Have any of you left a long marriage because all the accumulated resentment and baggage means you can no longer stay?

[Frenchlady14]

Just posting for responses - Am about to leave DH of 25 years as everything that has gone before - mainly selfishness, no sex life, distant and not connected - is outweighing anything we have. We get along okish, but there is no real love, no passion and we are really like housemates that irritate each other a lot But I'm in my late forties and a bit terrified of being on my own. DD has left home now and I have come to the conclusion that I am not looking forward to staying with him - just the two of us. Have any of you made the jump and regretted it? Or felt that it was the best thing they did? I can't help feeling that I deserve more affection and love - I've tried to tell him but he doesn't want to talk about 'all that stuff'.

Good luck frenchlady. You are doing the right thing - even if it is scary. Sure you will feel lonely from time to time but you will have complete autonomy to do something about it.You can't overestimate the way the deadweight of a mooch has affected your being. I'm single now at 56 - my story is different - though towards the end before the shit hit the fan (affair) I was aware it was dying and I was beginning to question the reality of another 10/20 years together - however my partner was never a mooch - I'll say that for him.

I'm just not sure we are made to stay with someone a lifetime. Unless both partners are working to feed the relationship - it will die. A lot of men seem to be clueless about this and turn into great big baby maggots while their missus does everything. They are often not even insightful enough to ask themselves why they are depressed (and they are). Good to hear all these post LTR women embracing freedom. Problem is does this mean all the older single men out there are discarded mooches??

I have no intention of ever having another man in my life tbh. I definitely feel as though I have been there, done that and never want to do it again. I am very happy with my own company though and h has most definitely put me off men for life I suspect particularly as the man I married was nothing like the man he turned out to be.

Hi Op, I've just started the process of divorce. But it's all very bitter and acrimonious at the moment, I very much hope it all calms down for all our sakes.
Been with my DH for 28 years. But he's an emotional abuser and very controlling. A big bully.
I've struggled over the years wondering if it was me, more recent years he'd say I was depressed and that's why I was 'behaving' as I did. Every time I told him I;d had enough, he'd start being nice and pull me back in. But this time it's all gone too far. Too much has gone wrong to recover now, but I'm glad it has as I can finally get away from him. He's obviously making it difficult. In fact I believe he's out with his new victim tonight. The poor woman doesn't;t know what she's letting herself in for. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm worried about being on my own, yes I'm concerned about money. But I reached a point where I'd rather be without that what I was with. Good luck on your journey.

Sounds like my marriage - the only difference was the ExH admitted to being as miserable as I was so splitting up was a joint decision. Yes its hard adjusting to being on your own - the hardest bit for me was being the only one to do ALL the household stuff! I had the older teenage children living with me so extra pressure but I can honestly say that two years down the line I'm as happy now as I ever have been.

Still friendly with Ex and he helps with dogs. But now have a new boyfriend who I see 2-3 times a week and its great . Would still like more of a social life but thats next on my list

Good luck OP - remember you are stronger than you think and if you learn to enjoy your own company you will never be lonely

Divorced 2 months ago after 45 yrs so I’m still new to this divorce thing
so finding my feet but so far so good. My only regret so far is not doing it sooner, much sooner tbh.
Like pp have said, there was no affection, no loving gestures, not even any kindness from exh for the past 25yrs or so and he had the cheek to say he thought I was happy when I told him I wanted a divorce.
He’s refused to talk about why he cut me adrift and wouldn’t even be my friend all those years ago.

Now we’re both in failing health but I couldn’t face the rest of my life
carrying on being a skivvy and Polyanna for him. I’ve always done all the chores but he started not even wiping up his own drink spills which made me realise the complete contempt for me he had to have to do that.
I’m doing ok, it’s the 1st time I’ve lived alone and been my own woman.
I’m reorganising the house and enjoying doing it, I’m doing things for me for the 1st time in my life witch feels really odd and selfish but I’m going to persevere until I bloody well get used to it.

Thanks everyone for your replies highlycompetentexwife Yes - I am looking forward to creating my own space in my new (little) house. It will be so nice not to have to compromise or have a battle for every tiny thing ... I don't think we realise how down we get with these men - my husband likes to look baffled by me as if all of this is in my head. Of course there is a lot more back story but he just says he can't remember and is completely at a loss as to where I'm coming from. Then he is more attentive for a little while - but it's all so insincere and I can almost hear the 'keep the little wifey happy' mantra in his head. He doesn't realise how small and depressed his life has become - maybe they don't notice? I've got brilliant friends and can at last tell them to pop in anytime - if this happens now H looks at them like they come from another planet and doesn't make any effort.

