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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexless marriage

53 replies

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 10:03

Hello, I'm new to mumsnet and need help!
I'm 35 and have been married for 2 years (together for 7) my DH is nearly 48.
He is a lovely husband and I love him. He is very kind and yesterday sent me flowers as I was off work sick. He helps around the house and we take good care of each other and I trust him.
So... we've had sex 3 times this year and last year it was 5 so it is getting less. When we met and before we got married it was regular, exciting and spontaneous.

Now the last 3 times we have had sex he only seemed interested in bed with the lights out. And one time I know he only did it because he knew I was feeling sad. (he pretty much implied that and I felt broken)
He is gaining weight but this bothers him and not me.
I still fancy him and I love him but I feel so lonely, unnatractive and undesirable. It's got to the point where I feel awkward naked infront of him when I dress for work etc. It feels like I'm naked infront of my friend.

He comes to bed really late and I think he is avoiding me and/or sex. He sometimes jokingly touches me and giggles but I know it won't go anywhere so I don't respond. I think that's his way of reassuring me but it makes me feel worse.

I have spoken to him about it once before and I told him how I felt and he looked really upset and said he still loved me and fancied me and apologised. He said he would try harder. We still haven't had sex.
I think he knows it's a problem, there's a slight awkward atmosphere but he seems to be avoiding it. I'm really concerned that he's just not interested in sex and this would be a problem as I am! If he's not interested I'm terrified I could potentially have a divorce on my hands. He is lovely in every way and this would be devastating for us both. I would never be unfaithful but I find myself looking at other men as I'm craving physical contact and I feel upset with myself for doing this as my eyes have never wondered since I met him. I'm crying a lot on my own and don't like to look at my body anymore whereas before I liked my appearance naked wobbly bits and all!
Is anyone else having the same problems?

Any advice from experience would be

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 10:05

appreciated. To add I have tried to initiate sex but he says he's tired or not in the mood.

OP posts:

LanaDReye · 25/08/2017 10:07

It would be a deal breaker for me and I would have an honest conversation that I would want to seek external help. Have you asked him why he doesn't want sex?

LanaDReye · 25/08/2017 10:09

Posted before I saw your second post. He has given you excuses not reasons.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/08/2017 10:14

He cannot avoid the very real prospect of you potentially asking him for a divorce in future.

I would tell him that he needs to be completely honest with you here as to why he is avoiding sex and start opening up to you along with professional people (i.e. GP and other types of counsellor) who can help him. Its no reflection on you as a person.

There may be both physical and emotional reasons for which he needs to see the GP and a counsellor. However, he has to want to seek help for his own self. This situation as it stands is untenable and cannot continue in its present form. Unless you are yourself fully willing and able to follow an ultimatum through do not issue one of these. It will lose all its power otherwise.

JK1773 · 25/08/2017 10:19

He needs to know exactly how you feel. He needs to be honest with you about his reasons for not wanting sex so that you can discuss together how/if it can be resolved. It could be any number of reasons but you need to know the truth. Time for a difficult conversation I think

vsg1963 · 25/08/2017 10:32

Sunnyspells I've been where you are, and to a point I still am.
You really need to tell him how this situation is making you feel. In a calm and honest way. Hopefully you will then have some idea what the problem is. Could he have ED? He may be embarrassed and not want to visit the gp. Maybe you could offer to go with him? Maybe he has low libido. Is he on any medication that could cause this? Is he diabetic?

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 10:41

Thank you all for your honest responses. He is not taking any medication nor has he any medical conditions. He has struggled to keep an errection in the past- I haven't taken this personally as I understand his age may be a factor where that's concerned. He says his sex drive is different to mine because he is older but he doesn't seem to have one at all. I am going to speak to him later sensitively. Your advice is very helpful. I never thought about asking GP for help.

OP posts:

SingleYoungMummy · 25/08/2017 10:43

Could it be that he is using pornography excessively? I know in my case my EX used to come to bed late because he would stay up every evening getting off to porn.

In my EX's case he became addicted to pornography and I also suspect he was on the autistic spectrum as he said he didn't like the touch/smell of sex and vaginas. He was also very sensory sensitive with certain textures and smells in other parts of his life.

Are there any other conditions that could be affecting whether or not he wants to have sex? For instance ED or PE?

