Does it ever work when dp has pfb and I have 2 kids

[MrsNoMates]

That's it really. I have two fairly normal kids, they get on or they fight etc. They are 8 and 10. Not overly naughty or good - just kids of that age iyswim.

Dp has one ds who is 6. I lovely little boy but my goodness is he wrapped in cotton wool and very much a pfb.

The other day pfb was crying in the other room and my dp rushed out like there had been a murder to him and pfb said my ds had "pushed him." Turns out they had all been playing a game and my ds touched pfb to "tag" him and he started crying. My dp left with pfb straight after because he was upset etc.

It's getting to me because I feel like my dp thinks my kids are too boisterous to be around his son. He rushes to his son when he cries whereas I wait a few minutes with mine because usually they sort it out themselves etc because they are being kids.

Has anyone experienced this and what did you do? Did it work?

Yes I accept my ds was too boisterous and he has lost his computer time because of the whole incident.

If you accept this, then why do you still have the pfb mentality. I think using that term is quite horrible tbh and if a partner described my DC that way (and I knew about it), I'd end the relationship.

I don't think my dp's son was constantly tagged because in the end they stopped tagging him very much because he cries.

Equally, if he was being left out, that can also be isolating.

It's just probably not a fair game with the age difference.

This could equally be the case with full siblings as well. My niece has older sisters and often comes crying to mum because her sisters did x, you or Z.

It's not a pfb issue at all. The difference is my Dsis can't walk off with her youngest, but tells the older ones to be careful although her youngest can be a bit bossy if it's not going her way, when they're playing with her.

I think that part of it depends on how the conversation goes between you and bf. Can he see that he son is a bit sensitive? Can he see that learning to get along with others and work out his own stuff with peers would actually help him?

I used to teach school. I can only image your bf's child on the playground.

Would you be happy with your relationship with your boyfriend if you stopped getting together when he means that all the kids will be there? Because if he continues to treat his child this way, it isn't fair to your kids. None the less, you can have a limited relationship anyway.

I think part of it could be the age thing tbh. My precious first born dd went from being a cute 6 year old in infant school to a pre teen with attitude 10 year old in no time. Something appears to happen around year 3/4 at school in the juniors so maybe that will happen to his ds.

I call my dd my pfb sometimes because it's a jokey term to say "the silly things we did/fuss over with our pfb." It's not supposed to be a term to say the child is horrible!

I have spoken to my dp about it now and says sometimes he hates that his ds can be such a wrapped up child (my dp's brother said the same thing apparently although he used the word "wussy ") My dp said he wants to try and change it a bit but it's hard where he only his ds 2 weekends a month and his ds's mum really babies him because he is her only child. We agreed we will take things a step at a time and just monitor the kids together etc but we both want to make things work for everyone so that is what we are going to work on.

I had a, relationship like that. I have 3 boys and DP had one pfb son 2 years younger than my youngest two (twins). Pfb could not cope with the sibling rivalry and rough housing of mine which is not excessive judging by others I know , DP decided my kids were awful rough bullies and ignored own son pinching mine, muttering "I hate you" under his breath at mine. It lead to me assuming my kids were in the wrong and being hyper vigilant and was exhausting. An overseas trip with all 4 kids finished the relationship off after mine were accused of kicking pfb (who later admitted the bruises on his legs were not from mine kicking him.... Having said they were initially), mine being asked not to do dives into the pool because pfb hadn't learnt to dive and it was upsetting him that mine could and me being asked to keep my 3 in their rooms until pfb had had his breakfast as he didn't like noise at breakfast.

I think it's really hard for a young child to be robust and resilient when his parents have divorced, he only has 4 days a month with his dad, and he's expected to spend some of that time with his dad's new partner and her two bigger, more confident kids, presumably in their own home. He's only 6.

I have been exactly where you are!

My DD's were 13 and 6 and his youngest was 8 when we moved in together. He had his DD eow as well from Friday to Monday so she was with us 8 days a month.

We had so many issues, with his DD deliberately slamming a door in my 6 yo's face (and trapping her hand in the door in the process) to hiding things and lying about it. It was constant attention seeking by her (although she had a lot of time with her dad) and always crying, over absolutely everything. If we didn't have the right crisps, juice, what she wanted for dinner ... she cried.

In the end, when the DD's were all going to be together I would go and buy some art stuff for them to do or find an activity we would all do together so they could be monitored and age differences weren't noticeable and it was very much a controlled situation. It didn't sort everything out but did stop an awful lot of the arguing that invariably went on behind a closed door.

Set them a project to do together or take them off out for a walk or just all play a game. Make sure it's fair for everyone (ie age appropriate and a game of luck/chance rather than skill).

And get on the same page with the parenting. Dp tells me now, 5 years on, that he regrets being a disney dad to his DD and realises that it's backfired spectacularly.

See, I still think you are seeing it as a 6 year old child being "wrong". "Wussy" is a horrible thing to say. He's different to your two. Someone could describe your two as "thugs". Would that be fair? No of course not.

Every child is shaped by their experiences (number of siblings, birth order, family circumstances etc) but also by their innate personality. You really really must not all gang up on this child and judge him in this way.

