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Original poster

AIBU that he wants to go skiing with the lads?

37 replies

1morechance · 25/08/2017 09:51

My partner is self-employed and I am employed by a big company so I can take more time off than him. As a result, I have been away with our now 20m daughter on a few trips without him. I would prefer us to go away together but he says he can't take time away from work. He now wants to go away skiing with the lads the winter. I wish he wanted to spend the time he takes off with us - I ski too, and also, I'll really struggle without him to get our little on dropped off and picked up from nursery on time as I work long days. I'll possibly need to take a week off to accommodate him going away.
I did suggest we have a holiday together but he says we can't afford to do both.
AIBU to be upset about this and feel sad that he doesn't want time with us? Or is it reasonable for him to go as I have been away without him in the past?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2017 09:55

I don't consider a ski trip with the lads to be remotely comparable to a break with a toddler

I too would be questioning his priorities. If his leave is limited, he should want to spend it with his family surely ?

fannycraddock72 · 25/08/2017 10:02

I would say you have every right to be pissed off that he's wanting to go away with his mates. I think he needs to get his priorities right.

Holiday with partner and DD
It's hard work looking after kids, Kids need time and attention, they get up early, they have meltdowns, he has to make conversation with you (He maybe good at this one, I'm making assumptions)...

Holiday with the lads
Beer, Beer, Beer, Skiing, Beer, Banter, Beer, Beer, Have a shit, Beer, Beer...

He'll probably make you feel guilty for spoiling his fun, if you could afford to do both then i don't really see a problem with it, but the way you describe your circumstance he needs to get his priorities straight.

MadMags · 25/08/2017 10:06

He's taking the piss.

MadMags · 25/08/2017 10:06

Tell him to look for a decent snow crèche for his toddler while he's on the slopes...

Mrstumbletap · 25/08/2017 10:10

You have been away as you have more holiday, not because you would rather holiday without him.

He is making the choice of friends over family. If he said what about 3 days skiing and a mini break with you that would seem more fair.

How much holiday does he have over the year though, where has it all gone for him to only have one week?

Funko · 25/08/2017 10:13

Why do you need to book a week off to accommodate drop offs/pick ups?

I am a lone parent and in the past when circumstances meant childcare couldn't cover the pick ups I have booked a day/day and a half leave tops and used it in hours. So arrive to work lake/leave early but completely legit as holiday.

Or could you work from home either end of the day?

TatianaLarina · 25/08/2017 10:14

So the one point he takes some time off he goes on holiday with someone else?

If he can manage to make the time to go with them why can't he be free for you?

Ttbb · 25/08/2017 10:15

No, he doesn't seem to have cottonned on to the fact that he's a dad or a lad.

LittleMissBrainy · 25/08/2017 10:16

Having done a week away with a toddler by myself last month. (Hubby honestly had the best intentions, thought it would be relaxing for us, I didn't think it would be as hard as it was Confused) I can categorically state that it is not comparable to a skiing holiday with 'the lads'. The week away with toddler alone was relaxing or all that fun at all! Skiing (well snowboarding in my case) without a toddler is mega fun and very relaxing!

I would tell him of course he can go, so long as you get your skiing holiday also with your friends whilst he stays home and looks after your DD. Fair's fair?

jeaux90 · 25/08/2017 10:17

I think you need to be able to do both.

But if he can't then family is the priority. Can he go just for a few days with the guys perhaps on the agreement that you also book a family one?

Hermonie2016 · 25/08/2017 10:21

I agree he should be prioritising a family holiday but also accept people have different ways of re-energising.Is he generally a good and supportive partner?

Its likely you both need a break, to recharge batteries, what type of break would work for you? If you can work towards this then perhaps you would feel his skiing trip is more equitable.

I would also suggest you and him plan a family holiday as it's very important to prioritise your relationship..he may just be thinking of himself (needing downtime) which if he works long hours may be a necessity.Only you can judge if he is being completely selfish.

Original poster
1morechance · 25/08/2017 10:21

Mrstumbletap - His leave starts in Jan so he'll have other time to take later in the year but I really struggle to get him to commit to time off. He's self employed so takes timer off when business is quiet i.e Dec/Jan.

Funko - I don't have that kind of flexibility with work. I leave at 6.15am to get there for a 7.30am start which is non-negotiable. Nursery opens at 8.

