Are all these arguments affecting our children?

[mywaspname]

Me and my dp have 4 dc. As you can imagine life is very stressful as three of them are under 5 and the eldest is 7. We have started arguing a lot about anything and everything. An example is earlier I was making dinner and dd 2 wanted me to hold her, seeing as dp was just sat reading a paper I snapped and shouted at him to f**king help me he replied by slamming his paper down and swearing back. Then more words got exchanged and I just couldn't believe how it had turned into a big argument. All the dc witnessed what was being said and we both felt terrible after. This is happening daily and I'm so worried it's affecting the dc. I grew up with a lot of arguing and shouting so I probably think it's normal behaviour for adults I always promised myself I wouldn't put my children through the same.

You're abusing your children by bringing them up in this toxic environment.

Do something about it.

It happens to the best of us.

I find it difficult to believe those who say they never argue in front of their DC.

I too feel awful when it happens in our household and our children have said they don't like it. So we make provisions for it not to happen. What we need and did won't be relevant to you because our situations are very different.

I won't beat around the bush, yes it does effect children.

But you're both aware of it which means you can and will improve/stop it.
But also you have young children, it's tiresome and it's normal to be stressed out. It's how you deal with situations before they reach 'that point' so perhaps recognising particularly time when it's most stressful (for me it's dinner time, the kids are tired and fractious, I've just got home from work etc etc etc) and coming to and agreement during a quiet time (a Saturday morning perhaps or lazy Sunday afternoon when you're chilled and happy) of how you can deal with the tough times.

Stormyrabbit how was that in the slightest bit helpful or supportive?

How was your reply helping the OP's kids?

It wasn't. You judgemental twat.

Of course they're affected by it. Everybody has moments of frustration but shouting and swearing in front of small children is appalling behaviour and setting them up for problems in their own emotional lives.

Jesus some people will literally use the word abuse for anything.

I grew up in a house like that and it was horrible. It was much better when my parents got divorced.

Well, you're aware of it and the effect. Try and sort it out. Stress is crap

Thanks Tippy I'm glad you understand what it's like. We always do make sure we show how much we love our dc. Dd 7 said to me that she doesn't like it when we shout and it broke my heart. Both me and dp feel so guilty but we have a very stressful life. I know it's not an excuse! I can remember being about her age and standing between my parents crying and begging them to stop arguing but it was almost like I was invisible. I can't believe I am letting my own children see us acting like this!

Of course it will affect them; that's inevitable.

BUT, you can do something about this. You need to sit down together and find ways of reducing the tension....maybe some 'house rules'.

I don't want them to think they are causing the arguments

www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2014/04/30/what-happens-to-children-when-parents-fight

It is abuse to having children living in a war zone of parents arguing and shouting at each other to 'fucking help.'

OP you have recognised the issue now you have to resolve it.

Whoever isn't cooking needs to be doing childcare, ideally in a separate room IMHO

I'm with stormy here. Sort it out. Sounds as if you're as bad as each other.

That isn't 'help' stormyrabbit that's a guilt trip.
Does it make you feel good to make the OP feel bad? I can't figure out what other point you have to post the stuff you have.

She knows its bad, without your amazing insight.
She's here for help on how to fix it.
Your posts have been the least helpful in this thread. Well done.

How was it resolved? Dh and me spat; kind of like cats. Occasion we have fully fledged rows but the kids see them blow over v quickly with no grudges and often an outcome. I grew up in a house of sudden.blow ups and icy restraint. It was horrible and felt like living on eggshells. Hoping my dc will learn that confrontation need not be frightening.

Knowing it's bad but not doing anything about the situation isn't going to help.

Shall I tell op that's her and her dp's behaviour all okay when it's not? Give her a pat on the back for having vicious arguments frequently in front of her kids?

Doing so to spare her feelings at the expense of her DC is being complicit in the situation.

Change the situation by either learning to control your temper in front of DC or split up. It's quite simple.

It's not simply the shouting though, is it?

You're teaching your children how to disrespect people and how to be disrespected in return. And this will be the 'default', the 'norm' in their future close relationships.

The example was set for you, and you are now following suit.

Why not learn about, and practise, other ways of dealing with conflict and tension? Tough, really tough to change - but doable and hugely worth it.

Make your children proud of what they learn from you, not disappointed or resentful...

What's going through your mind when you decide to take the nuclear option with your husband instead of speaking like a calm and rational adult?

I have tried to remain calm on many occasions, I really have just so the children don't witness this. Then I end up getting upset, which if the children see, upsets them too. Stormy I am most definitely not asking for a pat on the back, that's a really odd comment ! I have so much stress it's difficult to contain myself sometimes. I know really it will affect the children as it's affected me and my siblings badly. All three of us have had depression and one has been suicidal. Life is crap sometimes

But we all have stress. My life is horrendously stressful at the moment. But I never ever ever talk to my DH like that. It's about self control and always keeping the kids perception front and centre. I have no intention of upsetting the kids and that's more important than the instantaneous gratification of snapping.

You say it's not an excuse but you clearly are using stress as an excuse. Nope, sorry. Everyone has stress.

It's highly stressful and potentially frightening for kids to be in close proximity to adults arguing. It also sets them a very bad example and they will grow up with this behaviour as their normal. You need to find coping techniques that work for you and your OH. One thing you could try is whenever you sense the stress levels rising just stop what you're doing and give each other a cuddle.

Actually the people giving bad examples of how to interact with others are the ones criticising OP and not offering advice or support to improve the situation. Perhaps these people just need to learn how to control their ugly superior feelings to others? It's quite simple.
OP I have found mindfulness helpful. The trick for me is learning to recognise that I am getting angry early on. Then I still have capacity to make different choices. I notice that my body has tensed and literally breathe out the tension and relax my body. also, quickly showing how things can be made up if you do get angry.
It is hard though.
As the critical comments here show extremely clearly, we ALL have difficulties in treating others with dignity and respect at all times

Op, I have 4 dc and they were born within 5 yrs of each other. What we didn't know initially was 2 have ASD. One particularly had very challenging behaviour and we had lots of flash points, compounded by shitty things dh would do like your dh. I really just had to calmly speak to him while we were away from that flashpoint situation.

The really useful thing here is that you've identified it's an issue and now you just need to work to resolve it. Your dc also know that theyre loved, which is important.

Hi OP,

What have you and your dh done to try and reduce your stress levels?