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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner grabbed and shook me

71 replies

QuietAsAMouse1 · 24/08/2017 23:03

We have been bickering all day at each other. And yes I do push his buttons, I'm really not all that innocent. We had a fall out because of a third party and to cut a long story short I felt like he didn't stick up for me.
Anyway we went to sleep in separate beds and I got so mad and started shouting abuse through the wall. He ended up getting up and storming into the bedroom I was in. He came to the bed (it's dark so couldn't see his facial expressions) and went ballistic, I laid there realising I had wound him up so went quiet. He then got angrier and got right in my face and ended up loosing it. He shook me over and over again whilst shouting. He let go got up and punched the wardrobe. I got up and went to the corner of the room and begged him to calm down. He came at me again I honestly thought he was going to hit me.
He then packed his stuff and said he was going to leave. I begged him to stay and he admitted he had lost it and that if he stayed he would do something he would regret.
I feel like this is all my fault I really did press his buttons.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuietAsAMouse1 · 25/08/2017 22:14

She was in her room - fast asleep.
I feel it's so hard to leave someone. But your all correct I need to leave him for everyone's sake

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/08/2017 22:17

If you're at the point of snarling through the wall them it's over. Don't be a selfish person and think of yourself and your 'love' when you have a child.

You lose the right to think of yourself and what you think you need when you start to procreate.

There's no love here, people who love each other don't behave like this.

QuietAsAMouse1 · 25/08/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 25/08/2017 22:20

It sounds like a toxic relationship. You don't sound "so in love" with each other at all - you're not in an Eminem video. You sound immature and melodramatic, and I feel very sorry for your little girl who has to live with this. What on earth are you teaching her about life when you're shouting abuse through walls, and shaking people, and punching wardrobes?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2017 22:21

@QuietAsAMouse1 you need anger management and to work out WTF is going on with your emotions. There was absolutely no need to write a post like that to @gamerchick but you chose to. Same as you chose to scream through the wall at your partner with a baby in the house.

Sort your shit out. You're a mother now.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2017 22:22

If you're going to stay together and then you both need couples counselling.

You were both at fault in this situation.

Unless you live in a mansion and the baby was in the guest wing, your shouting could have woken her up.

MorrisZapp · 25/08/2017 22:24

Do you have social services involvement in your family? This is a horrific environment for a baby.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 · 25/08/2017 22:26

"Yes it is a toxic relationship" yet you have a sixteen week old baby and I'm assuming she was in the room??? God why do people have children that clearly aren't grown up enough to fucking co-habbitate with a spouse without pushing each other's buttons! Fucks me off!

Mulch · 25/08/2017 22:26

What a horrible life for a baby. that's not love.

Mulch · 25/08/2017 22:26

What a horrible life for a baby. that's not love.

GoldenOrb · 25/08/2017 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 25/08/2017 22:29

Well if you want to talk about my sex life...... I'm not obliging Wink

You have massive anger issues and that is a toxic environment for children. If your neighbours report your 'arguments' you won't get away speaking to a social worker in your charming tones like that.

You don't have a good relationship.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 · 25/08/2017 22:37

Sorry she was in her own room? At sixteen weeks old.. Okay good one

NoMoreDecorating · 25/08/2017 22:39

Hmm that poor baby.

icecreamgirl1 · 26/08/2017 00:49

I don't know if this will help but he sounds similar to my husband.

There have been a few times we've been arguing so badly about something and he doesn't want to talk anymore but I'm not finished so I've hounded him until I get a reaction...that reaction usually being making him so angry that he has shaken my shoulders and had to leave the house to avoid losing control.

I don't think this is domestic abuse because i know how badly I've provoked him...like poking an angry bear until it bites you!

I think it stems from him being somebody who likes to avoid conflict / talking things through, and me having abandonment issues.

