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Original poster

Emotional abuse or a joke?

54 replies

Willowtree1979 · 26/08/2017 11:52

My boyfriend of just under a year said yesterday, after he offered me a sweet and i took two! "You greedy bitch".. jokingly.. i wasnt happy and he said "its just a joke! Its just a turn of phrase"...

The important thing is he did this once before about a month ago and i had a big go at him, he eventually agreed not to say again but has yesterday.

Also yesterday he said later when i.was still in a mood "what is it about that phrase u dont like... the 'B' word or "greedy"? What a stupid question?! I dont like it full stop.. why do.we need to analyse it???

Btw Ive put on a bit of weight..from a size 12 to a 14 and I have said lately i wanna lose weight.. hes never called me fat etc but i know im a good 2 stone over weight. In past ive made it clear i never want to hear weight comments or jokes so "greedy bitch" maybe wouldnt have annoyed me.so.much if i was a size ten?? I dont know.. its still not a nice phrase.. but i dont think he was.saying it as a way of calling mr fat its just his crap sense humour. He.said the exact same thing..also over sweets 3 months ago when i was slimmer.. it really offended me!! I made it clear i dont like that phrase.

Also later that day we were messin round and he jokingly said "oooh you little b..." he didnt finish the sentence.... so he calls me the bitch word in other contexts too but always jokingly

Does ur partner ever jokingly.call you a bitch? Am i too sensitive??

OP posts:
slartibartfastsfjords · 26/08/2017 11:55

I wouldn't like being called a bitch, full stop. Understand some people wouldn't mind, each to their own..but it sounds nasty and disrespectful to me, even if he's joking :-(

slartibartfastsfjords · 26/08/2017 11:58

(Meant to say, no partner I've had has ever done that, and it'd take a v big apology for me to go on, if current one did (and for him to NEVER do it again).

Its a bit more complex if you sort of haven't minded when he said it in other contexts tho - not sure how you tell him what is and isn't OK for you then.

Original poster
Willowtree1979 · 26/08/2017 12:03

Thank you! Ive always made it clear i domt like being called that joke in any context :-/

He says other stupid things too like although he doesnt often treat me to.things like dinner, he did the other day .. i was really appreciative and he said "oooh you love money dont you".. really odd comment... i dont! Hes the one obsessed with hoarding all his money (hes fairly well off but doesnt like spending much... on me!)..

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 26/08/2017 12:14

I think it's a red flag. I think his comments hint at disrespectful core beliefs about women. And even though you've told him you don't like it, he has not respected your wishes and said it again.

Be alert to a pattern of him making you feel bad about yourself, putting you down. People can do it deliberately because they feel they are superior to you - often just because they're a man and you're a woman - and are entitled to put you in your (lower) place.

Is there any chance he is making you anxious and you are comfort eating to cope with the stress?

Desmondo2016 · 26/08/2017 12:33

Just under a year in... he should be calling you beautiful and spoiling you rotten. Get rid

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 26/08/2017 12:38

Honestly wouldn't bother me, I'd just say "I know, give me another". But that's the kind of relationship we have. I can only think that maybe you have an underlying issue that would make you take this throw away comment to heart.

CockacidalManiac · 26/08/2017 12:38

You don't need the permission of others to have boundaries.

KentMum2008 · 26/08/2017 12:42

NotTheDuchess DH and I have a similar relationship, we endlessly take the piss out of each other and I frequently call him a pig (because he does eat A LOT!) and he'll call me a greedy cow if I'm stuffing my face. I think the difference is, we're both equally happy with this. I know he doesn't mean it so I don't care! If I was ever unhappy with the way he spoke to me, I'd tell him instantly and he'd never say it again.

Original poster
Willowtree1979 · 26/08/2017 12:51

Yes i am sensitwive about my weight.. if i was a size 8 model then i.might find it funny... i think main issue is i feel like he doesnt respect me?.. after i made it so clear i hate the greedy bitch comments
..he still.makes them knowing i dont like it.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 26/08/2017 12:55

In a relatively new relationship you will be testing each other out and I think it's fair for you to say you don't like this.

Your gut instinct is telling you something so I would listen.

Original poster
Willowtree1979 · 26/08/2017 12:56

Keepingonrunning..yes he thinks he siperior to most.. can be a little arrogant.. says things like "oh you do alright with me dont you" and "youre so.lucky arent you".. of he cooks a meal or something.

