I'm getting very annoyed...

[cailisto]

Ok - I know the title of the thread doesn't say much, but I couldn't think of a way to word this succinctly.

Basically I'm getting very very pissed off with my in-laws/husband and the whole 'everything is shared in a marriage'.

Whilst I know that's the case legally, I'm finding it very irritating because all of our nice things; all of the money; the car have come from my family. We've had nothing from them and all he's brought to the table have been debts (which the in-laws didn't want to discuss as being 'shared' when I mentioned them...)

They seem to be upping their vocalisation of this as we are having issues and I'm getting very close to calling it quits (but trying to make it work).

Luckily most of this stuff has been done via trusts; car still in my parent's names so I know that's covered (and I don't mind splitting the rest), but the whole 'it's shared' thing is really grating as I would have had all of that on my own if I'd stayed single.

Sorry for the rant!

Ages?

Yes, ages. We have had issues in the past. They get kind-of resolved, but it all creeps back in and goes worse. He's been particularly bad for the past couple of years and I'm not sure how much more 'trying' I can do.

In my experience divorce won't make you happy. Sadly it is no silver bullet. But then neither is marriage by the sounds of it. At least in divorce you'll have the freedom to at least try find that happiness. But if there is one bit of advise that happiness has to come from you and you alone. Once you found that then look for someone equally happy in them self to share it with. An the reality is that happiness you seek may be 10 years down the line, it may be never. But if your 100% sure you'll never find it in your current marriage and this is not acceptable to you then it's time to at least leave and give it a shot. Just remember tyre happiness comes from with in, not look to other people to bring you happiness (likewise don't hang round with dicks).

He's actually reached a massive new low tonight.

Didn't realise you had children. That is a complete game changer and complicates things. In divorce money follows the kids.

Good advice. I'm going to try and sleep and ignore the awful comments that he keeps coming upstairs and saying to me. It's not nice. Thank you, everyone.

Bloody hell. Good luck to you and your sleep. Sounds like if nothing more you could do with some space.

No. Ages, of the dc.?

He had debts because he's a prat! Much more sorted now!

You shouldn't have married him when he had debts but I guess you know that now.

I think you will need to take legal advice if you want to try and ring fence some of the money but generally, once married it gets shared fairly reasonably.

"Luckily most of this stuff has been done via trusts; car still in my parent's names so I know that's covered (and I don't mind splitting the rest), but the whole 'it's shared' thing is really grating as I would have had all of that on my own if I'd stayed single. "

Well, if most is in trusts or other people's names and you "don't mind" splitting the rest - just get on with the divorce. Ignore the in laws.

First step - tell him.

Then see a solicitor who will probably advise that you go for 'unreasonable behaviour' so you may as well start listing some examples before you see them. Also get all your financial details up to date, on a spreadsheet and key documents in a folder, and all your passports somewhere only you can get them.

Who is primary child carer, what are the children's ages (I did laugh at the 'do you have children?', 'yes', 'ages?', 'yes, ages' exchange, sorry!). What are your respective earnings?

Well i mean no offence but I dont see you're "entitled to" or "deserving of it" any more than he is. Ypur dad built up a business, you didnt. Why didnt you both use your own money yo buy a car, computer, etc?

I think it is a little mean spirited to be honest. His debts arent your problem. But i dont see why it should irritate you to be sharing nice things you've bought with your dads money.

Sorry if I wasn't very with it last night - I'm not 100% well and he was being awful, which was very upsetting.

The children are very young and I'm the primary caregiver. I earn about half his wage as I went part-time for childcare reasons.

I would usually agree that he should be able to enjoy the things bought with my dad's money, but when all he really brings to the table are debts and when he tends to spend his wage on himself/alcohol, I'm finding it very hard to feel that he should enjoy things when he's frittering away money left, right and centre.

It's a horrible situation.

We could have quite a nice, comfortable life if he didn't spend in the way he does - but I'm constantly scratching around for money. I know that sounds strange when I've said my Dad has paid for things, but those aren't everyday money (more things like new windows; house improvements).

I'd happily use my own money to buy stuff if there was any left after bills/mortgage/food. But there's not as he spends all the extra on himself.

Sounds like you will have more money after he's gone.

I think you should end it. He's not bringing anything to your life. You deserve to be happy.

Of you have young DC, and you're primary carer, you'll probably keep the house, at least more than 50% of it.

I'd suggest you crack on with the divorce, before he pisses more of your father's money away on alcohol.

There are two separate issues here, the state of your relationship and the state of your family finances.

By marrying your H, you did in fact make a decision to share some tiypes of finances. If you want to separate finances then you have some thinking to do and actions to make. Handwringing won't change anything.

TBH I think your parents have more of a right to be pissed off because they are essentially bank rolling their daughters decision to stay with a feckless man.

You have a house together, and kids, and have made presumably joint decisions about part time working. It really is too late to be thinking in terms of "my parents paid for those new windows". You'd be pretty fucked off if he started saying "my higher salary gave you part time working" wouldn't you?
You got married, you created one financial pot. I think the best thing you can do is remind yourself that you chose to make that decision at the time. By all means go for as big a share as you can in the divorce settlement, but don't be bitter about a choice you already made.
Even with regards to things like replacement windows - everyone knows that marriage isn't guaranteed - your parents gifted those windows to your joint property, to your marriage, with that knowledge. We all make the decision we're happy with at the time - it's far better to make your peace with yourself on that and move forward.

Go and see a solicitor to get the divorce ball rolling.
And tell your PIL that you're not happy to discuss your finances.

You just need to crack on with separation. The debts/gifts thing is a side issue. When you marry, you agree to share finances. I think you probably have very real difficulties with him, but it doesn't reflect well on you to be trying to claw back what has been gifted to you both. We all live and learn in that respect. It sounds like you already had significant concerns and these proved well-founded.