How to deal with intimidation, emotional abuse, and bullying

[DadOctave]

Last night I tried to stick my heels in the ground regarding that I wanted 50/50 care of the DC and I didn't want to move out of the family home.

My (ex) DW exploded and managed her usual beat-down that somehow ended up with me apologising for it all..... ffs (two way road, and she was the one who had an affair even though I freely admit, that as things had been so bad I'd had those thoughts myself... I just never actioned them)

It's awful, things are meant to be amicable, we're meant to be going on a family Holiday on Saturday, I don't want to go, but if I don't she'll go with the kids herself and give her a huge pile of bullets to fire at me.

I am feeling incredibly low, hollow and burnt out this morning. I swear she is also mildly gas-lighting me and taking advantage of the fact I am on Sertraline for depression and anxiety.

There is an overall pretence of friendliness and the rest of the time everything is normal and balanced, but typically as so often throughout our marriage when things aren't going her way, out comes a horrible, vindictive nasty side that beats me down emotionally into tears.

my RL friends and family have said I need to stick my heals in more, and I am seeing a solicitor week after next, but amongst all this conflict I want things to be a smooth and stress free as possible for my DC (and for myself) but if I continue to be a push-over, I think it will destroy me.

I %$king hate the phrase 'man up' , my dad always told me to be a 'tough guy' but never %$^%$ing told me how. and all that fills me with rage. I want to be positive and assertive, but I get caught every time, beaten down and steam rollered.

I definitely feel now that although she wears the same face, this person is definitely not my wife, and I am finding it increasingly hard to be 'friends' whilst this goes on.

I need more constructive advice than 'fuck her' or 'man up' or 'go see your solicitor' I get all that shit.

wtf do I do when the fucking monster comes out.

When I was bullied in school, my only way to deal with it was to completely shut off and close out the offenders and ignore them. This is somewhat difficult when I need to stay in the same house, stay amicable (even if she isn't) and do the best for the kids.

Well. This is really hard. When I was splitting with my abusive narc ex I had to stay in the same house until I moved out with my dd a few months later.

The strategy I deployed then and the following year whilst I had to negotiate my way out of the country was to remain calm and factual at all times.

I would not respond emotionally to anything. I would repeat myself calmly. When he got angry I would remain calm and not react. I didn't back down though. I would repeat.

I had to do this for my own well being and also so at no point could I be called unreasonable. I actually saw a therapist to help me through this bit and apart from telling me to run and don't look back, this is what she told me to do.

I hope you have had legal advice. X

You need to start detaching as whatever you envision wining is, means your children lose. They lose by having you consumed by the destructiveness of your dysfunctional relationship dynamic with your STBEX and by the toxic effect that that dysfunctional relationship dynamic has on their environment.

Whatever ammunition you think your wife will accrue by you not going on holiday, will be dwarfed by the horrible atmosphere that will occur by two people who can't stand each other, pretending (and probably failing) to play happy families.

You suffer from anxiety and depression, medication can only go so far, you should also be avoiding situations that exacerbate your conditions where ever possible.

Digging your heels in isn't a winning strategy against someone whose prepared to sink to lower than you.

Don't go on the holiday, do speak to a solicitor and stop taking advice from friends who might mean well but whose advice, don't fully take into consideration your current MH limitations and the emotional impact that an escalation could have on your children's mh.

Whenever you feel the need to engage, do the opposite, confrontations need more than one participant.

Detach, detach, detach.

Above all else I want my kids to 'win'

Excellent post ISETAN

Perhaps it might be more helpful for you not to go on the holiday - of course explain to the dc why - but you might find it really helps with redefining yourself. It's really hard to be yourself when you've been subject to continued stress and bullying.

If you do decide to go maybe work out who will spend what days with your dc and on your days alone consider what might be helpful to begin to increase your self esteem? For women there is the freedomprogramme but you can do this course online - no one will know your not a woman and you might find it helpful.

*you're. oops.

Whenever you feel the need to engage, do the opposite, confrontations need more than one participant. Detach, detach, detach

100% this!

