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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone ever just walk away with kids and nothing else

41 replies

Olderandcolder · 27/08/2017 17:19

I cannot take any more. Have posted under different names about partner. Told him six weeks ago it's over. He won't listen.
I started telling people in real life we were separated. He keeps posting love messages to my social media as though we are still a couple. He doesn't work, I work two jobs to provide for dc.
We have a housing association property, in both names. It's OK but needs a good bit more work. It's in a nice area where we have raised our children for ten years, bit it's an hours commute from my work each way, sometimes longer.
I feel like just signing the tenancy over to him taking the kids and starting over in a new place altogether . Back to te city centre to be close to work, I've me back three hours away. I'd be broke but surely it couldn't be any worse than living with someone who has destroyed our lives.
Looking for stories / inspo from others who have done similar.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 27/08/2017 17:28

My sister did it.

They'd been together for 10 years and we all thought their r'ship was fine and then one day, out of the blue she told me she was leaving him.

Three days later she and the two children came to live with me with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes and some of their toys. The first her partner knew of her leaving was when he came home from work that night and found them gone.

My sister practically had no money and immmedistely started applying for benefits etc.

For 6 months she moved between family members houses whilst she sorted herself and her finances out and then she was able to put down a deposit on a house to rent. Both the children (who were 5 and 8) had to change schools but they adapted so well.

My sister was petrified about just walking away from everything but like you say, she said it couldn't have been worse than the life she was being forced to live and she felt she had no other choice.

Good luck OP, be brave and strong Flowers

Original poster
Olderandcolder · 27/08/2017 17:46

My resolve is good. The practicalities are holding me back

OP posts:
category12 · 27/08/2017 17:50

Look into finding a suitable place to move, get money together, start planning out the practicalities bit by bit.

BackieJerkhart · 27/08/2017 17:52

I would sort a Place to stay first. Do you have any savings you could use to put down a deposit?

Doesntfitthemould · 27/08/2017 17:53

Yes I did , 2 days before xmas with a back pack and my dd who was under 1 at the time. He was at work. He didn't even try to contact me.
I was petrified, it was the best thing I ever did.
We are all strong when we need to be Flowers

ProseccoMamam · 27/08/2017 17:55

Agree with PP

Sort yourself out first, money wise, school for the kids and a place you can move too, also moving can and save money for any furniture you may need. Yes you want leave him but think about the kids and the stability they need first, it's better to move them straight into a new home and have everything in place instead of jumping house to house and them not knowing what's round the corner. Good luck OP, you can do this x

3littlebadgers · 27/08/2017 17:58

Op I didn't see your other threads so I don't know of your situation but it have had two really good friends who did just that. They were in abusive relationships so ended up in women's refuges and had no choice of location. A few years down the line for them both and they have never been happier.

3littlebadgers · 27/08/2017 17:59

Sent send too soon. I just wanted to add good luck to you and your DC.

Original poster
Olderandcolder · 27/08/2017 19:01

I could get the money for a rental within a few weeks. I'm scared I will regret leaving a secure tenancy. I would have to mow to city centre and prices are insane, tenants have little or no rights here. But he won't leave. He holds me in such little esteem that he doesn't takee seriously. All the while spending his unemployment benefits on smoking his brains out whilst I provide everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderandcolder · 27/08/2017 19:01

Move not mow obviously.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 27/08/2017 19:14

I did.

Was married to a horribly abusive man , we had two kids together. I'd tried in vain to talk about how to improve our 'relationship' but he just became nastier and I felt increasingly trapped. It all came to a head when I fell pregnant and had an early miscarriage. I was told it was my fault because I was so negative...and when I was bleeding and in pain he refused to even get me some pain killers from the kitchen.

I phoned women's aid , found legal advice (we had a joint ha property) and decided to take the kids and leave while he was at work. We stayed with a relative for a while until I found work and saved enough to get back on my feet.

That was over a decade ago and I now have a decent job , money in the bank and am happy.

I do not regret leaving at all as I was becoming severely depressed after over a decade of verbal and emotional abuse.

My advice - leave. You only get one life , don't waste another day being unhappy and feeling trapped.

Pm me if you want op. Good luck.

Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 19:23

Me!

