Do we need to separate

[overandout80]

I've changed my username. I'm trying to work out if I need to separate from my husband.

Firstly we've been together for 15 years. Married for 8 years. We are both English born - he is white and I am Indian.

We have two DD aged 6 & 3.

I have been a SAHM for 4 years.

I start a new job in September. The exact same job I had 4 years except part time.

He is a high flyer in a pressurised job.

I pretty much do everything for our DC. Although he does help at weekends.

Regarding hobbies we have no shared hobbies - we have no one to take care of our DC. I live 120 miles from my family. His family live nearby but have many commitments.

He is from a privileged background. Private education lots of holidays abroad.

I'm very much a second generation immigrant from an indian family. We couldn't afford holidays abroad but would meet family over the holidays and go to local beaches.

My extended family love us and try to do a lot for me and the children. His family try to help us when they can.

We are away on holiday. The DC have not been sleeping well and we haven't either.

Things have to come a head because he feels I constantly criticise him.

Because of my new job I have to leave the DC for 4 days - for training in another city. Which means he'll have to do school runs their hair etc. Stuff he hasn't done. Kids are also in a new routine that week with starting pre-school and new childminder etc.

So I just said to him you'll have to learn how to do plaits for when I'm away as I've only just cleared our 3rd bout of headlice. He just went mental slammed doors - told me I'm constantly berating him. Told me to fuck off. So I've asked him for a separation and he said ok.

By background my father was an alcoholic and he is dead. He died in his 40s. He had me when he was a teen. If he wasn't an alcoholic he would have lived longer.

We have sex only once or twice a month. Mainly instigated by me as he likes to be dominated in bed. So it has to be. I'm exhausted with our sex life being like that. We never make love - it's always me berating him kind of putting him down in bed that turns him on to be put down.

He said all holiday I've been putting him down - maybe I have because I think I dislike him. He's a good father my DC love him but he does snap at them. He doesn't understand them - for example he doesn't know how to calm the toddler down. He doesn't know how to with the toddler if it wakes in the night.

I organise all the finances - although I currently get a fixed amount of money a month from him. If I need more it's sent and whatever I or DC want is paid for. He does go without so we have everything.

We live in a great area with good schools.

I didn't have boyfriends before him. He was my first serious relationship.

We have an unhealthy dynamic. We snap at each other a lot. Sometimes I feel we have little to talk about.

I've started going to the gym and spending time on my own a little more.

I'm anxious about starting work - balancing the kids and all the pick ups and drop offs as he won't be able to do any. He leaves house c.730 and isn't back til 7 every night.

My working hours will be 930-530 3 days a week so I can accommodate the school runs.

I've also organised a childminder to help.

I do ALOT of running around - e.g this holiday I've done all the organising and I'm doing all the cooking. He has bathed the DC and played on the beach today with them.

Sorry this is so long. He makes me sooo angry and I can't put my finger on it. He snaps at me so much. He speaks negatively all the time. His family have a jokey bullying banter all the time I hate it.

I feel distraught at the thought of separation.

He also drinks every night at least 2 cans of Stella.

He said it's the only way he can switch off from work.

Because he does so little around the house/for the kids every second thing is checked with me before it's done.

I'm a big personality a kind of life and soul
Person. He's kind of the opposite but he can party too.

I'm trying to remember what we have in common - we love history, travel, the news, we both like to read. We both did the same degree.

Help us. Please

MC issues - might be around "neglect" - this is an absence of proper parenting, communications and proactive emotional input and support rather than obvious proactive abuse/trauma.

Sometimes harder to pin point, for your DH for instance, as there was nothing necessarily visibly, negatively impacting. He wouldnt know what he was missing for instance. Affection, soothing support, listening, sharing issues, problems resolved etc. Looks like he might well have issues as he doesnt seem to have the example/resources to draw on when choosing his own parenting style?

I find he chooses to be distant from his parents. He's a middle child. And well he seems to think he can just get on with life off his own back.

I'm the eldest of 2.

Relate sounds like a good idea.
We do love each other - although we are often angry. Too angry with each other.

He might not 'choose' to be distant from his parents - he might just be distant because the emotional connections were never fully made? Quite classic for upper middle class English families who maybe went to boarding schools were raised by staff? Children were seen and not heard etc? This could well allow emotional neglect - not necessarily intentional.

But there is an emotional connect of sorts.

For example birthdays are very important.

Also in my culture my in-laws effectively become my parents - as in I would call them mum and dad etc. We would do stuff as a family but my MIL spends all her time with DH sister and her kids. We are treated as a separate family rather than the same family.

It's cultural differences I expect I'm struggling with. Also I'm from a working class background!! So I have all that culture too!! So 'stuff' I do is prob just a bit chavvy for his family.

Sometimes my MIL will connect - my FIL is just real stiff upper lip. Unless he's had a gin or two then he's fun. But kind of in a carry on fashion - couple of inappropriate jokes etc

DH will still asks me what time eldest starts school. After 2 years