Husband says we are separated...what do I do?

[Glago2017]

I'm new to this so don't really know what I'm doing, it is a long one.

Basically my husband says we are separated/taking a break from our relationship as he has not been happy for a while. I am 6 months pregnant with his child and have just signed for a house that we move into in the next few weeks. He says me and the baby are his number 1 priority. One minute he says he still loves me the next he's changed his mind. He says he still finds me attractive.
We haven't been having sex, it's my fault as I was very apprehensive doing it while pregnant. The one time we did do it he said I made him feel unloved, horrible and unwanted( I apologised) with the way I acted and now doesn't want to touch me or me to touch him as he is scared of hurting me. Doesn't see me sexually atm.
The thing is he is texting/seeing a girl who he says he likes. She is 12years younger than him. He says he needs/wants sex which he isn't getting from me. I think he is with her just now.
My head is all over the place. Will these feelings develop? Will he get bored of her?
He says he still wants to get the house and bring the baby up together as a family and maybe the baby will reconnect us and we can work on our relationship.
Do I continue and hope that once the baby is here we can work on things or do I leave and be a single parent( he will be involved) this terrifies me.
We have now got a mortgage and signed for the house so don't know what would happen with this as neither of us can afford it on our own.
My head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another.

He's not nice.
A decent man does not leave his pregnant wife.
You don't have to accept his relationship with another woman. Certainly don't sit back and wait for it to be over, whilst pretending to the rest of the world that everything is fine, for his convenience.
Do you have parents? Tell them what a rat he is. Your close friends also, if you have them.
Covering this up would not be healthy for you.
You might be terrified of being a single parent - so was I (split with husband when dd was four) but it's more terrifying to be a wife living on a knife-edge while the husband does exactly what he likes with no thought for you at all.
Get real life help, and show him the door.
Let's say it all goes tits-up with the new house - it's only money, things. You and the baby need to know you have each other, without being messed about by him.

I wouldn't accept or tolerate his infidelity and would personally be making the separation permanent by getting divorced.

How dare he cheat on you while you're pregnant. How could you ever feel safe with a man like this. He's got you thinking it's you fault as well.

You and the baby are not his priority.... Getting sex is his priority.

So he's shagging someone else but expects you to hang around and hope he'll come back?

What? He's left uou at six months pregnant to shag someone else because you aren't comfortable with Sex and you're concerned about will he come back?

Grab hold of your self esteem, tell him he either comes back or stays away for ever. He has a day to decide. Then end it.

How long have you been married for?

You need to do the 180 and find yourself a birthing partner. Don't let him have the privilege of being in the delivery room with you. Years later, he can remember why he lost the privilege of seeing his first child being born.

Get your mum /sister /good friend or a Doula

Some of the things may not apply or be difficult being pregnant... But you'll get the gist of it.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

You haven't got a mortgage or a house until you have completed. Don't do it while he is busy playing silly buggers.

You are worth more than him. He is not a nice man. Nice men don't kick you in the teeth when you are most vulnerable. You and the baby have never been his priority - his priority is a) him having sex b) you not rocking the boat.

Go to your mum's, tell people in real life what he's done

Agree with ^.... I'd pull out of the purchase.

get out now!
Cancel the mortgage, if the purchase is not completed then you can stop NOW.

Get yourself away from this cheating heartless man and start planning life with your new baby. I think to cheat on your pregnant wife with a girl over a decade younger and be so blatant about it is just about a disrespectful as you can get. Please take it from me, (just at the start of a divorce after over 16 years) I had the chance to get out about 6 years go when I caught him before but I stayed and believed his crap and tried to make it work for my dd and stick by my wedding vows......now that is one of my biggest regrets.

We have been married nearly 5 years and together nearly 10.

Where we are from when you sign you 'missifs' which we have you are in a legal contract. So basically we own the house but we just aren't living there yet.

okay so then you need to book an appointment with the solicitor (on your own) explain (they have heard it all before) and they should guide you as to how you can out of this situation.
I think your self esteem must be in the gutter if you are prepared to stick around and put up with this. Your child will not thank you for sticking with him in the long run because he WILL make you unhappy and they will be witness to it all, get out now and start as you mean to go on

Pull out of the sale (if you can, I know zero about buying houses, generation rent here) and get rid of him.