I think loony is on the right tracks, if your partner only sees his son for 2 weekends in 4 surely he should give his son one to one attention.

If the boys mother is wrapping him in cotton wool she's likely to stop contact when she hears about this anyway.

For all your punishing your elder son, your whole attitude is one of boisterous playing somehow being the right way of being a boy, and a more sensitive take on life being the result of being an only child, wrapped in cotton wool and all the rest of it.

Fyi there are plenty of boys in large families who also hate boisterous play, particularly if involving bigger children they don't know very well.

And there are plenty of children who grow up in large families who get very good at sensing what level of play is right for another, smaller child.

His son was too young when his parents spilt to remember them being together as he was only 18 months old.

My kids and his haven't mixed a lot because like I said, we have opposite weekends so when his son his down I will spend a Saturday or a Sunday with them and they get the rest of the time alone or see grandparents/cousin etc. So he isn't just expected to be around me and my children the whole time he is here because my children are usually with their own dad. So far the kids have only mixed for a day here and there during the holidays.

I suspect it's an age thing because like I said they seem to go from being cute at 6 in infants then when they hit the juniors and get to 8/9/10 they seem to change from cute to boisterous pre teens!

Cory I never said being boisterous was the right way for a boy. ^^ If anything my ds is far more sensitive then my dd, who I would describe as always being more on the tomboy side of the spectrum. When mine were really little my ds used to play with my dd's pink dolly pram and dolls house because she wasn't interested and my dd used to kick a football around and played trains (much to their older "old fashioned " grandparents.") To me toys were just toys. So no I wouldn't put all boys in a "boisterous " box and all girls in a "sensitive " box and have never had that attitude.

Also I don't have an elder son? My ds is 8 and my dd is 10?

Mycatsapirite I think that's pretty much what we are going to do, set them activities or go for a walk etc. Mine are bookworms so it might be an idea for them to do some fun reading with his ds or do some art because my dd is great at drawing cartoons so could help him draw those or draw them and can colour in etc. My dp and I had a talk the other night and appear to be on the same page in what we want to achieve.

I've ended relationships because of this. Because in my opinion this creates the idea of the wicked step mother.

Obviously each case is different though!

MrsNoMates Tue 29-Aug-17 09:41:45
"Cory I never said being boisterous was the right way for a boy."

Sorry, my post possibly came across as putting more emphasis on the gender thing than intended.

What I really wanted to say is, you seem to have the attitude that being boisterous is somehow better than being sensitive, and that being different has to be the result of being an only child, or being brought up in a certain way, or not having reached a certain age of their development. So not so much a boy-girl thing as the assumption that everybody has to be the same as your dc and that they shouldn't have to make the effort to find out what suits other children (particularly a smaller child). And a child who only gets to see his dad at intervals and may well be feeling more vulnerable in this situation.

I was very much a tomboy at the age of 8. But I was also brought up to understand that there are different ways of being and that there isn't necessarily a right and wrong here.

Oh and apologies re elder son.

I wouldn't say being boisterous was better tbh as a sensitive, introverted person myself. I think boisterous was perhaps the wrong word to be honest. I think the point I was trying to make was my dc weren't being "naughty " or "aggressive," they were playing tag (or "it") and his ds didn't like being the one being tagged and cried. I don't think the game would be anything more "boisterous " then what most children play in the playground at school. Unrelated to my dc because they weren't there but I remember at Christmas I was at his parents house with my dp, his son and my dp's nieces etc and we were playing the game Pie Face. His ds found it hilarious when everyone got "pied" etc but when it was his turn he would cry and say he's not doing it (it would have only been a tiny bit of cream because the family put a tiny bit on the thing compared to the big dollops everyone else got!) I wouldn't even say he's a timid, quiet child! At times he can be louder than my 2!

As I said on this thread I think I need to be more open minded with it all and work with it.

My ds was 'sensitive' like your dp's.
Unfortunately you can't change their nature, its just the way they are.
Im getting the full on teenage attitude from him now so things will improve! My dd on the other hand is a right little madam and I need to watch her like a hawk as she can be too bossy and rough !

Desmondo and Brown Do you know what JFGI means?

(I bet you don't know what SSIASB* means....'cos I just made it up! )

*SamoyedSamIsASnideBitch

There's a difference between being sensitive and being entitled. What the OP is describing sounds much more entitled than sensitive.

children need to be taught that they are special, but no more special than any body else. They need to know that, while their feelings are important, the world doesn't revolve around them.

I suspect that the OPers children are quite good for him, but only if his father can see that. Otherwise, it's just one more situation for him to play victim.

I think you need to think about three points:

1. You're kids are older
2. There are two of them and only one of him
3. He only has a small amount of contact with his dad, so may feel particular anxious/ vulnerable during that time.

I can see why you find it a bit irritating, but I think that you need to be extra indulgent and tell your kids to be too and try not to get resentful about it. maybe then he will start to feel more secure and things will get better?

*your

Thank you I will certainly take in all the points on this thread and be more tolerant to the whole situation. His son is a lovely little boy and certainly one I would like to continue having a relationship with and be a role model for.