My mother and her seemingly endless disapproval/disappointment

[SukiTheDog]

I've snapped this evening. My mum is elderly, critical, controlling. Her bluntness is ledgendary and offensive. I have one sister and we agree that she gets worse as she gets older. She is lonely. My step dad died years ago. She is comfortable financially but recently moved house and doesn't get on with the neighbours who are ordinary mortals who have no hope of meeting her exacting standards.

I'm now 55. Apparently, I look tired (I should do, as I care for my very autistic son who's nearly 17). My hair is a mess. She doesn't like what I wear. My makeup's all wrong. I'm "very fortunate to have met DH who "looks after me". I'm antisocial as we rarely go out and live too much "just the two of you". It has recently been suggested by the therapy team Lead attending my DS that I might consider seeking assessment for my own possible asd.

I was a single mum for years after my first husband left, just weeks after ds was diagnosed with his asd, aged 4. I was a nurse for 24 years. I, like many, have had difficult times in life. And yes, I have met a good man and remarried and thanks to him, I now no longer work though I am "housebound" with my son.

I'm thinking I can no longer cope with my Mum's criticism and apparent unhappiness that somewhere, amongst all the difficulties, I am now loved and happy and grateful to have an easier life. I think she'd prefer it if I was still struggling on my own. I should say that my inner self is heartbroken on an hourly basis regarding my beautiful son, his life and possible future.

I think I'm rambling now but I'm close to telling her to leave me alone. That if she can't be kind, to keep her opinions to herself. She only has me and my sister (who is equally disappointing to her).

What would you do?

You were a nurse. You have a good marriage. You care for your ds. You look after your annoying elderly mother.You overcame a terrible childhood to achieve all this. Believe me you are no failure. Your dm is not going to change as she is a broken disappointed woman. So you need a strategy. The one line response is good. As suggested you can say..mum you are putting me down now so lm off and will pop in again on Thurs. Bye. No more. Do not engage.
My own dm was needing a lot of care recently and when she got mean complaining etc l just said l dont like the way you are talking to me now l am doing my best. Full stop.
None of this is about you . You are fine.
Its all her. Even accepting that is a start.

I feel for you. You are an absolute star.
As children we all want our Mum to approve of us, to love us for all our faults. This need does not go away as adults.
If Jesus came to earth again and was born as her child your Mum would have found fault wth him.
Your Mum could not be pleased beacause she has not found her own piece.
It is highly unlikely you will change her mind
Read Philip Lrakind " They fuck you up your Mum and Dad..." there is a lot wisdom there.

There's no coincidence you succeeded in a caring profession. From Day 1 your DM trained you to put her needs first, above your own. You extended this empathic skill to others in your working life. You are in all probability a very lovely, giving person.
What your DM did not teach you was boundaries in the extent of your giving to others. It's essential you prioritise your own needs first, such as putting mental boundaries in place regarding what behaviour from her you will and will not tolerate.

I like pp's idea of imagining viewing her from behind a Teflon-coated perspex screen in all your interactions. Whenever she tries to send her own crap arising from her own nastiness flying your way, it simply fails to stick, slides down and augments her own cesspit instead

What an interesting site many of you have linked to. Much of it makes sense and I'll try to reference it (quietly, internally) when dealing with my Mum. The only comment made was that I looked tired (I am perpetualy tired) and that I'd lost weight since "giving up" alcohol. I then had one small glass of red wine with Sunday dinner and not a word was said. This, is odd! I wonder whether my lovely sister has had a word with her or Mum can sense my lack of reluctance to engage in criticism of everything.

Still, I felt guilty when she left. I'd not so much ignored her as refused to join in her conversation which is basics slagging off all and sundry.

More reading required, I think...

Actually, refusing to join in slagging off other people is strong point in credit and most definitely not something to feel guilty about!

Dissers are really, really unpleasant.

I think as we get older, we can become more tolerant of human shortcomings. Or not.

I had a rare night out at the theatre last weekend and when we came out, we saw what was very obviously homeless gentleman outside. Not begging just shuffling along with people giving him a wide berth. It brought tears to my eyes. I said to DH, when he told me Not to be so sensitive, "we" can't save the world that all the man probably wanted was a kind word. Not money even. Just people NOT walking in a two foot arc around him. I think at times, I AM too sensitive and much of what my mum says, others might just roll their eyes or even think nothing of it.

Don't know really.

And yes, I flatly refuse to be drawn into any conversation involving judgemental slagging off. I think "we" are all just doing the best we can. Other people's judgement NOT required, thank you.

You sound like a lovely person Suki.

I was also a disappointment to my mum. (She is no longer living.) At a certain point, I went through a process of coming to terms with the fact that I was never going to have the kind of relationship with her that I wanted, that I saw my friends having with their mums. The process was a kind of bereavement. I ended up going low contact with her.

Your DM taught you to be this sensitive, always alert to her needs and meeting them so she wouldn't be unkind to you. The pattern of being alert to the needs of others has remained as an adult.