Difficult ex arguing with me in front of kids

[HopeontheHorizon]

I've name changed for this but basically I have left a toxic abusive relationship. I wish it was as simple as that.

Ex when he comes to my house to pick kids up and drop them off keeps starting an argument with me. I have repeatedly asked him to stop but he finds something to pick on and goes bat shit.

He was like this during our relationship hence I asked him to leave. It can be the slightest thing I say that sets him off but he goes from 0 to angry in seconds. This was our entire relationship. I left it in the hope it would stop.

I have text him last week saying I will civil with him but that's it and if he argues with me I won't respond. But when he's here he makes it unbearable. He is an emotionally abusing twat, he is the classic narcissist, he entered me on more than one occasion in my sleep, he has blackmailed me, cheated, the list goes on. I think civil is the best he can hope for from me but he keeps arguing with me.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here but how do I deal with it? It's effecting my kids, the eldest one in particular.

Could someone else do the hand overs for you, or could you do them somewhere public like a supermarket car park?
You might also want to consider reporting the rapes or at least talking to someone about them.

How old are your children?
Do not let him in the house. Be prepared and do hand overs at the gate, and shut the door before he can really start an argument.
If this doesn't work get someone else to do handovers fora bit.
He is actually abusing the children by arguing with you in this way.

Get kids to say goodbye to him in the car/on the walk home so you can literally open the door and shut it behind them.
My DD is a baby so I need to stand at the door and give ex her bag and maybe say "she's eaten this..will nap at.." and vise Versa but assuming your children aren't babies I don't see why you need to do a hand over.
Or you go to the door but their dad stands at the end of the drive and waves them off from there after saying goodbye properly before hand.
If there's anything you need to know about the children he can text you.

You can request supervised handovers. I had to do this with XH for a while since he was using pick ups/drop offs to continue his abuse and it wasn't good for DS1. Also, you shouldn't have to tolerate his continued abuse.

The handover back is straightforward, my parents said he can drop the kids off at their house then I can pick them up. When he colllects them on a Friday he has to pop round very early am as I have to go to work. I can get them dressed but don't have time to give them breakfast so he takes over that bit. He now lives about 20 miles away at his parents house and I don't want him stopping here on a Thursday night. Because of his working hours (he sometimes doesn't get home til about 9pm) he can't pick the kids up on Thursday night to take them to his or it will be very late for them. On a Friday morning there's no one around to be here as a third party.

I can't cope with him and his shitstorm every time he comes round

My kids are 4 - starting school next week so I don't want this to be a source of trouble when he starts school.

Youngest is almost 2.

Wrt to rape, he says he never has as he hasn't forced himself on me

I would find an alternative to him coming in to feed the kids. He shouldn't be in your home

It may be best I pack a bag for them and he picks them up once dressed and takes them to his or out. Will be difficult once the oldest starts school in my home time because ex will have to pick him up so he would massively object to to driving to mine, taking oldest to school, taking the youngest to his and then having to come back to pick eldest up.

It will give him grounds to start another row with me. And he will.

My DP's ex is like this. In order to stop it I made sure that I was there at handover (usually in the car). At first we made it seem like it was unavoidable (e.g. I'm dropping Heidi of at XYZ after we've collected you/we were on our way home from ABC so collected you when we can past). That way children and ex were warned beforehand. Now it's habitual. I'm nearly always there and there are no doorstep dramas.

Sorry, didn't see the update.

I would find an alternative to him coming in to feed the kids. He shouldn't be in your home

Advertise in school newsletters and see if someone will have them on Fridays and give them breakfast or even if you can get a breakfast babysitter (maybe someone's au pair would do it for extra cash).

What sort of things is he kicking off about? Part of me thinks that he can't argue with someone who will not engage (in the same way that a dog can't chase a cat that won't run away), but I accept it's not always that easy.

It takes two to have an argument, by taking the bait you're giving him exactly what he wants. He's never going to be reasonable so stop expecting him to be. Get the kids dressed and make them breakfast to go, as soon as the door bell rings usher them out the door with kisses and hugs and then shut the door.

Detach, detach, detach. Bullies thrive off attention and your power lies in not giving it.

Just generally kicking up a fuss when he's here. Anything I say - normal requests etc and he argues back. For example ds1 needs x, y and z. Answer back: well why don't you fucking do it.

Even though I'm getting myself sorted for work.

Just everything I say he answers back like a petulant child. I don't rise to it but any thing which is deemed as a normal conversation between two parents who are co-parenting he answers back on. I can't take it anymore.

You need to change him being in your house while you're getting ready. Can you take them to school on Fridays? Or drop them with a friend who can then deal with idiot ex? Why can't he get them Friday evening instead? You have to put a definitive stop to the drama of him being in your space, that's not on.

Definitely agree with not letting him in the house. My ex used to come to my home, and constantly pick on everything I said/did. I put a stop to it.
Can you get up earlier on a Friday and get yourself ready before the kids?

Have to kids ready at the front door. Don't let him in usher them off and say goodbye. Don't give him the opportunity to start anything.

Same with drop off. Meet him at the door and let the kids in. Then say goodbye and shut the door. If he has something to say, step outside. If he argues walk away and shut the door.

If he has a key, change the locks.

If the above don't work, meet in a neutral location or tell him you'll go through route of a contact centre if this doesn't stop.

Thanks for the replies. I think I'm going nuts to have to take them to my mums on a Friday morning and he can get them from there. I have no childcare for youngest one on a Friday and eldest will be in school soon enough. I'm out the door for 8 and don't get home til 6.

I'm just sick of the abuse. He even text me today and I don't think he 'gets' that we're over. It's ridiculous. He think I can just sweep what he's done under the carpet and we can go back to normal.

I've text him today and said he is not to come to my house anymore. I'm going to have to be tough with him. It's so exhausting.

Going nuts??? Not sure what that was meant to say and yes I am going nuts with him pecking my head and invading my mental space

I think once you find a way to minimise contact with him, you'll have a clearer head

My ex does some of this eg he knows ds1 is sensitive to his nails being cut he harps on and on about it but won't actually do it (ds1 is strong and it's best he gives permission)

We have pick up from school and he text me when he drops the kids off I go out and collect them

Has hesponded to your text about getting them from your mums on a Friday? I don't see any other alternative other than you all getting up very early on a Friday so they are dressed and fed and waiting at the door for him. Having him in your house isn't helping the situation at all and I think you've done the right thing putting a stop to it.