My mother and her seemingly endless disapproval/disappointment

[SukiTheDog]

I've snapped this evening. My mum is elderly, critical, controlling. Her bluntness is ledgendary and offensive. I have one sister and we agree that she gets worse as she gets older. She is lonely. My step dad died years ago. She is comfortable financially but recently moved house and doesn't get on with the neighbours who are ordinary mortals who have no hope of meeting her exacting standards.

I'm now 55. Apparently, I look tired (I should do, as I care for my very autistic son who's nearly 17). My hair is a mess. She doesn't like what I wear. My makeup's all wrong. I'm "very fortunate to have met DH who "looks after me". I'm antisocial as we rarely go out and live too much "just the two of you". It has recently been suggested by the therapy team Lead attending my DS that I might consider seeking assessment for my own possible asd.

I was a single mum for years after my first husband left, just weeks after ds was diagnosed with his asd, aged 4. I was a nurse for 24 years. I, like many, have had difficult times in life. And yes, I have met a good man and remarried and thanks to him, I now no longer work though I am "housebound" with my son.

I'm thinking I can no longer cope with my Mum's criticism and apparent unhappiness that somewhere, amongst all the difficulties, I am now loved and happy and grateful to have an easier life. I think she'd prefer it if I was still struggling on my own. I should say that my inner self is heartbroken on an hourly basis regarding my beautiful son, his life and possible future.

I think I'm rambling now but I'm close to telling her to leave me alone. That if she can't be kind, to keep her opinions to herself. She only has me and my sister (who is equally disappointing to her).

What would you do?

I would tell her what you've told us. Sit her down and ask her to listen while you explain how her criticism makes you feel. Tell her you are close to cutting contact because she makes you feel so low. If she loves you and cares about your feelings, this could be a constructive conversation that leads to a better relationship. If she becomes defensive and tries to tell you how you should feel, you have your answer.

Didn't want to read & run.

What I always see mentioned on these threads is possibly looking at the "we took you to stately homes" threads. They're truly amazing.

When I think of my mum and our relationship I grimace. I'm a mum and grandmother, and it's eye opening. The dynamics are very fraught and fragile. Especially with your difficult situation re your beautiful son. I do believe the older generation have difficulty grasping these autistic spectrum disorders. Can you sit down and speak with your mum? Spell it out. Appeal to her better nature. She sounds unhappy.

For you OP 💐

Your mother is not just simply lonely, your mother is abusive and has been so your whole life. There are reasons why she has no friends either; she drives people away with her abusive behaviours and thinks that everyone else is beneath her.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

I would back right off from your mother now and have nothing to do with her going forward. That may seem a bit much as you have been conditioned into doing what she says and wants but the freedom from your mother's tyranny will be worth it.

Agree, she sounds bitter.
Can you just give yourself some space from her?
can you even hope to change her?

To toxic people like your mother the best defence is attack and she will go on the offensive immediately and give you both barrels.

I would not try and appeal to your mother's better nature precisely because she does not have one. Talking to disordered of thinking people like your mother is a wasted effort because the only opinion that matters to her is her own. People like this really do have no empathy or insight.

Do post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Mmm definitely head over to the Stately Homes thread. So sorry you have this kind of relationship with your Mum. I agree with Attila (who has given me much wise advice under my previous names over the years), talking to her is pointless.

I'm sorry you can't change her. In the lottery of mothers you just happened to pull a short straw.

It hurts and you will dream of a warm relationship with her, like others seem to have, which isn't going to happen. Put your energies instead into 'mothering' yourself with nurturing kindness, treats, understanding, compassion. Try these:

Toxic Parents - Susan Forward
Will I Ever Be Good Enough - Karyl McBride
Homecoming - John Bradshaw

It sounds really tough. I have a friend who has similar issues with her mum. She also has a child with ASD.

I think her mum has classic ASD traits too. I'm not an expert but I understand it can be inherited. With you saying your mum struggles with friendships and has very exacting standards it made me wonder.

Not that it excuses her behaviour but it might make it feel less personal.

I echo what other people have said, head over to the Stately Homes thread and read Toxic Parents. It was a real eye opener for me. Kindness is the least we can expect from the people who are supposed to love us. But you won't change her, OP, I am afraid, you won't ever have the relationship you are longing for. It is very hard, especially in the age of social media when you get reminded fofwhat you don't have with Mother's Day and birthday posts on the likes of FB, with pics of happy families. I think it would do you good to have a proper talk with her about her behaviour and how it makes you feel, you can get it all off your chest and say it the person it NEEDS saying to. But if she doesn't take it on board and really try to change, you need to think about what you can do to minimise her negative impact on you. But now that you see how much it affects you, you HAVE to do something. Good luck.

I think you should tell your mother to find a new emotional punching bag, get a therapist, and concentrate on yourself for a change. Nobody needs that kind of abuse. Your mother sounds like a miserable person.

Thank you for the many replies.

I think she is very unhappy and crucially, disappointed with life. Her life. Mine and my sister's lives. Our non-achievement.

She had us very young and in 1960, HER life was put "on hold". My dad was a married man and an abusive, alcoholic and against all advice, she waited for his divorce to come through and married him, when I was around three years old. Because she couldn't cope as a young mum and was in an abusive relationship, she contemplated allowing me to be brought up by her sister and as a toddler, I lived with my Nan and my mum and sister lived with my dad. When my Nan couldn't continue to look after me as she had cancer, I went to live with them. A happy family life, it was not. We weren't allowed visitors; my father barely spoke to me until I was around 7/8. We had to pretend that we were OK and no one knew what was going on behind closed doors. There was a lot of violence in the home and I grew up ashamed of what I was and where I was from.

