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Original poster

What would you do/say..

31 replies

Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 14:15

If your partner, who you loved, told you that they loved you but didn't find you attractive anymore because of the weight you'd put on. (Was already three stone over weight and added on another two) they also said they needed you to lose weight as they didn't want the spark to go out. Also insinuated they might leave in a few years if you carried on getting bigger

Sad
OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 27/08/2017 14:20

Ouch FlowersSad

I'm so sorry. Will he support you wholeheartedly in losing the weight, if that's possible?

Argeles · 27/08/2017 14:26

I would feel devastated and humiliated. Those really hurtful comments would also make me very miserable, and I would comfort eat because that's what I do when I feel miserable.

I am so sorry to hear about these nasty comments.

Before the comments, did you feel happy and comfortable in yourself? Have you been trying to lose any weight, and if so, did your partner seem supportive?

I think you need to really reflect on how happy you have been about yourself, and only do things when you are ready/comfortable. You should not feel propositioned/forced/under fear to do anything.

Is your relationship usually positive and happy?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2017 14:48

That would be really hard to hear, but if I'm honest, I would feel the same about my husband if he were 5 stone overweight. I would find it very hard to be intimate with him, and I don't think there's any shame in feeling that way. Physical attraction is very important in a relationship, and if you don't find obesity attractive, it's going to affect the relationship. I also think that there are several other issues stemming from a partner's excessive weight gain that come into play.

TheStoic · 27/08/2017 14:54

I'd be terribly upset...but I'd feel the same as your partner if things were reversed.

But as I hate hurting people's feelings, I would leave the relationship before I ever said that to someone. Not a particularly healthy response, maybe.

If the options were that your partner said that to you and you had the chance to act on it, OR your partner left, which would you prefer?

Original poster
Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 14:54

It was me that actually said it to him (after I posted thread) minus the not attracted to him part (as I couldnt say it ) It's took a long time for me to build up the courage but his weight is having a negative effect on our relationship.

He ate two pasties, tomatoe soup and a bottle of coke for his lunch. He is in complete denial about his weight. Thinks the xx large jackets he just tried on didn't fit because his arms are too big - it's not it's just because he is fat.

Is it really ok to change yourself physically so much people don't recognise you at the shops and then expect your partner to still want to jump on you in bed?

This weekend is the first time I've actually really looked at him and thought 'what have you done?'

I've supported him these last two years in trying to eat healthy - cooking him lunch and even driving it to his work and making healthy meals in the evening.

If he was boozing or taking drugs people would be telling me to take a hard line but because it's weight I know I'm going to get shot down

OP posts:
JK1773 · 27/08/2017 14:56

It must be very hard to hear. However he is probably worried about you and about your marriage. Take that as a positive if you can. Could he help you with a healthier lifestyle maybe Flowers

TheStoic · 27/08/2017 14:57

How did he respond?

JK1773 · 27/08/2017 14:58

Sorry x posted

Brahms3rdracket · 27/08/2017 15:02

I think you said exactly what you needed to say and he needs to hear it, as upsetting as it is. I would feel exactly like you, particularly after helping him start a healthier diet. He needs a kick to get him exercising.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2017 15:07

You won't get shot down by me. Your husband needs a reality check. He's killing himself slowly with food. Also, the lack of self-control and seemingly no concern for his own health would be a huge turn off.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/08/2017 15:15

Goodness me, I wonder why I (and others) jumped to the conclusion that it was you who had put the weight on?!

If you don't fancy him, you don't fancy him. You're watching him eat himself fat and unhealthy so I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable.

Yes, how did he respond?

NurseButtercup · 27/08/2017 15:16

I think you should tell him again how you feel.

My exbf told me that his exw told him the same thing. He gained about 5 stone during their marriage, on top of already being overweight. He didn't take her seriously until she left him and divorced him. He then lost weight after his divorce. He met me when he was 7 stone lighter. He did however gain 2 stone when we were dating and he blamed me for his happy eating Confused

Original poster
Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 15:19

It is Aqua I'm really struggling today.

He sent me a pic of himself yesterday and it's like I'm really seeing him.

He has been putting on a stone every year, losing half and keeping half on.

I said to him a while ago he doesn't look like the man I met and we both were upset. He promised he would change but he doesn't. Caught him coming out the cake shop with a big box of cakes for him and his staff this week and it's all a big joke.

It's really upsetting me as I can't break my family up because he has got obese but the other part of me thinks how do you expect me to fancy you?

We're about to enter something financial and I think that's why I've gone in to panic mode as it will tie me to him for a long time.

Hand on heart though I don't want to split up.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/08/2017 15:23

would he qualify for Surgery OP... he may need surgical help if he has an addiction to food x

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2017 15:23

Do you think he would go to couples therapy? Also, I think it's time to remove the kid gloves and tell him EXACTLY how you feel about his weight. It's not just a matter of being attracted to him, he is telling you that the future of your family isn't his main concern. He is treating his body like a dumpster and YOU will be the one to have to deal with the consequences when he gets ill or does from obesity.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2017 15:23

*dies

ThatsYouThatIs · 27/08/2017 15:25

I feel like this about my DH. He is now around 8 stone overweight and doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. It's affecting his daily life from a health point of view and stops him doing anything active with me and DCs.

I'm overweight myself (although not to the same degree anymore) and feel really bad for how I feel but I can't pretend to find him attractive anymore Sad

I'm now at the point where I'm seriously thinking about ending our marriage as I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with someone I don't fancy or want to have sex with. It's not fair on DH either as he deserves someone who loves him for who he is now, not who he was 10+ years ago.

