Oh FFS. This makes me angry. I'll get to what in a minute. But first MadameZ for GOD'S sake stay the feck on the threads you frequent that advise people to have kinky sex in open relationships and NOT ones that are posted by people in monogamous one-to-one relationships who are feeling vulnerable about something sex-related which is NOT in ANY way their own fault!
I find it really bloody annoying when I see people smugly saying over and over again "all men look at porn.. it's natural/normal/if you have a problem with it then you have a lot of self esteem issues and therefore YOU are the one with the problem, NOT him!"
Let't get one thing straight there.. in a relationship, if EITHER partner persists in doing ANYTHING avoidable that upsets the other half to such a great degree then THAT PERSON is most definitely the one with problem.. and is CAUSING a problem for their partner!
YES! Men (and often women) will look at porn.. it's normal.. they are curious.. they like to have wank fodder.. blardy blardy blah.. but IF this habit of their leads them onto sites which enable them to look up potential f*ck buddies or similar (and it often does.. this is the nature of the internet more's the pity.. SO much more than a soft porn mag), this is NOT the same thing.. it is enough to crush the once-fine self respect of a great many (arguably MOST?!) usually-self confident women into the ground for a good long time. Expecting those women to go do an assertive class is NOT going to help them feel jolly about their relationship again!
Maybe you have to have HAD your confidence stamped into the ground in this way to truly understand.. but people should try NOT to just say "get over it.. porn it normal/part of life.."; this is not productive or supportive, especially when the poster has been suffering and DEALING with depression. She should NOT have to deal with the knowledge of her DH's (even passing) interest in looking up fuck buddies (even if he had no intention of acting on it which chances are he probably did not!), much less be told to "deal with it"! Sermons about not "policing" people's actions and activies is crap advice as well.. do you think women WANT to live like this? They get driven to it against their will be having their life partner (because most of us choose to relate to ONE partner at a time [hmm) screw with their heads if not with other women as their (understandbly!) grow to live in fear that he might want to!
howthehelldoidealwiththis.. the key to dealing with this is communication. (And sorry for the outburst but I have held it in a long time!). TELL DP that you CAN'T and WON'T deal with him surfing those kinds of buddy sites. And that of course, he is free to do as he pleases, it is entirely up to him how he chooses to conduct himself, but that doing so is not conducive to a relationship with you because of how it makes you feel. That is YOUR perogative and it's not unreasonable at all.
Looking at a "bit of online porn" is of course not the same thing and does not have to be harmful to a relationship at all, but the fact is that SOME men (happily- married ones at that often, and for no good reason) allow themselves to be distracted by all the other offers in the "area" that the WWW can provide.. and sadly, once that has happened, not many partners can feel that relaxed about letting them get on with their porn viewing. It's not that hard to work out why, although you'd think it was from the blase replies that these threads always attract.
((Hugs)) to you.. talk to him.. stop panicking and communicate. It will most likely be ok.