split, you don't have to tell anyone , he can still stay. I think his commitment should be to stay the full three years.

Are you really just trying to make the relationship work so that you can count on his support in this career move? In the circs you have described it does not sounds feasible to wholeheartedly commit that your relationship will withstand the upheaval tbh.

I'm a big supporter of working abroad (I've done it several times) but it is hard on relationships. If you have cracks showing in your relationship now, the pressure of living overseas will increase them. A lot. A know a lot of first time expat couples who split within a year or two of moving overseas. From what you've written OP, your chances of staying together as a couple overseas don't sound great.

I would be asking the question whether I want to put my career before my relationship. Would you be happy working overseas without your DP? If you split, could he move back and you and the DC stay to finish your 3 years? If you don't go, will your frustration at turning down this opportunity be enough to split you up anyway? These are all hard questions but you need to think the answers through before making a decision.

Whatever you do though, don't think this move overseas is the equivalent to a "band-aid baby" and will fix your relationship. The move overseas will only intensify the pressure. It may long term change your relationship for the better but you need to be rock solid as a couple for this to happen.

I still don't understand why you would all have to come home if you split up?

Either DH stays and gets a job and you don't tell anyone you have split. Or, you split and DH comes home alone and you stay with the DC.
Or you split and DH comes home with the DC and you stay.

In your DH shoes I probably wouldn't go. I would be too worried about being stuck in a country I didn't want to be in for the sake of seeing my DC.

Even if you moved and split up, he could go back with the DC and you could carry on working couldn't you?

You would get time off to see them or be able to fly them out during school holidays.

Is it a place your DH would be happy to live even if you split up? If he got a job there and you split up, would you really have to announce your split

How does your DH feel about moving when things ate so shaky? Has he expressed any concerns?