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Original poster

Have any of you left a long marriage because all the accumulated resentment and baggage means you can no longer stay?

49 replies

Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 13:13

Just posting for responses - Am about to leave DH of 25 years as everything that has gone before - mainly selfishness, no sex life, distant and not connected - is outweighing anything we have. We get along okish, but there is no real love, no passion and we are really like housemates that irritate each other a lot Sad But I'm in my late forties and a bit terrified of being on my own. DD has left home now and I have come to the conclusion that I am not looking forward to staying with him - just the two of us. Have any of you made the jump and regretted it? Or felt that it was the best thing they did? I can't help feeling that I deserve more affection and love - I've tried to tell him but he doesn't want to talk about 'all that stuff'.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 27/08/2017 13:27

I am at the beginning of the journey just like you, but I'm in my late fifties! We've been together for almost 30 years, and I had a blinding revelation a few weeks ago when I realised that if I live as long as my mother, I've got another 30 years to go! I'm only halfway through this disappointing marriage... Sad

I've told him and the dc, now we need to sort out finances etc. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'd got to the stage where my heart would sink when I heard his car in the drive and it's just not right or fair to continue like this.

Good luck.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 13:48

Cambionome Thanks so much for replying. You sound very similar to me in fact even down to the part where my heart sinks when I hear his car in the drive. He was never connected to DD much and she said that if I met someone lovely now - I might have 20 or 30 years with some love and affection! I read the book 'Too Good to Leave - too bad to Stay' a little while ago and it really resonated with me. So much of it made sense - but I think it is still a battle that when you're settled and have put up with it for so long - it is easier just to carry on. I have this whole argument going around in my head so much. I've just got to be brave and make the jump (I've already made arrangements). He is completely mystified by all this which really goes to show that he can carry on forever in his own little world as long as I don't bother him too much. It's funny that more and more of my friends are feeling this way. Just when the DC have left and you should be able to relax and enjoy time together - you realise that you have been putting up with just rubbing along for years ....

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/08/2017 14:20

Yep I'm nearly 50 and jumped recently - I feel fantastic and free,.very happy now.

Crispsheets · 27/08/2017 14:21

I'm in my fifties and did it. It's scary but empowering

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 14:31

Really? Smile More details please !! Do you ever feel lonely - I KNOW that you can feel more lonely in a bad marriage than actually being alone - I think that is what is worrying me the most. I can't get a pet as new place is too near the road - am having to leave my cats although I can come back and visit them. It's just the thought of no DD, no pets and no (DH) even if it is difficult to be with him. I'm lucky that I've got friends and a great job. It still doesn't stop me from feeling queasy about making the jump.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 27/08/2017 14:45

Im a bit younger than you but left an emotionally abusive relationship after 21 years. Haven't looked back.

My mum also left my dad this year. It's incredibly sad at 67, after 44 years. But she bumbled along for years, felt trapped and he can at times be a bit of an asshole ( as much as I adore him he likes a drink and can be not nice).

They married young after three months of dating. My mum had a daughter from a previous relationship. He said he'd take her on as his own, his immature 19 year old self couldn't handle it. So my grandparents brought up my half sister. He couldn't get passed the fact she had a child with someone else an was consumed with jealousy, she obviously is full of resentment. Whilst they had happy times and three kids together, it was almost doomed from the start.

They are amicable And my mum has a good relationship with my half sister as do I. I love her like all my siblings. It was always an elephant in the room for my dad.

He seems very happy now, like a weight has been lifted. My mums a bit fragile but they just left her dream home, and moved house and she's exhausted. I just hope they both find peace. Good luck.

Cambionome · 27/08/2017 14:47

Have you already found another property, op? I'm not at that stage yet but it will probably have to happen sooner or later.

It's a bit easier for me, perhaps, because one of my dc will be moving to his own rental property (already decided before I told them about the split) and the other will be staying with me - for a while at least. I'm not so worried about feeling lonely - famous last words - but more worried about the financial side of things.