Littlemissbrainy - I agree but don't have anyone to go on a ski holiday with as all my friends do family holidays

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 25/08/2017 10:57

You say he works hard all year round and generally drops your toddler to nursery and picks up each day. A fun week skiing with his mates isn't a lot to ask once a year. You should want him to have fun. Presumably he spends evenings and weekends with the family - quality time can be any day of the week. In an ideal world he'd only want to spend his holidays with you....but that might make him boring?? Maybe aim to get him more time off by re-jigging finances instead and plan a break together too.

Original poster
1morechance · 25/08/2017 11:33

DianaT1969 - He does work hard and he is a good partner. We don't spend evenings and Saturdays together due to his work commitments. We can afford for him to work less but he chooses to put in the hours he does. It's his business and he wants to see it succeed.
Of course I want him to have fun which why I am unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/08/2017 11:37

So your family life together is pretty minimal? Just Sundays?

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 11:43

Isn't the obvious solution that you both go on the same skiing holiday, and use the crèche? Mix and match family time with mates time.

It's hard to get a good balance of still doing things with friends when time and money is limited.

I don't think he's automatically being unreasonable. My boyfriend went skiing without me last year - I could go as I needed to save my holiday for my child. Not his, so a different situation - but in principle, I don't have an issue with some separate trips.

I'd very much judge this in the wider scheme of your relationship.

Msqueen33 · 25/08/2017 11:44

@DianaT1969 so OP should also get some time to herself?

Personally if you can do both great but it sounds like you can't and he'd rather go skiing.

I went away with my three dc last year as my dh changed jobs so had no holiday and it was tiring. Two have autism and although I had someone to help my husband with weekends included had 5 days to himself. I won't get the same in return.

I think he's being a selfish git. He's using annual leave to sod off with the lads.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 11:44

Oh and if he works more hours for money that you don't need then absolutely that could be spent on you all skiing together, or a second holiday as a family, or on a babysitter whilst he is away who can do the nursery runs.

MoreProseccoNow · 25/08/2017 12:39

Another selfish tosser..... How depressing. He'd rather spend time on a lads holiday or working than with his family.

mogulfield · 25/08/2017 12:41

I was ready to come on here and say let him go, as I went skiing without my DS and DH. BUT I get loads of time off and family holidays were a priority and DH goes off and does his thing as well.
As others have said, snow crèche for your child it is!

DianaT1969 · 25/08/2017 13:02

MSQUEEN I think that nurturing friendships outside of a relationship is healthy and that in an ideal world he'd be able to go on a mates ski week without an issue, or his partner feeling neglected or resentful. Plenty of relationships with young children seem to break up because people feel they've lost their identity or freedom. He seems to pull his weight. If he had bundles of holiday and had used them all selfishly then I'd agree with you.
Just seeing it from his angle, that he spends time with his child and family everyday but should try to work another holiday for his family into his work schedule somehow.

Original poster
1morechance · 25/08/2017 13:12

DianaT1969 - yes, totally agree about nurturing friendships. Thank you. I am feeling conflicted and this has helped see things in another way.

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 25/08/2017 13:23

I was ready to say that you were unreasonable based on your title but if he is using his only leave to go away with friends I think I would be upset too.

DH gets less leave than me but he goes away for a week skiing with friends then 3 weeks with us (I also go away a week with my friends), he generally can't take xmas off if he does this but that's fine as it's only 3 days and I have family around.

I'm a little bit on the fence as I do think time with friends is important and I think you should be able to figure out getting your child to and from nursery without him but it's the lack of him being available to spend his time off with you that I find difficult.

Msqueen33 · 25/08/2017 13:26

@DianaT1969 oh I totally see your point of view in that you can lose yourself and identity when you have kids. But it sounds like a lot of hours go into his business and the only holiday he's taking is to go skiing with his mates. I've got three and two have autism and I've completely lost my identity. Do I think it would be fair to go on holiday and leave my dh with the kids? Probably only if he got the same in return.

fruitbrewhaha · 25/08/2017 14:13

Are the rest of his friends families on board?
Have you suggested you all go together? If the other lads bring families you could get a chalet, share childcare costs etc. They could still have a night or more out on the razz. You might separate into groups for different runs etc.

It kind of sounds like to doesn't want to spend any time with you or DD.

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