Do we need to separate

[overandout80]

I've changed my username. I'm trying to work out if I need to separate from my husband.

Firstly we've been together for 15 years. Married for 8 years. We are both English born - he is white and I am Indian.

We have two DD aged 6 & 3.

I have been a SAHM for 4 years.

I start a new job in September. The exact same job I had 4 years except part time.

He is a high flyer in a pressurised job.

I pretty much do everything for our DC. Although he does help at weekends.

Regarding hobbies we have no shared hobbies - we have no one to take care of our DC. I live 120 miles from my family. His family live nearby but have many commitments.

He is from a privileged background. Private education lots of holidays abroad.

I'm very much a second generation immigrant from an indian family. We couldn't afford holidays abroad but would meet family over the holidays and go to local beaches.

My extended family love us and try to do a lot for me and the children. His family try to help us when they can.

We are away on holiday. The DC have not been sleeping well and we haven't either.

Things have to come a head because he feels I constantly criticise him.

Because of my new job I have to leave the DC for 4 days - for training in another city. Which means he'll have to do school runs their hair etc. Stuff he hasn't done. Kids are also in a new routine that week with starting pre-school and new childminder etc.

So I just said to him you'll have to learn how to do plaits for when I'm away as I've only just cleared our 3rd bout of headlice. He just went mental slammed doors - told me I'm constantly berating him. Told me to fuck off. So I've asked him for a separation and he said ok.

By background my father was an alcoholic and he is dead. He died in his 40s. He had me when he was a teen. If he wasn't an alcoholic he would have lived longer.

We have sex only once or twice a month. Mainly instigated by me as he likes to be dominated in bed. So it has to be. I'm exhausted with our sex life being like that. We never make love - it's always me berating him kind of putting him down in bed that turns him on to be put down.

He said all holiday I've been putting him down - maybe I have because I think I dislike him. He's a good father my DC love him but he does snap at them. He doesn't understand them - for example he doesn't know how to calm the toddler down. He doesn't know how to with the toddler if it wakes in the night.

I organise all the finances - although I currently get a fixed amount of money a month from him. If I need more it's sent and whatever I or DC want is paid for. He does go without so we have everything.

We live in a great area with good schools.

I didn't have boyfriends before him. He was my first serious relationship.

We have an unhealthy dynamic. We snap at each other a lot. Sometimes I feel we have little to talk about.

I've started going to the gym and spending time on my own a little more.

I'm anxious about starting work - balancing the kids and all the pick ups and drop offs as he won't be able to do any. He leaves house c.730 and isn't back til 7 every night.

My working hours will be 930-530 3 days a week so I can accommodate the school runs.

I've also organised a childminder to help.

I do ALOT of running around - e.g this holiday I've done all the organising and I'm doing all the cooking. He has bathed the DC and played on the beach today with them.

Sorry this is so long. He makes me sooo angry and I can't put my finger on it. He snaps at me so much. He speaks negatively all the time. His family have a jokey bullying banter all the time I hate it.

I feel distraught at the thought of separation.

He also drinks every night at least 2 cans of Stella.

He said it's the only way he can switch off from work.

Because he does so little around the house/for the kids every second thing is checked with me before it's done.

I'm a big personality a kind of life and soul
Person. He's kind of the opposite but he can party too.

I'm trying to remember what we have in common - we love history, travel, the news, we both like to read. We both did the same degree.

Help us. Please

Sorry that was so long and it's not even the half of it

Have you tried marriage counselling? Or counselling for yourself?

I've had lots of counselling. Over the years I've had CBT - General counselling with Mind and then more recently with a private counsellor that I didn't really click with but she was ok - but tackled surface stuff and she knew that cos she even said I wasn't opening up.

Sometimes I try really hard to be really positive because of my CBT and because I want the kids to have a positive can do attitude - but I'm just snapping and he's snapping. There just seems to be no happiness anymore.

I keep asking myself if I'm being destructive that being the daughter of an alcoholic that only I know how to be in a chaotic family

It doesn't sound like either of you is a terrible person. But it does sound like you've got your issues and probably a lot of stress due to going back into employment.