You can't win an argument with these manipulative types. I've seen my brother go through something very similar to you and your ex wife. She seemed like the perfect wife material for 20 years, to the outside world she was whiter than white and my brother enabled this and also defended her, kept her abuse (emotional) quiet. He also said there were times she became physical.

I don't really know where to start with your post, it's like my brother could have posted it.

DW exploded and managed her usual beat-down that somehow ended up with me apologising for it all
My brother said exactly the same. His ex wife was going out to meet the OM, this was only a few days after my brother discovered her affair, he confronted her about how she could be so insensitive, couldn't she see he was it bits. In the end he ended up apologising to her.

When things aren't going her way, out comes a horrible
Typical manipulative/narc behaviour, she knows you hate confrontation and uses this against you. Don't be frightened to stand up to her, that doesn't mean arguing with her, ignore her, detach. she'll no doubt rage over the fact you have disengaged from her. Keep at it though. It's called "Grey Rock" technique, google it, it works.

Solicitor
you've got a solicitor, great. I hope they are good solicitor that can fight your corner, your ex has no respect for you or what you want. Spend the money on a solicitor if you have to, it may cost a lot but could save you thousands more in the long run. My brothers ex told him that they should try and settle without solicitors, he tried this doesn't work with manipulative people. His ex raged when she things weren't going her way, again prepare yourself for more anger and rage from your ex if things go down this route.

mildly gas-lighting me and taking advantage of the fact I am on Sertraline for depression and anxiety
Theres no such thing as mild gas-lighting, again classic narc behaviour. Trust your gut.

I definitely feel now that although she wears the same face, this person is definitely not my wife, and I am finding it increasingly hard to be 'friends' whilst this goes on
She wears a mask, The person you thought she was is a lie. Don't be her friend!!! It's all about Her image. She wants to maintain a facade to the outside world that things are OK between you.."See we are still friends, despite me being a cheating bitch".

Do people know what she's done or have you kept it between you for the time being?

wtf do I do when the fucking monster comes out
Detach, ignore, grey rock

When I was bullied in school
Your ex is a bully, she's no different to those people at school

Go to this website..www.chumplady.com
read all you can about narcissism, covert narcissism, manipulative people. Read all you can, watch you tube videos dadsurvivingdivorce on youtube might help you.

You will get through this, you need to be strong, you need to be prepared to go outside your comfort zone. Your kids will win if you get out of this marriage, get back to who you are, trust me you can do it. My brother is in such a better place, he looks great, he's off any medication, he's healthy, he's the brother i used to know.

NEVER GIVE UP

Sorry for the typos and bad grammar, but this has hit a nerve and triggered the anxiety I felt when I witnessed my brother went through exactly the same.

is the family holiday in UK?

Would it be possible to split the holiday with your wife having some days and then you tag team with her and do the other half and she gets a few days on her own? This is more if your DC know you are splitting up of course.

I can not recommend detachment enough when dealing with an abusive bully.

Thank you all of you for your advice, sorry to have triggered anxiety @FannyCraddock72 , everything you've said is really helping, and the links and info will prove invaluable I'm sure.

Your first paragraph described a lot of my life here. She did actually punch me during a row a long time ago, I've never laid a hand on her in 10 years.

Holiday is overseas.

Off to chill with my kids now whilst she is out getting drunk with her friend (girl)

Don't apologise, but do go to www.chumplady.com read peoples stories, join the forum, read her book. Like my brother I've been through cheating and a marriage breakup, her site is excellent.

You're getting some excellent advice on here OP. Please take note.

What isetan said. Absolutely!

Yeah this is all brilliant, I've shown it to my mates and family, they all agreed it's spot on.

I know I've said this before in the OM visit thread about calling some more solicitors to shop around/get a feel, I lunched that so will sort a few more tomorrow.

I think I will go on the hol. I'm a lot more primed from the advice here and RL folks. Grey Rock seems a definite win if it kicks off, will try my best to be strong.