I've spent months and months going over things in my head, but now I've finally decided everything seems easier somehow.

Keep going, keep posting... it helps me as well to know that others are going through the same thing!

Good luck.

Cambionome · 27/08/2017 14:49

Wow Pudding - your mum was very brave to do that. Kudos to her.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/08/2017 14:50

Lonely? No not now he's gone Grin

oldfatandtired1 · 27/08/2017 14:52

My ex of 25 years actually saved me the bother by leaving me for his (much younger) PA. We didn't even get on at the end but - although I'd long wanted to leave I was too scared. Mainly financial reasons but they turned out to be ungrounded, I got a brilliant, court ordered settlement that allowed me to buy outright a beautiful little cottage. I am often alone - kids moved out and doing their own things - but never lonely. Like you say, much worse to be lonely in a bad marriage than alone.

I've done a lot of things I've long wanted to do that ex wasn't interested in. And although I wasn't looking now have a new boyfriend (if that's what you call a 52 year old divorced dad of 3!). We don't live together and won't as I value my independence too much.

The ex? The girlfriend left him and he's now, according to the kids, a sad and lonely man . . .

HighlyCompetentExWife · 27/08/2017 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Harvestmoonsobig · 27/08/2017 14:59

In my 50s, one year on. Year has been a shit storm and not really settled yet. I have my own home in a lovely area.

I AM REALLY HAPPY.

I really enjoy my own company and my friends have been brilliant.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 15:02

Thanks for the replies. I have got a little property lined up. I do mostly work from home though which is one of the things that worries me. But on the other hand I'm really excited at the thought of decorating it myself and not having the endless arguments whenever I wanted to change/or replace stuff. Having my own bedroom and I can have the window open if I want. Not having to cook properly every night - just have egg on toast Smile. Not having the 'going out' discussion of :-

[me] 'shall we go out for a meal or something?'
[him] 'not bothered really'
[me] 'we could meet up with some friends'
[him] 'Nothing to stop you going on your own ...

So we don't go. I do see my friends by myself, but I feel that I spend more and more time on my own. I have also posted before about the fact that we have absolutely no love life - not for years. He just stopped and can't be bothered to do anything about it. That has done wonders for my self esteem over the years Sad

Endless compromising. Endless arranging - his ill Mother, any trips, stuff in the house... etc. It is like he checked out completely just after DD was born - I don't know why I have put up with it for so long and I think some of my angst is at myself FOR putting up with it for so long!

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 27/08/2017 15:04

I've recently separated from my h after almost thirty years. It's the best thing I have ever done I think. I feel at peace and liberated. As the children left I felt more and more unhappy and the prospect of it being him and me and ds with ASD filled me with dread. Life is so much easier without having a mansize toddler living with me. I am civil for the dc's sake but my preference would be to never lay eyes on him again if I'm honest.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 15:23

fleshmarketclose I think you have hit the nail on head for me there. YY to the cajoling and asking for simple things that my DH sees as being nagging (or even worse - my hormones, with a knowing lift of his eyebrows) It is like having an overgrown toddler. He drinks and smokes as well and is so unhealthy and unmotivated.
I am looking forward to the peace of mind most of all. Getting off the merrygoround in my head of 'you have to leave, no don't yet, it's not that bad, yes it is you can't carry on ..) like a loop Sad

I think sometimes we stay when we shouldn't because it is so bloody sad that you can look at someone after all those years (we were together for a while before we got married) and there is nothing - so you keep trying because, surely, that can't be IT? Can it? But sadly it is and you have to be brave and not just settle for the emptiness. Make it your own choice of how you live and not let someone choose to make you live a little life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 15:32

It took me so long to type that out that I didn't see the other replies! Pudding your poor mum, but really brave, you sound lovely and must be such a comfort.