To be honest, your relationship sounds like there is some hope for it - as much as you're always annoy each other, you seem to do the right thing and there's still a bit of sex life etc. Have you considered counselling? Perhaps therapy could help you feel a bit more positive about each other again. However, if you feel like you hate his guts, then the resentment might have gone too far.

On a minor side point - kids can live without plaits for a few days. Or forever. It's really not that important.

Also he's really submissive around his mother. Even when we are treated unfairly e.g. Our kids have had no time with their GPS this summer hols.

His sister and kids been away with them and now they're off to stay with his brother's kids.

My kids don't get a look in - I mentioned it to MIL myself and she just started crying! So I was like fuck what do I do - I told him what I said and he said well I was right. But then he won't say it to his parents and I look shit.

That's why I keep telling myself don't sweat the small stuff. But the fact I am makes me feel like I'm destroying what we have and now I feel sorry for him being with such a destructive force

He's a proud man - not sure he would consider counselling . I will ask.

You sound to have good insight. Alcoholic parent will affect your views and actions. Maybe see another better counsellor - there is much variance in quality - and just because you have not has the best therapist doesn mean that you should give up on therapy. CBT has its limitations and wouldnt touch the sides of the impact of alcoholic parent and bereavement.

I would invest in your own personal emotional well being first and then look for MC?

Think that you also have a lot on your plate in the next few weeks with the stress of returning to work as well as settling the children into new routines/schools etc. Can you look at a 3 month window - talk to your DH say that you are anxious abut the next few months and you need his emotional support?

I expect we are both very anxious about the coming months. I also expect he's realised what a mammoth task it is looking after the kids and is probably stressed I'm going away.

I'm used to looking after the kids he's not.

So it will be a lot for him.

Our toddler is a really difficult person. I know every child is different and our first was very different at this age.

Yes I think I do need to concentrate on my own MH. He needs to look into his own though - if anything when I'm having counselling I think it exposes his MH needs - I think he needs some counselling. He holds a lot of anger and aggression in side him. He can totally flip at times. Not physically to me - but when he flips and it's rarely it would be like punch a wall or throw a remote which has probably happened once or twice in 15 years.

We are both very tired and I just want a happy holiday.

The more I read about adult children of alcoholics the more I see myself and it frightens me that I've been 'conditioned' in this way due to Dad's alcoholism.

Yes you are right he will need to address issues. His family sound challenging. But only he can do this himself and only you can do what you need for yourself.

If you Dad died so young from alcoholism it must have been pretty extreme.

Do you dislike him or do you dislike that he's in a pressurised job (which may get people to act in strange ways in my opinion). I noticed you mention plaits but surely the simpler pony tail might be "good enough"? Look for what is "good enough". Calming a toddler down isn't that easy so it's probably not something you just know nor is it anything one learned in school. I think the important thing is when you mention "we snap at each other a lot", and you might want to look into other ways of expressing your feelings toward things that he does and what you would like him to do. Maybe you two would be better off if he didn't have such a demanding job, even though that might mean cutting back on your lifestyle a bit. It seems he's developing a bad relationship with alcohol, too, and that's a really bad sign that you both need to pick up on. I'm not English so cannot identify with the jokey bullying banter you mention, though I'm not surprised when you mention it, especially not when you also mention "a priviledged background" but I might have some preconception about that kind of background without having checked it out properly. Where I am all the dad's at the office seem go home at 5 p.m. at the very latest, and even take phone calls from their children during the day. (I work in finance, think: consultancy). It's a totally different attitude where I live. Once I heard my (male, middle-aged) boss say to some family member on the phone: "I'm working late today so I won't be home until 6.30 p.m." and that sort of set the tone. But they haven't jumped onto the treadmill. As for you, you have a lot of common interests. If he worked in a less stressful job, you could have more time to pursue your interests. I sort of mention this everywhere as I'm a big fan, but you might want to look up the book "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) Sep 1, 2015 by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD and Deepak Chopra. I don't think you need to consider separation but you need to work on the relationship, and if you work on it in a serious, friendly and forward-looking way, the effect could be that others feel they might want to change too. Sorry if it seems a bit wordy, but English is not my language; I'm just hanging around on this web board for a bit of fun. I don't think you need to consider counselling, but if you do, you might want to find a really good counsellor that you both like and trust.