Hes said he never wants to be taken for gtanted.. i never have! Said before when in tesco and he wanted to split the food bill 50 50.. (his food bill!) Of which i was staying 1 night. hardly fair to make me pay half of his butter, tea bags etc.. petty.. but he says he wants to give me his time not his money! Ive never wanted his money!!! Lol

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 26/08/2017 12:58

If your gut is telling you to move on, don't fall into the trap of following the sunk costs fallacy. This issue is a sign things are only going to get more problematic with time and make you more unhappy. You deserve someone who respects you and your wishes.

MaisyPops · 26/08/2017 13:05

On it's own, i think it's just a joke. E.g. me and DH call each other fatty and other such things if one of has multiple biscuits/2nd helpings of pudding. Calling 'greedy bitch' as abuse, to me, would trivialise abuse. Just like you can tell someone to fuck off in a funny way vs an aggressive way, the words themselves arent awful.

But, combined with other thing you say, i think you're better off out the relationship. He seems to be under the impression that you should be grateful he bothers with you. So have a LTB from me

lola32 · 26/08/2017 13:07

Hey, his comments are certainly not pleasant but I do think many men have this way of relating to people, they think it's "banter." I'd be as upset as you are, my tolerance to such "sense of humour" is non existent and couldn't take it from a partner.

However equally, I'm sure a part of it is the fact you're not feeling 100% confident with your weight at the moment - so are susceptible to be even more adversely affected by such "lines."

In the end, if you say you don't like such comments he should respect it.

hatsoncats · 26/08/2017 13:07

He knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. He does not appreciate you.
Your company, affection and time are worth far more than the cost of sweets or a few teabags.

If you stay, you are in for a lifetime of "you greedy bitch"s.
Or - fat/ skinny/ money grabbing/stupid/ or lazy bitch's, as applicable in his eyes.

Followed, no doubt, by "Oh, it's just a bit of banter".

You do not deserve this and you should not tolerate this.

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2017 13:08

This man sounds horrible. He calls you nasty names, he makes you pay half his food bill and he thinks you're lucky to have him.

Do you really want to stay with him? Do you think things will get better? They're getting worse right now, aren't they?

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2017 13:08

Oh and you might find you lost weight just having dumped him - nothing like a man who makes you feel bad about yourself to bring on the comfort eating.

keepingonrunning · 26/08/2017 13:14

"youre so.lucky arent you".. of he cooks a meal or something.
This says everything you need to know about him. He's looking for an unpaid domestic servant, not an equal partnership.
LTB, read Wifework and set your boundaries waaaaay higher.

chocolatecookiess · 26/08/2017 13:20

From that alone i would think that he is immature more than anything else. I wouldn't call it emotional abuse, unless if there are more things happening
Are you happy together? Are those little things the only problems? Can you calmly explain to him why is bothering you when he talks like that?
If you explain it properly and he carries on , he doesnt respect you and its time to think if you are happy to be with someone like that

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 26/08/2017 13:39

My DP a all's me a bitch often and, whilst, on the one hand I feel I shouldn't like it, he doesn't mean it nastily at all and so I just call him 'darling' in return (which he can't stand!).

There was one occasion, many years ago when, whilst drunk, he called me a lazy cow twice in one evening. He was absolutely horrified when he realised the next day, having come back to an empty house, that I'd gone out for a 15 mile walk in retaliation!!!!! He pointed out that not only did he not mean it, but if he'd thought it was the truth he would never have said it. Still, it gave me the incentive to do some exercise and he's never said anything like it ever since.

RandomWordsandaNumber5 · 26/08/2017 19:51

If this were me, I'd be thinking hard about what I get from this relationship.
Does he make you feel loved, respected and valued?
Or does he call you names, try and get you to subside his groceries bill and insinuate that he's doing you a favour by being with you?
If I were you, I think I might be looking elsewhere. I think you could do so much better.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/08/2017 19:58

He's a tosser, with real problems with women. He's also financially abusive, if he's trying to get you to pay half his food bill for staying one night... What Keepin said, also.

HappylandToysEverywhere · 26/08/2017 21:26

Sounds like he thinks all women are gold diggers and he's fucking TERRIFIED of being with someone like that. That, couple with him being tighter than a cheese wire. He's testing you. "You love your money don't you" to see if you respond with something like "Yeah! I love you spending your cash on me!"

Btw please tell me you didn't actually pay 50% of his food bill?!?!?!

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2017 21:28

He's tight.

That's a very unattractive quality.

Barbaro · 26/08/2017 21:32

I'm in the same boat as nottheduchess and mangomay but that's just my relationship with my boyfriend. If you don't like it, then that's fine too.

He sounds a bit tight to be honest, asking you to pay half his food bill is just cheeky. Hope you said no.