I just wrapped dd1 up in a quilt, called a taxi and turned up at my grandmothers in the middle of the night. The argument was really petty compared to the shit that he had done to me but it was the straw the broke the camels back.

Once the adrenaline had worn off it was the most hardest and most liberating thing I'd ever done. I look back and think 'WOW you stayed waaaay too long'

I spent a couple of years in my own sorting my self esteem out - as it was fucked then met DP who put me back together.

What will you see when you look back in five, ten years time op?

Pm if you like

motheroreily · 27/08/2017 19:28

I did. Two years ago, we're now getting divorced and I'm getting some equity but not 50% people tell I'm stupid etc but I just want it all over with. I couldn't get housing benefit or anything because I'm a home owner.

Leaving everything shows how unhappy I was. Now I'm overdrawn and have no money but so much happier.

BitchQueen90 · 27/08/2017 19:35

Yep. Me. I was a SAHM and we were renting a big 3 bed house that I would never have been able to afford on my own. I just took DS and our clothes and went to my mum's house. Stayed there for 2 months, applied for benefits and got a 2 bed flat with a private landlord. This was just over 3 years ago and I now have a job, a happy DS and I am happy too.

Ditsy1980 · 27/08/2017 19:42

I have. I was lucky to have my family's support though and knew they wanted me to leave him.
We were private rented in a town about 3 hours away from home. I handed my notice in at work on 1st December that year, rang estate agents to give them 4 weeks notice that my name was to come off tenancy, saw my GP and got a sick note to cover my notice period, packed a backpack with what I wanted, DD in a carrier on my front and got the train home to my parents. It took about 3 days from deciding to do it to leaving with the sorting out.
I'm 4 years out now. It hasn't been easy but best decision I ever made.

user1494187262 · 27/08/2017 20:55

26 years ago

I left with DS and the clothes I was wearing

Hitrouble · 27/08/2017 21:51

Me. We walked out with the clothes we were wearing and £7. Though it was because of DV

Frith1975 · 28/08/2017 08:39

Yes. I left with my children (then 1 and 4) for a refuge and had nothing.

tomatopuree · 28/08/2017 08:45

I did it with one child. 18 months old. Lived in women's aid for 6 months. Started from scratch.

It wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible.

Hermonie2016 · 28/08/2017 09:10

Could you speak to housing association and see if there are any options first?

Speak with letting agents as often there are long term lets and you would be ideal.Might need a bit of time to get the right place but would be worth it.

Whitelisbon · 28/08/2017 09:42

Me. 10 years ago. Walked out with the kids and the clothes we were wearing.
It wasn't planned, I managed to scrape enough money together to get 1/2 way to my mum's house, dad came and got me from there.
That was 10 years ago, kids are now 14 and 11, they remember nothing about our life before.
I'm glad I did it, although I wish I had planned it slightly, we lost everything, although exp had the decency to send on the kids favourite teddies, we had nothing else. I lost all of their baby photos, special toys, artwork that dd had made at nursery, everything. But, we were much happier, and, I knew that once I'd made the decision to go, I just had to go or I would never have left.

SleepFreeZone · 28/08/2017 11:47

OP I know you said the secure tenancy is in both names but surely the house is really there to provide security for the children. Isn't there a way to get him off the tenancy or would he be classed as the main care giver if he stays at home and you work?

Mrsjohnmurphy · 28/08/2017 11:55

I did, 3 kids suitcase national express to home town. I had told him many times that I wanted to end it, his response was to take all of his annual leave at once and basically not leave me alone for a second. When he threw my computer in the garden at 3am I snapped. No more, could not stand it anymore.

Unfortunately he is still in my life, but his nice/nasty crap has no effect anymore, I simply couldn't give a shite.

I did end up in a refuge for a few weeks and I hate where I live, but what can you do. At least I'm not observed and smothered constantly

whatisgoingon1 · 28/08/2017 12:06

You should not move out and jeopardise children's housing security.He should move out.You need to contact solicitor for house occupation order,it will go through small claims court and you will be granted it.Then he will have to leave.

Original poster
Olderandcolder · 28/08/2017 13:31

He is at home but he's not their care giver. He can barely get them to school. I have to do their homework, cook dinner etc after I come in from work. He does literally nothing. Won't even set an alarm. I have to call dcs on their mobiles to get them up for school as I leave for work early.

OP posts:
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