He died from a pulmonary embolism but he was unwell because of his alcoholism. It was quite complex and it did turn out he had a congenital issue that was discovered at post-mortem that weakened him and made him susceptible to infection.

Nevertheless if he had lead a healthy life he would never have got as ill as he got.

He drank as much as he could. Whiskey , special brew. My mum worked hard. He was self employed she propped up the business. That left him time to drink. He was very depressed. He often went cold turkey. Around his death he was getting paranoid and hallucinating. I moved away. Our relationship was a secret from my father - I was afraid he would disapprove due to my DH not being Indian.

Thank you @AlphaStation you are very coherent and a lot for us to think about.

He's ambitious. It's part of his family they are all real high fliers. His industry doesn't allow short hours. You service your clients.

I'm not sure he could cut back he's really on the treadmill.

I would say that it'd be best to do couples therapy. It would help heal your relationship better than each of you doing their own thing.

Thanks @JoJoSM2. I would need to convince him of this. You are right. We are so exhausted though. I feel very alone.

Thank you for your help

Thats a very very traumatic situation overandout - lots of escalating stress and many people impacted with a tragic end. An awful impact and a lot for you to process - which you may not have done yet if you moved away.

You will be passing this stress (inadvertently) on to your children if you dont get quality counselling - get someone with experience of your situation. This is always when our own childhood traumas come back to haunt us - when we have children - time to deal with this or it will pollute your life.

Thanks @another20 ! I find it very exhausting and overwhelming to think about.

I am very frightened of the pain I carry.

The stress of that time just eats into me.

Perhaps I am putting that fear into my own relationship and destroying it

Yes you are.

You have suppressed, buried and carried that trauma for a lifetime.

That is exhausting.

It is eating you from the inside out.

It will not go away until you process it with a very experienced counsellor. Research thoroughly a short list of 3 - go see each - and choose who you want to work with. If it doesnt work out - go see another. Dont give up. You migh also find Al anon groups helpful.

Thanks @another20 we've had a bit of an emotional chat.

It was all about me. But we're going to work on taking it easier tomorrow and to be kinder.

I know I have my own issues to tackle

Don't want to muddy the water but it is not just you. He seems to have all the problems associated with 'middle class neglect' from public school, stiff upper lip, repressed background. He's been emotionally abused and needs counselling too. Do you worry your PILs are concerned about your DCs being half Asian? I hope this not the case. Good luck OP

What properjob said.

Be careful that this doesn't become a discussion of 'your' problems. This is a couples problem.

Thanks. Toddler been up again so I've headed to calm down. All seems ok now.

TMI I've got an upset tummy from stress and anxiety of today.

I know he needs help - I don't know how/if I can convince him to get some.

He was very upset today when I asked for a separation and we seem to have gone into a reverse now - and he was all calm and nice this evening. He was also calmer with the kids. E.g. Not snapping when the eldest kept getting up - its hot and a bit noisy here not the child's fault at all but he just snaps to say go back to sleep rather than offer a solution. That always comes down to me.

I expect he has got a lot of the middle class issues? I would need someone to expand on those? The family talk very little amongst themselves - conflict is never dealt with - brushed under the carpet. Whereas my family well we still are the opposite. We still get emotional and talk. We talk about a lot of stuff.

I think my PILS issue - well I don't think there is an issue as such. I generally don't make much of a fuss. The other sibling and SIL make a fuss - plus we live nearby - although they see us less. In their minds I think well box ticked. Definitely no financial mistreatment e.g. My DC get same money spent on them for presents BUT money isn't an issue for them so it's not really a measure.

This was the first time I ever said anything to MIL.