We still have the odd bad argument like this from time to time but we've talked this pattern through and I have asked my husband not to shut me out and he's asked me to give him more space when he asks for it...so sometimes if I don't feel the argument has reached it's conclusion but he does, we agree in the moment that I'll leave him alone but we'll talk it through after work the next day when we've both calmed down....

I think talking when you're both calm and trying to both take action on how to improve the situation can help. Unlike some people I don't think that you should give up on you relationship because of it..unless of course the violence continues / escalates.

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 26/08/2017 00:53

You've acknowledged that this relationship is toxic - please end it. Will be so much better for your baby in the long run.
Read up affects on a child caused by domestic abuse in the household. I never realised it could contribute to developmental delay etc. Speaking from personal experience here - feel free to message me.
Please take on board all the advice that you've had on this thread so far.

Zvandelle · 26/08/2017 01:16

I imagine you (both) feel terrible about this. I'm not going to try and shame you, or make you feel like a awful person/mother. You two clearly have some anger issues that need sorting out. Try to sort it. Get as much help as you can, both of you. Shit happens, no point bludgeoning yourself with guilt, learn from it - really, really don't let this ever happen again- by acquiring the tools to work through your anger issues. Together or separately. Please don't let this go. I really hope you work it out, but if your relationship is so volatile, you may have to parent separately? Not one of you should have to live in this situation.

JiminyBillyBob · 26/08/2017 01:24

What a pair. You sound well matched. Poor baby.

MsWanaBanana · 26/08/2017 07:48

Gamerchick go fuck yourself you have no idea what this situation is like If you have this kind of reaction when someone is giving you their opinion, which you asked for btw, then you have issues. Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible. Just concentrate on yourself and your baby and become a better person. You have anger issues. Adress them

IDoDaChaCha · 26/08/2017 08:20

You lose the right to think of yourself and what you think you need when you start to procreate. 100% correct.

Alittlepotofrosie · 26/08/2017 08:45

I could cry for that poor poor little baby stuck in the middle of this bullshit. She's got no chance of learning about what its like to live in a happy harmonius house while this is going on. Gamerchick said what i want to say but they were more polite than me. Poor bloody child deserves better. You need anger management.

scottishdiem · 26/08/2017 09:39

Well it is domestic abuse.

As soon as its physical hands on stuff its physical domestic abuse and you had to retreat to a corner and he hit furniture. There is a line at thats crossing it.

I will leave you OP to decide on the mutual verbal abuse and button pushing. If you want to continue to abuse him in that way then and then he abuses you that way and physically back then its not a relationship at all. Shouting abuse through a wall is not a relationship either.

You either both need a lot of counselling or you both need to leave each other.

Duckhead · 26/08/2017 12:34

All because you felt he didn't stick up for you? Obviously we don't know what happened but what we do know doesn't put you in a very good light I'm afraid. I'm not suggesting he was right in what he did but you pushed for a reaction and got one. I'm glad he had the sense to take himself out of the situation.

FuckYouLinda · 26/08/2017 12:53

My ex was like you.

We would argue and he would follow me around our house and scream in my face for hours. I would try to disengage and go off to another room to escape the verbal torrent of abuse.
Then he'd call me all sorts through the door. If I left the house, he'd follow me around and do the same. It was relentless. Even when I agreed with him that yes, I was somehow responsible for his imagined slight and yes, I did deserve to be called a cunt and a whore and accused of all sorts he never let up.

And finally after hours of this, when I'd not be then able to get more than a couple of hours sleep and I was backed up against a wall with him screaming inches from my face, I finally gave him what he really wanted. I pushed him away from me. So he would be triumphant then because "I" was the abusive one for pushing his chest away in self defence.

That's what you wanted isn't it? To be told that you are 'hard work' but that he's worse? That he's the abusive one? No, I think his actions were less than stellar but you weren't letting him leave the argument as he has every right to do.

You both need to split up for the sake of your daughter.

ShatnersWig · 26/08/2017 13:07

I'm really not all that innocent

No, you certainly aren't.

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