Btw only v close family and friends know the full extent, her family and close friends know, the impression I get is general disapproval or fence sitting, which has upset her, she said she feels like it's just her and OM against the world and tbh I think that may not be far from the truth... But I am not one to gloat, I am simply surviving

OP. She is bullying you. It's not about manning up. You are not being weak, you are being strong because you are putting the needs of your children above your own and you are trying to be decent, honourable and adult about a terrible situation which is not of your making (even though you seem determined to take your share of the blame!)

However, you do need to get a job done- ie; end this relationship and you need tools to do this;
1 proper legal advice
2 RL support
3 perhaps counselling if you don't already have it to support the medication you are taking
4 an armoury of techniques like 'grey rock' that others have suggested.

I think you also may need to come to terms with the fact that you may not be able to do this nicely or kindly because she is these qualities that you have to manipulate you.

She is physically and emotionally abusive and so,inevitably, she is not going to give in quietly.

Fighting for what you and your children need and deserve may mean that you are going to have to employ, through legal means, approaches that are more aggressive than you are used to.

Not sure that remaining in the same house, is going to be possible. You need space and time to be able to recharge and regroup as you go through this.

Wishing all the best

omg www.chumplady.com is amazing!

Holiday update, surviving so far, all quite jolly but OM is constantly texting which has wound me up a bit, but keep trying to detach myself and focus on DC's.

Noticed the other day she's Taken her ring off as well, guess there's not much guilt going there anymore but really I'm starting to train myself not to care.

Last night was harder, having a few drinks on the balcony reveals she is going to have a Skype call with Om, I say that although I know things are over marriage wise this is crowding out our last family holiday together and I'd like to stay fairly content for the kids. Accuses me of being unfair(!!!)

Handhold via text msg from a mate who's been through all this helped, so I detached, said 'whatever' and went to bed. DD insisted I snuggle with her as she can't sleep, her bed is right by balcony, so I can hear (ex) dw happily chatting and laughing with DM...

Was too much, started to break down so went to my own bed, DD now distraught, goes and cries to ex DW who carries on with her call to om. Finally dd comes to mine and ds room and 3 of us snuggles.

Have given ex dw cold treatment today, keeps asking what's up and why I keep huffing, erm... Seriously? No idea.

Anyway DC are having a lovely time and that is what is most important.

Read them two houses last night. Lovely book.

Not doing the Babette Cole one though as me and ex dw actually get on (for the most part) unlike the parents in two of everything.

Detachment is your friend OP!

Men's Advice Line

Out of the FOG

well she sounds a charmer-- !! refreshing change to hear its not just men who can be cheating, screwed up arses

What helped m3 to survive is "observe but don't absorb"

If you can not engage but watch what she is doing and saying it helps you to emotional control your responses.
Rather than react to her anger, observe that you recognise she's angry, her facial expressions etc.It really helps to keep you focussed.

I think you may also need to learm that you are not going to get agreement on some issues like 50:50, it may need solicitors intervention unless you are prepared to take less.

....and she's out there on skype to Om again, ffs. I'm sat right here watching TV...

Bloody hell DadOctave. You're a saint!!
You talk about an amicable split. Sorry it doesn't seem that way. She seems to be walking over you. I know you want to do the right thing for your children but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with being treated like crap.
I hope you can use all this behaviour of hers to help you find closure and move on in a way that is your best interests as well as your DC's. All the best to you.

"Man up" I hate hate hate that this advice is given to boys. All it does is teach them not to feel sadness, fear etc and instead convert it all into anger - which in some men (not saying this is you) then gets turned against the lucky woman in their lives and in others gets turned inward into depression etc. I agree with other posters advice about detaching in her presence, but do think you maybe also need an outlet for your emotions elsewhere if possible. I think it's perfectly normal to feel sad, afraid and angry in your situation and maybe you need somewhere to work that through (where you won't be told to man up)... Would you be able to go to counseling? Or failing that find something - gardening, walking anything to allow a bit of escape a few hours a week. I know it doesn't help to address the root of the problem, but it might help you deal with a horrible situation...