When I grew up I got an ordinary job (nursing) and did well. Was a staff nurse then sister, for many years. Apparently I am a dead loss. A non-coper. Personally, I think I've done OK considering all things.

I think I need to put some distance between us. Which feels cruel considering her age (77). But frankly, I've had enough; there's no changing her. Some people I think, just go through life being pissed off. Nothing's ever good enough and then they wonder why they're on their own.

Yeah, I second telling your mother to find another punch bag.

If you're a disappointment as a nursing sister, fuck knows what she would do with me if I were her daughter.

In what world is a nursing career a failure??

You've overcome an awful childhood start to have a successful career. You have a child and a loving husband. You care for your sons needs (and being a carer is a hard job indeed.) you sound like anything but a failure to me, quite the opposite.

Your mother is toxic and bitter. The first reply on this thread - do that. Then head over to the stately homes thread.

I have a mother exactly like this, if not worse, but was lucky enough to have a lovely Dad which helped to mitigate the shit to some extent.

My advice is to treat her professionally - tell her nothing about you and your life, go to see her when it suits you, but don't engage with the judgemental stuff - learn to say 'OK, Mum' and 'Thats great' and other meaningless shut downs then relentlessly return to practicalities.

No point having any meaningful conversations - she has no capacity.

Presumably, you've spoken to your sister about this? What will it mean for her if you go nc with your mother no I don't mean this as an omg, who will think of the others question. I mean will she follow suit or will she continue to be a punching bag?

PS. I don't think her age should stop you looking after yourself and going nc. She won't change, OP and she's always been like this.

I have this, I do low contact.

I expect nothing emotionally. Well, I do, but every day I have to remind myself not to.

I have had to mourn for and deal with the loss of not ever getting the love I wanted.

I hope you can get some distance

I'm like Maisie.

How often do you see her or speak to your mother?

Apparently I am a dead loss. A non-coper

She's talking about herself here. But she can't bear to see it, so she diverts it onto you. She must have been so disappointed in her marriage and in her life and, having fought to marry him against all advice, she could never admit to it. People slide their own failures onto the people they love most.

I think that it's very hard when you have a mother like this. It's also very very hard to go no contact. It might be an idea to try to put distance between you by a number of small mental tricks

• imagine a stone wall between you and her, and all that she says bounces off that wall and goes thump onto the ground. It can't reach you

• tell her when you are going to see/ring her. Once a week or fortnight; twice a week and then keep to that. Ignore the comments (see the first idea)

• keep in mind that people generally become more fixed in their personalities and she cannot change now. She is unable to; she has the urge to wound you, but she cannot do different.

• develop a set of stock responses "yes Mum, you've made that clear" "I am proud of what I've done, but understand you feel differently"; diversion techniques "Oh your hair's nice today".

• if it gets unbearable, tell her. "Mum, you're being very critical. I'd better go. I'll come back next Thursday, as usual"

I think this last point is perhaps the most effective. When you're dealing with someone who cannot truly interact any more, toddler techniques are about the only thing that work. "if you do this, then this will happen" ... and then KEEP to your word.

There are parents you just have to walk away from. Only you know if you are at that point. But the range of social / mental tools that you can use, could make it easier to keep in touch with her. As you said, she's old and lonely - though that does not mean she can drag you down to the floor. If it comes to a choice, your children always > your parent, or should.

So much of what you say resonates with me. I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

I walked away from my dad having tried to contact him as an adult woman. We met up but he kept getting my name wrong (he'd been drinking). I kissed him goodbye and walked away. I knew it would be the last time I'd see him. He dies some years later.

My mum calls me every day; sometimes more. I cannot tell you what we talk about. It will be impossible to go nc. But I can cut down. My sister will not go nc either.

As far as nursing goes, I think it has been a good career for me. I'm a practical person and unflappable in a real crisis 😊 However, I should have done something very different and when I gave that up, she never forgave me. Anything else I've done or achieved has been a letdown. That's where it all stems from.

I do lead a small life. I like it that way. She's always wanted "more" for me.

It's not you, it's her. Your mother has quite some hold over you in a controlling way. I think it would be healthier for you to disentangle yourself from her clutches. You are a separate human being. You exist in your own right, not just as her daughter.

Expect nothing from her - not even goodwill - then you will be less disappointed when she behaves true to form.

You might find the Out of the FOG website interesting reading.

If Going NC is impossible for you then you need strict boundaries. Reward good behaviour & punish the bad. Don't respond. Just leave or hang up when she starts on you.
Read all the recommended books and work on divorcing your emotions & reactions from her opinions. 💐

Have a look at outofthefog.net, especially a technique called Medium Chill. It was a real eye opener for me.

OP you did not break your mum, you can not fix her, her supposed "disappointment" in your life has absolutely nothing to do with you or your life. You are awesome and amazing and wonderful. Your mum will never see this because she has disordered thinking and poor relationship skills and most likely no empathy. There are many of us who have similarly disordered mothers and similarly complex fraught relationships to them. Please don't fritter any more of your energy on this. You do not owe her anything.