Does it ever work when dp has pfb and I have 2 kids

[MrsNoMates]

That's it really. I have two fairly normal kids, they get on or they fight etc. They are 8 and 10. Not overly naughty or good - just kids of that age iyswim.

Dp has one ds who is 6. I lovely little boy but my goodness is he wrapped in cotton wool and very much a pfb.

The other day pfb was crying in the other room and my dp rushed out like there had been a murder to him and pfb said my ds had "pushed him." Turns out they had all been playing a game and my ds touched pfb to "tag" him and he started crying. My dp left with pfb straight after because he was upset etc.

It's getting to me because I feel like my dp thinks my kids are too boisterous to be around his son. He rushes to his son when he cries whereas I wait a few minutes with mine because usually they sort it out themselves etc because they are being kids.

Has anyone experienced this and what did you do? Did it work?

Honestly - I'd let him parent his son as he sees fit and get on with parenting your dcs as you see fit. If you're not compatible you will see, but ultimately you can't change each other. I expect it will mould together as you all spend more time together but if not then maybe blending the families isn't meant to be just yet

I had similar in a previous relationship, I had two dc 5 and 2 and he had one age 2, it was very hard at times and we rowed more than once bit as the girls got older and we all had time to adjust it got easier. So much so that even though ex and I have been split up for a few years, his DD still comes here at least weekly.

Tbh I hate the term "blending families." I don't think our families will ever be "blending " because his ds lives with mum and he has him every other weekend (not by choice.) So when we get together it would be like the kids getting together as friends more than "blended siblings."

Overanxious disney dad with over protected child just about sums it up tbh.

It pisses me off thinking about it tbh because I have the perspective of 2 kids who can be little shits challenging at times whereas he has one pfb 4 days a month and I end up feeling like the bad parent.

If your parenting isn't on the same page your relationship is doomed unfortunately. ... Your dc will resent you for parenting then when they see his ds being treated differently in the same house. ...

Sorry but I have no idea what pfb means.

I've had too much to drink today and I can't remember if I would know what it meant sober.

Desmondo, I have no idea either and I don't drink.

No personal experience but my friend had a similar issue. Her XP's son (only child) was spoilt rotten and would always seek to divide and conquer her two boys so one of hers was always left out of playing. PFB's bullying and tantrums were never challenged by his Dad. In the end she saw that it came down to a lack of shared values which became apparent over time as he liked to throw money at all problems (including children) and did anything for a quiet life. It took her two years to twig and get rid though. Her boys were much more settled once pfb was off the scene.

How long have you been together?

I know how frustrating it can be but his son is younger and that will make your two older children much more intimidating, even if not meaning to be.

However I think the problem is your dp.If he doesn't want to discuss parenting and runs away then you have no chance of fixing problems.If he was prepared to talk to you and you both agree discipline or house rules you might see progress.I don't think he wants to fix it, just blame you and your children.

As the children are young I would be pessimistic of a bright future as you have potentially years of this.Be there and absolutely regret the years wasted!

I have a different perspective. My D was anxious and timid and over sensitive as a child. Her cousins were more robust. My siblings were convinced that I molly coddled her and her timidity was a result of me being over protective. My stance is that I was protective because she needed me to protect her. There may be some validity to both views.

Anyway, she grew in confidence as she got older and now is a fully functioning independent adult and actually does more adventurous things than her cousins. So we all survived and I do feel somewhat vindicated.

Your parenting styles may differ but that doesn't mean you are right and he is wrong. Your children are different and may need to be treated differently.

PFB is Precious First Born.

Have you sat down and spoken about it? I think I would start off there, it sounds difficult but I hope you can sort it out.

I don't particularly see he's at fault. Some kids, boys especially can be really boisterous and if his son isn't used to that, then he will likely find it upsetting.

Furthermore, if he goes back to his mum and says your boys hit him, that could lead to more issues.

Your DS told you it was a tag touch, but you weren't there and didn't see exactly what happened. It could have been a rough hit, or as brothers /siblings often do (especially when older), they could have been playing a game that he never had a chance of winning, where perhaps he was constantly being tagged which is equally upsetting.

I don't really blame him TBH.

Just to add,, referring to his son as you do is quite telling. I'd be pretty peeved if my partner referred to my child as a precious first born. Every child is precious.

As much as its important for your dp to understand what kind of kids you have and their needs its equally important you get to know his guy and his ways. Writing him off immediately is bad and not the way too make things work. Having a sibling probably does toughen dc up a bit but its not his fault he has no sibling. Get to know him and be sensitive to him. He was the youngest child there too.

Oh OP, think a minute. Why would your DP's DS cry over being tagged? He was pushed, so he cried. He's younger than your boys. If you persistently minimised the feelings of my child and didn't discipline your kids effectively then I would walk out as well.

LTB just on the count of having a PFB

In my experience having vastly differing parenting styles doesn't work.
It's such a major thing which will always be there.
On the other hand you only see his son 4 days a month, could your do not spend time alone with his son then?

I wouldn't want my child going round house either with 2 boisterous kids either. I'm not a fan of boys will be boys or it makes them tougher crap.

I have a similar gap. 4 years

And sometimes the eldest gets too rough with the younger one or the game wl always end with the younger one losing.

I adore my eldest, though she does take advantage of being bigger, faster stronger.

Its frustrating for the younger one and being younger, means being pushed has a bigger impact. The older one doesnt mean to hurt or upset.

Sometime the youngest cries out of frustation.

We resolved these issues mainly by speaking to both kids. And noe the oldest is a teen rough and tumble has stopped.

What i am saying is i dont think he is entirely to blame. My two are both mine, but i can imagine my feelings would be different if the oldest wasnt mine and was hurting my smaller child.

Yes I accept my ds was too boisterous and he has lost his computer time because of the whole incident. I don't think my dp's son was constantly tagged because in the end they stopped tagging him very much because he cries.

They haven't had much time together because my weekends with mine are opposite to my dp's with his. So I've spent a lot of every other weekend with my son's ds getting to know him very well. For me I can see the difference in an only child compared to those with siblings in this case. Sometimes I struggle with this because I find the sulking/getting own way/lack of sharing/centre of attention attitude frustrating but also accept that is the way it is sometimes. It's kind of like some of the things we did with our first when they were little then learn second time around how silly/odd or precious that all was and laugh about it and wouldn't do some of the daft things with our second/third plus child

I have read these replies with interest and will take on board the comments because it's important I understand this because I probably am being too harsh. I am going to work on being more open minded with it.

I don't think this is going to work. Your kids are going to resent you for bringing a child into their lives that constantly gets them into trouble/treated differently, you're going to resent the PFB, and your DP for the issues that are being caused. Your DP is going to resent you and your kids for upsetting his PFB. Everyone is just going to end up being miserable.

I think the very fact you describe his kid as pfb says it all. No I don't think it can work. He loves his kid and is protective of him - entirely natural and even moreso when he probably feels bad that he does only see him 4 days a month. Yes your kids are also entirely normal, no one I'm sure would ever consider you a bad parent from your post, you sound normal too. You sound almost envious or resentful of his kid tho.