You all sound really positive - I know it's not easy and there will be obstacles and once I get rid of this horrible feeling in my stomach - I think I will start to look forward to going.

That sounds so much like my life, op - especially the friends thing, and not having to compromise (with a very inflexible person) over every tiny thing.

Keep going!

My parents' marriage is like this. Been married over 40 years and even though they're both now retired, my mother looks after all of the housework and cooking. He's argumentative and petty. Every year, she has to spend about a month cajoling him into booking a holiday and they have no social life whatsoever. Well, he does. She doesn't.

I honestly believed that all marriages ended up like this until I met DP's parents. They've been married the same amount of time, give or take, but are very much a team and tackle the world together.

My biggest fear is ending up in a marriage like my own parents'.

I think you’ll be fine, OP, if you’re like me you’ll realise that the tension
of waiting for the other shoe to drop has lessened. That there’s still
a good deal of life worth living without that unspoken dead weight holding you back.

I’ve never read a convincing explanation yet about why some men just
withdraw from their partners. In my case he just very coldly stopped all
affection, physical touching, hugs and hand holds etc as well as intimacy.

He went completely cold and distant. He’s just brushed aside
any questions I’ve asked him about it - his replies are he, ‘can’t remember,’ or ‘no I didn’t.’ It’s pointless trying to get anywhere with him, he closed down and that was that. I used to think he was having some kind of sulk (he’s got form for sulking) and he’s turn back in to the man he used to be - the years slipped by while I was waiting and nothing changed.

Looking back only he knew his intentions were to keep the behaviour up indefinitely and I feel he robbed me of some of the best years of my life. It’s cowardly, callous and beyond selfish to treat another human being so cruelly.
I honestly think he was waiting for somebody else to come along - I wish they had now.

Even now I still can’t get out of the habit of being concerned for him, he stayed here when he was ill recently while I waited on him hand foot and finger. I check he’s eating ok etc. I just can’t comprehend how you turn off caring about someone like he has. I wish I could do it, it would make my life so much easier.

Lilyswamp It sounds like you have exactly the same relationship as me!

I don't understand how they can just shut down like that either - I spend so much time trying to 'talk' him into stuff - it's exhausting and doesn't work as it's not that they do it, but that you want them to want to do it otherwise its a hollow victory really.

Its got to the point where nothing is fun or loving and he can spoil things instantly with his attitude. If it doesn't involve sitting in the local bar or garden drinking and smoking - he doesn't want to do it. We did nothing for our 25th wedding and he said I should have told him I wanted to do something (I did, he said that he would 'get his head around it') and we did nothing. I told him that one of my friends went away with her husband and he said 'poor bastard' It says it all really - why have I stayed for so long, I feel really down about it as I'm angry with myself.

I think we do hope that they become the man we fell in love with again. But it takes a lot to realise that isn't going to happen and walk away.

I've got about another month before I leave - he is being really friendly as he thinks I'll change my mind (I can't anyway as house is all sorted out) I've changed my mind so many times before - but not this time !!

It takes guts to admit you start off with a 'do anything for you guy' and end up with victor meldrew , it seems funny on TV, in real life it's wearing.

Reading this with tears of admiration and recognition in my eyes.

I wish to all that's holy I could join you.

My heart is a bit broken, thinking back to when I told my DF that I was expecting, after a big gap between dc1. He was v upset. And I was v upset that he was upset because Dc2 was planned. But DF had seen the writing on the walls and was raging that I had set my Get Out clock back by 7 years. I can never tell him that I know this know, and my dc2 is a total joy of a child.

But there's no out for me. I'm living in dead marriage, and it is soul destroying. I had a relationship for a year that brought me great joy but he ended it recently because he couldn't see it going anywhere.

Tbh, if it wasnt for my kids.... but then again, I'm here for my kids. Yet I can't bear to be at home.
I could write a book about the death of thousand cuts marriage. Yet he's not a bad or unkind guy. Doesn't drink much, doesn't smoke, doesn't even go out really.

Things are pretty bad right now tbh.

But I know they will pick up.

Victor Meldrew sums up my DH too, yetmore but without the humour! Thanks to the OP for starting this thread and for sharing what she's going through.