It's really helping me to read all of your replies. So positive Grin

I think that even if some things are difficult for me, I can't be unhappier than I am now.

oldfatandtired love the nn Smile - I think my DH is a sad and lonely old man - even with me living here with him ...

OP posts:
pudding21 · 27/08/2017 16:22

Frenchlady: I have a great relationship with both of them, however it was always there that they maybe were better apart. My dad built a great life for mum in a lot of ways. She came from poverty and he became very successful with her support. She's a wonderful mum. It she has a lot of resentment for getting almost trapped into marrying him on the presence she could care for her daughter and they'd be a family. My dad isn't cluldnt deal with it and they went on to use three kids together. One of the turning points in my relationship was her saying to me not to waste another twenty years like me hoping it would get better.
I actually think when all the dust settled they'll both be happier and they will be friends. I live overseas and they will visit together but live apart when in the uk. Bit of a strange set up but easentially all try desreve is peace and happiness apart or together. Not nice seeing your parents split up at any age but it's the right thing to do.

pudding21 · 27/08/2017 16:24

Sorry about the typos! Damn phone!

Imnotaslimjim · 27/08/2017 16:33

I'm 36 been married for 16 years and have 2 wonderful dc. I've Just asked for a divorce and I'm moving back to my mum's house. STBEXH is a serious boarder, shows me no affection and is argumentative with me and the dc. I am done making excuses for him and certainly can't face another 40-50 years living like this. I deserve to be happy.

Imnotaslimjim · 27/08/2017 16:33

Hoarder not boarder silly autocorrect!

IrritatedUser1960 · 27/08/2017 16:37

I think that's why most long marriages end.
I'm in my 50's and mine just ended for pretty much those reasons, I'm very happy indeed on my own.
It's much better.
However, only do it if you like living on your own, you might not find anyone else you like - always consider that possibility. If you still want to go ahead then do it.
He will probably be horrified, it sounds as though he has become super complacent over the years.

IrritatedUser1960 · 27/08/2017 16:40

I think that's why most long marriages end.
I'm in my 50's and mine just ended for pretty much those reasons, I'm very happy indeed on my own.
It's much better.
However, only do it if you like living on your own, you might not find anyone else you like - always consider that possibility. If you still want to go ahead then do it.
He will probably be horrified, it sounds as though he has become super complacent over the years.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 27/08/2017 16:46

irritateduser1960 It's funny but although I would like to find someone eventually, It's really not that important. I just want to get some peace from the 'leave him/don't leave him debate in my head. I will also never, ever want to have another relationship where I have to cook, iron and do the "wimmins" stuff that I've done all these years. I think I was one of last of the generations where we were expected to do all of that - setting ourselves up for years of domestic drudgery while they went to work and down the pub Angry My DD is amazed and horrified at our relationship and would not settle for anything so unequal. As for being lonely - that is something I'll have to face and the main reason for my post - I'm not sure I'll like living on my own but between a rock and a hard place - there is a shifting towards the hard place in my head IYSWIM

OP posts:
ImDoingLaundry · 27/08/2017 17:05

Not me, but my parents. DM left DDad after 27 years, she waited until my DB and I had left home. Honestly, I wish they'd split long before then.
They slept in separate bedrooms for years, resented each other and wound each other up to no end. At best, they got along but I felt unhappy knowing they were both so miserable with each other.

They separated 6 years ago and it was the best thing for them. Dad is living with a wonderful woman, they have a lot in common and seem genuinely happy. Mum is single at the moment, but has had a couple of relationships. She hasn't found the right man for her yet, but she's very happy.

Mum and dad are friendly. Financially they're still tied, they own two houses together (my nan lives in one and the other is up for sale) and it's a very small village, so they see each other fairly regularly.

Being lonely is not as bad as being in an unhappy relationship. I hope it all works out for you Frenchlady Flowers

Harvestmoonsobig · 27/08/2017 17:09

Lonely not the same as being 'all one'.

BTW : egg on toast great meal!