I would have a serious discussion with him and decide what the best course of action is. In my personal experience it didn't improve (I tried to help our relationship for 3 years) and I began to feel like a shadow of my former self. I have recently started seeing someone new and I cannot express how incredible it is to be desired again.

MoreProseccoNow · 25/08/2017 12:34

OP, I have been in your shoes. It doesn't get any better.

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 13:03

What's happened since @MoreProseccoNow?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 25/08/2017 13:32

Been in your shoes OP except I'm a man. As the others say, it won't get better. It messed up my self esteem something chronic. Get out now.

TheNaze73 · 25/08/2017 14:04

Totally agree with Shatner

Not experienced it myself before but, can't see the point of a sexless relationship. You may as well be flat mates

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2017 14:56

Either your husband commits to fixing this, or your marriage is over. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? This is not a marriage. It won't be long until you are consumed with bitterness and resentment.

theansweris42 · 25/08/2017 15:00

similar here.
I spoke to him about it many times. He said he was sorry and would try so many times but it didn't change.
We've now been to counselling together and things much better.
But he has to know there's a problem and also want to have a sex life and to work on things. We were discussing divorce and he asked would I try counselling - so the impetus was from him.
It's so difficult and I know how you are feeling.

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 16:27

Just had a breakthrough- I think. DH has come home from work early. He sat down with a coffee to wind down and swiped his phone. With that a loud porno groaning ereupted from his phone! My heart sank and is now racing. I asked him about it and he got very embarrassed and has gone upstairs to get changed. Now is my chance when he returns.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 16:29

I find it odd that this has just happened as I posted on here this morning for the first time. I appreciate all of the advice and stories shared

OP posts:

MrsDc7 · 25/08/2017 16:33

Yes you need to grab the bull by the horns, don't let him brush that off

BlueDecor · 25/08/2017 17:29

He might feel that he is too old to be having sex at 48 or he might feel that there's no point in it anymore now that he's had all the kids he's going to have. After the age of 40 sex is not the be all and end all of everything. There are other things to think about.

Namethecat · 25/08/2017 17:43

Have you tried the full on seduction method. He comes home to find you all done up and favourite meal , plenty of alcohol (if that's both your thing ) plenty of touchy feely in the evening with compliments all the way. And then you do something out of the norm to surprise and turn him on and hopefully it's enough to get him going although your probably the one who will have to dtd. And for some posters to say it could be his age - bollocks to that. Me and my oh are 55 and still going strong.

Keepithidden · 25/08/2017 17:46

It could still be his age. DW went off sex after the conception of DC1, 8 years later it hasn't come back. At least that is the message I've had. We're later thirties...

MeMeMeMe123 · 25/08/2017 18:11

Blue I respectfully disagree. 40 is not a 'line in the sand' There are other important things all the way through life.

Name been there and tried that. didnt work.

OP - nip this in the bud one way or another. Its insidious damage and very hard to recover from. Anyone can have an orgasm , so its not the sex per se, rather the refusal to discuss, trust, work with your life partner or spouse that does the real damage.

2 years after separating and im only slightly further on than i was. but thats my fault for being kind and tolerant. More fool me.

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 18:14

I'm sorry I don't agree that over 40 there are "other things to think about"
Sex was traditionally purely for procreation....... in the Victorian era!!!!
I'm only 35 but I believe that people can enjoy a sex life however they choose for the rest of their lives.
Also, I don't think it's healthy if that's the attitude of one person in the relationship. I can accept ED at his age (I have been understanding) but certainly not the non existent sex drive.
As mentioned above I was going to speak to him and as he came downstairs a friend popped round unannounced :( she's still here

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2017 18:18

After the age of 40 sex is not the be all and end all of everything. There are other things to think about.

If that's how you truly feel, that is really fucking sad.

Fathersyros · 25/08/2017 18:19

There are very few people uninterested in sex and as men get older sexual desire is likely to get more concentrated into what actually turns them on. Maybe he's gay, maybe he has an odd fetish. At any rate it's clearly something that needs a very serious conversation.

Original poster

Sunnyspells · 25/08/2017 18:22

I do cook his favourite meals a lot, we eat at the table, I'm very affectionate, I tell him how attractive he is, I light candles etc. I'm a good cook, I think I'm pretty, I make him laugh, I keep a lovely home, I have a good relationship with his daughter (24) we share everything financially, my personal hygiene is good, I keep everything tidy (ahem) I just can't think why he'd watch porn or not want to be with me intimately

OP posts:

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