Many of the comments on here resonate with me, right down to the "going out" conversations and the holiday/anniversary discussions.

Thank goodness the bank holiday weekend is over and I'll be back at work today!

Marking thread to post later

It takes guts to admit you start off with a 'do anything for you guy' and end up with victor meldrew , it seems funny on TV, in real life it's wearing

This ^

Molly

You only need to give your own self permission to leave this marriage and you still have a choice here re him. Currently at least you are choosing to stay with him. You are wrong here; there is an out for you. Its only too late when you are yourself dead.

Hope (of change and that is very powerful), the fear of being lonely and fear of the unknown amongst other reasons often keep women and men within marriages that have long since past their sell by date. My friend's only regret was to have not left her marriage far earlier than she did; she also stayed because of hope of him changing and fear of the unknown.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of your own does your husband meet?. Something keeps you within this and it must not be these children. They must not be used as glue to simply bind you and he together.

The late Robin Williams once wrote this, "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. Its not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone".

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?.

Staying for the children is not a good idea because you end up teaching them that your marriage was based on a lie. Its a terrible burden to place upon them. Would you want them to have a marriage like yours is; of course not but you're showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you on some level. A loveless marriage could become their "norm" too. If you think your children do not notice that something is amiss at home (for instance because you do not raise your voice or argue in front of them) then you are in denial of the effects his has on them. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and what did yours teach you?.

Molly - the 'death by a thousand cuts' - so true it's the same for me, with, I'm sorry to say at least five large unhealed swipes of cruelty and utter thoughtlessness that if I knew they were coming I wouldn't have stayed for them, but when they happened, fear of the future (away from family - young DD) and I ashamed to say love, kept me with him and they got buried but never healed as I was always told to 'move on' and now of course he barely remembers them.

Those, together with all the myriad things have left an unbalance so huge that I feel I am carrying it personally. I have a constant knot in my stomach and when my DD left I thought I was going to have a panic attack at the airport. I don't think I've ever felt so low - I stupidly watched that Isolation experiment last night which has done no good at all.

Thank you all so much for replying - each and every one of you is helping me and I really feel for those of you that are still stuck for a while. I read something so simple and poignant that kick-started this process for me - like a revelation in lights in my mind ..

'If you are unhappy - move. You are not a tree'

No, I'm not a tree, although I have roots - I can leave them and not die.

to all of you lovely strong women

Please keep posting.

Attila very wise words from you as always (I'm a long-served MNetter)

Interesting thread to read .
I am married 24 years - one DS still at home and thinking ahead to when all DC are gone I am really not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with the grumpy man my DH has become .
He hopes to retire at 60 and part of me is already dreading it when I really should be looking forward to it .
I hope that he chills out once the stresses of work are gone , if not he will be a lonely grumpy old man ..

So glad I found this thread....

I understand the realisation that omg I have been with him nearly 30 years do I want more of the same or a new chapter. Going through this now!

So many of our views are now poles apart... political , environmental, materialistic ......

I would be content in a small house in the country - village,
The physical attraction too has gone.....
He will never go out without me, and follows me like a lost lamb. Though I go out on my own.

The annoyance of those things he does and says.. after so long they are no longer funny!

But he is very kind and thoughtful and caring.

Hmmm there are other things too, but not brave enough to talk about those here yet!!

Nice to know I'm not the only one feeling these emotions.

"Life shrinks and expands according to one's courage".

This was the saying that really made me stop and think. My life with my dh had become a pretty constricted and not very happy place.

I've now had the "conversation" and getting ready to move on. Nervous, but I just couldn't see any other option.

Those comments made by Rutihie resonate . .
Looks like we need a whole thread / chat room to discuss this / compare notes/sympathise
🙊🙊

After posting here I managed to talk with two best friends. It was so good after so long to get things off my chest and not just internalise them.

My decision is to await my youngest son's return to uni before the speech is made.

I have , from advice written every thing down. It is so hard at the moment to be even nice to DH.

The issues involve escorts, spending compulsively and control.... to put it very simply. Though we do not have financial problems.

I know I should really think about the chance for him to change but all I can see is independence, my own life, and forget all those materialistic possessions.... and lack of spontaneity. I really think we have become opposites and can not even agree on simple things. If you understand what I mean, just a passing comment he makes wants me to disagree.

Advice and emotional support greatly received. Thank you for reading. Thinking yoga might help me....