He's a shit.

Ah, just seen your latest post. In that case I would take legal advice about what you can do. Good luck to you.

So essentially he's managed to persuade you that it's your fault he's shagging another woman? What an absolute prince!

Please try and see past the panic and hurt and find your anger. How dare he do this to you?! And at six months pregnant?!

Do not go ahead with the mortgage/move.

Become active, not passive in what happens to you. Sandy's 180 is excellent advice.

Once you've gained perspective on your situation I sincerely hope you realise that this selfish, egotistical turd isn't fit to lick your boots.

Have you got somewhere to live if it came down to it?

Sandy has given you brilliant advice, onward and upward.

If you want to withdraw after missives have been concluded, the seller can take you to court as you will be in breach of contract. This could potentially cost you a lot of money and you may also have to pay the sellers' expenses (this might include paying high interest rates on bridging loans for example). However, if it is impossible for you to do this (for example, because you don't have the money), the seller may ask you to compensate them for the costs of finding another buyer instead. Speak to your solicitor immediately if you're in this position.

I'd go this route, because it's better than what your husband is doing.

I have literally no good advice. I would have to tell him to FUCK OFF and start the divorce. Pregnant or not, house or not. If you don't want I sleep with him because your pregnant do you think you'll bring yourself to do it when he's slept with someone else. I'm genuinely sorry for you op and I'm sorry I can't be more useful! I'm angry on your behalf!

Oh Glago, this is no way to live. He's horrible. He has treated you dreadfully. He is doing exactly what he wants with no care for you or the wellbeing of his baby (because all this cannot be good for it, the stress he is putting on you).

Get some legal advice. If the sale cannot be stopped then the house can be resold. You're not stuck forever, you can get out of this. Speak to your friends and family. Get support. You will get through this, and you will be in a much better place in the future once this toad is gone from your life.

Sandy has given you brilliant advice, onward and upward.

It was found online. I had no idea what a missif was, but though it was probably Scottish law.

Do his parents know about this OP? You need all the support you can get, so let them know what's happening.

Follow up with a solicitor on the house immediately. Definitely better losing some money than being stuck in a mortgage with selfish twatface. If you do have to go through with it, could you get a lodger? Bedroom for you and baby, bedroom to let? At least you are married so he will have to pay for the baby, are you both on the mortgage? I like most of that 180 list, I would sort the birth partner as a priority. And start to think about separating finances. Basically set up your life without him, you are not waiting for him to decide with the attitude he has. He will turn around and find his family moved on without him when really he thought he could keep you because of the mortgage and the baby and also get his rocks off elsewhere.

What a vile little shit he is.

You can't continue with this relationship, op - you'll never be able to trust him again.

See a solicitor, speak to family and friends and get some rl support.

Good luck - you can do this! (flowers)

If I were you my fist would gain momentum and land in his face. Throw him out so he can sleep in the gutter with rats for company.

You've had lots of good advice. Please dont apologise to him for not wanting sex when 6months pregnant. The vast majority of men would be respectful and supportive of your decision. I would add however having a newborn can make you feel even more vunerable. I would suggest a frank coversation with family and get your support in place. He will get a LOT worse. Good luck.

He's vile indeed. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Do seek legal advice re the property . I'd move on ASAP as he's behaviour is beyond horrendous and I wouldn't trust him any more.

It reads like he's found this other girl who he knows will be a bit of fun and wants to essentially "pause" your marriage so he can make the most of that and can't be accused of cheating on his pregnant wife. He's been taking bloody tips from old episodes of Friends fgs- "that wasn't cheating, we were separated!"

The fact that he's proceeded with the house purchase even though he's so "unhappy" speaks volumes. You don't fucking buy a house with someone you don't see a long term future with, do you? He is playing you. I think you need to call his bluff because he's only going to continue to manipulate you and mess with your head as time goes on. He's even starting now, blaming you for putting him in the position where he needs to sate his needs elsewhere. There are plenty of men who have been in this position and manage not to cheat on the mother of their child, and we shouldn't think they're some sort of heros for it. It's the bare minimum!