Are all these arguments affecting our children?

[mywaspname]

Me and my dp have 4 dc. As you can imagine life is very stressful as three of them are under 5 and the eldest is 7. We have started arguing a lot about anything and everything. An example is earlier I was making dinner and dd 2 wanted me to hold her, seeing as dp was just sat reading a paper I snapped and shouted at him to f**king help me he replied by slamming his paper down and swearing back. Then more words got exchanged and I just couldn't believe how it had turned into a big argument. All the dc witnessed what was being said and we both felt terrible after. This is happening daily and I'm so worried it's affecting the dc. I grew up with a lot of arguing and shouting so I probably think it's normal behaviour for adults I always promised myself I wouldn't put my children through the same.

You obviously know it's affecting the children and it will get worse if you don't stop.

In the example you gave, you caused the argument. You should have asked your DD to go and ask daddy, because you're busy cooking, or nicely, without swearing asked your DH if he could do it /help.

Your children will begin to see swearing as everyday vocabulary.

I know you wish he could have stepped in automatically without being asked, but men (some) get engrossed in whatever their doing and need it spelt out.

By shouting and snapping as you did, your DD will see it as her fault the argument started. The behaviour will start making them behave in a similar manner and snap at each other if they are to getting what they want.

You and your DH, need to promise (each other) not to argue in front of the children.... It's scary for a child as you know from personal experience.

I know that feeling too. It's horrible.

Perhaps some individual counselling would help you as well. Google 'low cost counselling services' in your area and you should get a list of places that have reduced fees.

My friend and her DH often have massive rows in front of the children - when I say in front, I mean when the children are in the house so they are fully aware. Occasionally the DH will leave and spend the night at his parents' house to take some of the heat out of it. The kids hate it. Their 16yr old recently stayed with another family member while there was work being done on the house and then refused to go home because of the rows.

That couple would say they have a lot of stress (external pressures) byt the reality is that there is one massive issue between them that they can't address - the elephant in the room if you like- so their stress coalesces around the mundane and day to day stuff and manifests in huge rows that ultimately resolve nothing.

I'm not saying this is your situation OP, but if it is, you need to deal with the big stuff, otherwise you're just being monumentally self-indulgent to the detriment of your DC. Not cool.

Wow, such a lot of judgement on this thread. OP, your only human, we all make mistakes. What is important now is to take steps to change the situation.

Here are some ideas:

1. Communicate! In the example you gave you started the argument because you needed help. He can't read your mind; if you'd said "can you sort the kids while I do this please?" That whole situation would have been avoided. Obviously if there is a back story where your DP isn't pulling his weight that's a different thread.
2. Swear Jar. Stop swearing altogether. However, for the times you do swear, empower your kids to be able to say "thats not ok" and your punishment is putting money in the jar. You'll teach them that bad behaviour has consequences.
3. Plan. Plan everything and get the following day ready the night before. Iron the kids uniforms etc. before bed. Plan your meals so you've got everything ready to cook when you get home etc.
4. Outsource; if affordable get a cleaner and have the shopping delivered.
5. Get Marriage Counselling.
6. When you feel your are about to descend into an argument, stop, and write it down. Have your discussion on paper. It will slow things down and give you both time to think about what your are saying before you say something rash.
7. Talk to your children and listen to them. Ask them how they feel and really take on board what they say. Talk to them about what behaviour is and isn't acceptable and from now on things will be different.
8. Identify sources of stress and brainstorm together what could be done about it.

My parents argued once in a blue moon and I still remember that. So yes it will affect them. But they are young and you can do something about it. Get help.

You said you shouted "fucking help me"

That's a very disrespectful way to speak to him. He returned your disrespect with swearing too.

I'd say your first step is to be polite to each other. Tell him you'd like support/help and ask politely. Agree together that you need to speak respectfully to each other.

mywaspname,

re your comment:-

"This is happening daily and I'm so worried it's affecting the dc. I grew up with a lot of arguing and shouting so I probably think it's normal behaviour for adults I always promised myself I wouldn't put my children through the same."

Unfortunately that was not going to happen readily because your own relationship template was itself warped from childhood. No-one protected you from all this and you grew up thinking this is normal. This affected you markedly and you are now repeating the same patterns with your children. Fortunately for them you have some degree of awareness that this is wrong so there is hope here.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you that verbal violence is the norm here. As you were never given the proper tools to enact real change even though you want change, the same old is repeated. Its going to take you a lot of time and effort to unlearn all the rubbish you were taught about relationships when growing up.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. I would urge you to seek out counselling for your own self to start to undo and unpick all the emotional damage you suffered. It is not going to be easy but it will be worth it and you will feel happier.

I would probably say straight off that it does affect the dc and am a bit shocked you would swear like that at your dh in front of them. Going from a to z in one second shows a lot of stress.
But l do know a couple ..two professionals who met young..who from the outset had that kind of stormy relationship. So everything was out there. Swearing at each other as if it was normal full on.They are now 60 each have a very close marriage..still swearing the odd time....and have raised 3 dc and they are all amazingly together and the whole family is close and very supportive to each other. Maybe it was the fact that the swearing was equal so not one totally abusing the other who was cowed down.
Im not advocating this at all but it is true.
Is your dh helping you?
Could you make a plan that when your cooking he is fully on board helping kids. Do the children see ye make up and apologise to each other?

You've learned your communication methods from your parents. Why couldn't you just say "husband, can you look after 2 yr old please. I can't cook with her climbing on me" or something like that. It doesn't need to be an argument or confrontation. You need to break this cycle before you teach the next generation that this is the way to do things.

Whatever the children experience growing up becomes their 'normal'. They will probably restage something similar in their adult relationships. If you feel you can work on the communication in your relationship then you might also make their experience of conflict and resolution healthier and set them up better for adult life. No-one is perfect though...you're probably only acting out what you learnt about relationships from your own imperfect childhood experience.

You must sort this out OP, I had a breakdown in my 40's because my upbringing was so toxic with swearing and rows, it will affect your kids forever.
You really do need to speak to your husband about this or have some counselling and bringing up 4 children is HARD, it's not difficult for tempers to fray.

Difficult to know how to respond. On the one hand, we all make mistakes, on the other hand it is useless to pretend that something can't be damaging because it was a mistake. A close friend of mine, whose family I knew very well, was brought up by deeply loving parents who also loved each other very dearly. However, their bad habit of constantly bickering has left my friend with tension and anxiety problems which have affected her health. They are still a closely-knit family and she loves her parents deeply, but I don't think there is any question that harm has been done.

Interestingly, though, she has made a very firm commitment to maintaining a more gentle tone in her own household, and has been fortunate enough to find a dh who was on board. I can't see that their family is any less loving or less closely-knit, but it is also a far less exhausting environment to be in.

sit down and have a talk with him, tell him you need help without having to ask him. Sitting and reading the paper while your cooking and dealing with 4 kids isn't ideal is it. You cook, so he occupies the kids. You need to talk so you both know what you expect of each other.