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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm getting very annoyed...

44 replies

cailisto · 24/08/2017 21:07

Ok - I know the title of the thread doesn't say much, but I couldn't think of a way to word this succinctly.

Basically I'm getting very very pissed off with my in-laws/husband and the whole 'everything is shared in a marriage'.

Whilst I know that's the case legally, I'm finding it very irritating because all of our nice things; all of the money; the car have come from my family. We've had nothing from them and all he's brought to the table have been debts (which the in-laws didn't want to discuss as being 'shared' when I mentioned them...)

They seem to be upping their vocalisation of this as we are having issues and I'm getting very close to calling it quits (but trying to make it work).

Luckily most of this stuff has been done via trusts; car still in my parent's names so I know that's covered (and I don't mind splitting the rest), but the whole 'it's shared' thing is really grating as I would have had all of that on my own if I'd stayed single.

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/08/2017 21:10

Protect yourself financially. Nothing worse than being dragged down financially on entering a marriage.

MusicToMyEars800 · 24/08/2017 21:10

I don't have any useful advice, hopefully there will be someone come along who does Smile
But I just wanted to say I would probably feel the same if I were in your situation.

Original poster
cailisto · 24/08/2017 22:33

That's exactly it. I really don't want to screw him over but if the worse came to the worse, I don't feel my family should be screwed over just because they've done financially better for themselves (background - both sets of parents from similar backgrounds but my dad worked bloody hard and created his own business, from which he did well)

How do I protect myself financially? Every single big input of money (£20k here; £5k there) has been from my family. Car; computers; etc etc.

Part of me feels that I'm bloody entitled to them as I'd have them irrespective of my marital status, but I'm a realist and I know life doesn't work that way.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/08/2017 22:40

If your parents can prove that they bought the items then you could say that the items are theirs and you are borrowing them, so if you split up then you return them to your parents. If they gave you cash and you spent it without a loan agreement then you can't retrospectively say it is yours not your husband's.

The easiest way to make it fair is to stop taking any more cars or money.

Why are your in-laws involved in any of this at all? Did you ask them for cash and they refused?

Why has DH got debts anyway?

RebornSlippy · 24/08/2017 22:45

Not to be unoriginal... If this was posted by a man it'd be fucked off the board. Unless you mean his parents are personally trying to claim a stake on your money? Actually, yeah, I'm confused. What exactly are you talking about, OP? Was money gifted to you after marriage and used for large purchases?

RebornSlippy · 24/08/2017 22:46

Glad to hear you're a realist though. That's pretty much where you need to be. You're married. We hear it day in day out here. In the event of a divorce, assets will be divided fairly between both spouses. Which is welcomed when the spouse is the wife it seems. I'm interested to see what way this thread will go now the shoe's on the other foot.

1DAD2KIDS · 24/08/2017 22:59

RebornSlippy not sure is fairly is the right term (depending on view point), it's more to do with a no blame 50/50 split in law. Although there are other factors that can be taken into account but these are mainly to do when children are involved. This is one of the pitfalls of what can happen when you enter the legal contract of marriage. I think why many people are turning their back on it these days.

1DAD2KIDS · 24/08/2017 23:03

But you wouldn't be the first to fall in love and let romanticism lead you into the dodgy contract that is marriage. In marriage when you make them vows you literally put your money where your mouth is (at least in terms of most marriage vows)

Original poster
cailisto · 24/08/2017 23:40

Money has been gifted after marriage and use for a mixture of large purchases/house things.
In-laws just piped up with it the other day. They know we've had problems and I think it's MIL trying to protect her boy. I get that but she's not looking at the bigger picture where he brought significant debts into it all.
He had debts because he's a prat! Much more sorted now!

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 24/08/2017 23:51

I'dliok after my own financial security.
I wouldn't allow either set of parents input into my marriage financially. I would neither discuss it nor accept money.

Fishface77 · 24/08/2017 23:51

*I'd look

Original poster
cailisto · 24/08/2017 23:57

Well, in our marriage we've had financial help. Some has been from my parents and some has been via inheritance.
Anyway. Advice would be really appreciated as he's behaving like a dick. Again.

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 25/08/2017 00:03

cailisto just because the money has been gifted don't assume it would not be up for grabs in a divorce. Same as any inheritance money etc. The law is very simplistic in this mater. It is seen as a shared pot which ever side of the family it came from and to which ever individual it was given to. It may not seem fair (as for most it isnt) but this is how it is. Something to consider if your contemplating a divorce. In the light of day marriage is a foolish contract when you think about it.

OutToGetYou · 25/08/2017 00:06

Actually inheritances can be kept outside marriage if they go in a sole account. They are a bit different to other assets.

Original poster
cailisto · 25/08/2017 00:07

It really is, isn't it.
So annoying that he may end up well off even though he doesn't deserve it (things I can't go into, but believe me - he's a very callous person when he's at his best)

I would love to try and make it work but I'm becoming very aware that that might be pointless. So I'm going to have to be realistic and crack on with getting my ducks in a row, just in case.

Anyone know where I start??

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 25/08/2017 00:08

Sorry as to help I not sure if there is much I can help with this. As you are a straight forward couple I believe it's pretty much 50/50. You are not the first to get stung in divorce. You may just have to lick you wounds at the end of it and put it downbto experiance.

Original poster
cailisto · 25/08/2017 00:08

I won't be marrying again. That's for sure.

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 25/08/2017 00:10

It's not justice but money is everything and maybe your happiness trumps the financial hit that you'll take.

Many of us have learnt the hard way. Good loucl

1DAD2KIDS · 25/08/2017 00:10

Isnt* (stupid smart phone)

Original poster
cailisto · 25/08/2017 00:11

I'd love to be happy. Feels like a really long time since I've properly been like that.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 25/08/2017 00:13

Any children op? If not, and you feel like you want to cut and run, give zero fucks and do just that.
Anything in joint names? Mortgage, credit cards?

FastWindow · 25/08/2017 00:14

God, so would I.

Original poster
cailisto · 25/08/2017 00:15

Children and joint mortgage :(

OP posts:
Original poster
cailisto · 25/08/2017 00:15

Otherwise I'd have been gone ages ago.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 25/08/2017 00:16

Feel your pain, then Sad

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