Original poster
Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 15:33

gemini it's something he has looked at but not keen as it's invasive.

I think he's in a bit of denial about his weight. He is tall with very muscley legs so he used to get away with the extra weight but it's gone all in his stomach now and round his neck and face looks bloated.

Trying on xxl jackets this afternoon he was convinced they didn't fit because of his arms. His arms are not big he is just fat.

aqua I've talked about how he has a responsibility to our kids to keep himself alive. I've never actually said 'I don't find you attractive' but I think he knows.. he tries to make me feel guilty about it sometimes

thatsyou that's exactly the situation I'm scared for Sad

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2017 16:16

He's trying to make you feel guilty about it? I'd guess that's to deflect the negative feelings from himself. Like it's your problem not his.

As someone who got fat and was in denial about it (I'll do something about it next week) I know how easy it is to keep just getting bigger abs bigger. The problem is that, until the lightbulb goes off in his head, nothing you say or do will make any difference I don't think Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2017 16:44

As for him trying to make you feel guilty, I wouldn't tolerate that bullshit for one minute. I would tell him flat out that the only one to blame is the guy he sees in the mirror, and it's his lack of self-control that's brought him to where he is. Would he find you sexually attractive if you gained 5 stone? I doubt it.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 27/08/2017 16:53

If you don't want to leave him then you need to get into military logistics mode! Tell him that you're not prepared to watch him kill himself and get him organised. Could you get some of those scales that show fat and muscle percentage? If he sees that his visceral fat (the really bad fat that's around the heart and other organs) is x percent over the healthy range then it might make it real for him. Get a good set that shows all of the areas of the body. This means that if he can't see the weight shifting in the mirror it will show on the scales in the percentage shifts.

Get into walking for fitness. You could do this together. Download a free running app and it will show you the route you've done, distance, speed etc. Don't bite off too much in the beginning. Just build it up but try and walk every day. You can find plenty of walking for fitness plans online.

However you choose to do it you need to get him to use more energy than he eats and drinks. The average man needs around 2,500 calories a day. Maybe start by seeing if he'll agree to keeping a food diary of everything he eats and drinks without making changes. No cheating! He might be really shocked when he sees the calories he's consuming and realise he needs to make changes. Take what he eats and drinks and see if you can make 'painless' substitutes to reduce total calorie consumption and then he needs to find some willpower for the last bit.

On the willpower front hypnotherapy can be very successful for food addiction / over eating. Maybe google that.

I've tried to think of ideas that he might buy into rather than getting him to a slimming class! What matters is that you suggest a weight loss regime he can sustain so I'd avoid low calorie diets that cut out everything he loves and I'd avoid high impact gruelling exercise routines too. If he loses weight slowly through lifestyle and dietary changes that can last he's more likely to keep it off.

Hope something I've said appeals. I'm not qualified in diet or fitness but it is something I'm very interested in. Mr Google has so much info out there too.

Good luck!

CatsMother66 · 27/08/2017 17:15

My husband is about 5 stone over weight and it does put me off. It's not just the physical look either. If he's content to be that big and continue getting bigger, then his values may have changed and he is not the person you married all those years ago. My exh died in his 40's because of his weight. He was always big but ballooned after we separated. Maybe a doctor's appointment and the doctor telling your H some home truths would help.
I'm about to make a better effort in healthy eating, following SW and I know he will drop the weight, he has in the past. It has to be me though that plans it! I know that he will be chuffed to loose it. I also have to initiate walks/cycle trips but he enjoys them when we are out.
My husband and his siblings were sent away to separate boarding schools and were never home much. It seems that they all found comfort in their food at school and this has continued to this present day.
You sound very supportive towards him, but I wonder whether he has issues with food that need to be addressed first. x

NotQuiteJustYet · 27/08/2017 17:18

In all honesty, as the one with the weight problem in my marriage, if my DH were to say something like this to me it would be absolutely crushing and push me further into the depression caused by how I feel about myself. I'm overweight because I comfort eat when I'm depressed.

I would much prefer to have this position to me as a 'let's make some changes together' type scenario, which saw us making healthier choices as a couple. This has worked for me in the past and I lost almost 5st in 6 months by making better choices when it came to carbs and sugar (I've put a bit back on now because I'm pregnant).

notanurse2017 · 27/08/2017 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 17:41

notquite I've done the lets do this together, most of the time I'm encouraging him I do it with him.

cats gp already had a go at him as his hip is bad due to his weight. When he came back he was all fired up but it tapered off. He lost a stone once on SW and he was buzzing with it but it came back.

His view is that he eats healthy in work e.g.. jacket potato cheese and beans or a chicken and chorizo panini, he just won't accept it that those are very caloric. He will buy a large bottle of apple juice and drink it in one sitting.

I do think he has issues with food, he is very much an emotional eater. His business is very stressful and he will go till 3pm with out getting a break for lunch so when he finally goes he can't help himself.

His mother is anorexic -his family just think she is thin but she prides her self in eating one roast potato if she has been busy. I remember her remarking how much I'd eaten of something (insinuating I was greedy) and dp laughing. I was fuming when she left and pointed out to him I was the only person in the room that didn't have an eating disorder. She is very much - men should have huge dinners and ladies served last and basically the left overs Hmm

He was just stood looking through the window and remarked that a neighbour had piled weight on Shock

Aqua your right and that's something I've kind of touched on

been I'm going to get a body mass and water scale

OP posts:
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