How to deal with intimidation, emotional abuse, and bullying

[DadOctave]

Last night I tried to stick my heels in the ground regarding that I wanted 50/50 care of the DC and I didn't want to move out of the family home.

My (ex) DW exploded and managed her usual beat-down that somehow ended up with me apologising for it all..... ffs (two way road, and she was the one who had an affair even though I freely admit, that as things had been so bad I'd had those thoughts myself... I just never actioned them)

It's awful, things are meant to be amicable, we're meant to be going on a family Holiday on Saturday, I don't want to go, but if I don't she'll go with the kids herself and give her a huge pile of bullets to fire at me.

I am feeling incredibly low, hollow and burnt out this morning. I swear she is also mildly gas-lighting me and taking advantage of the fact I am on Sertraline for depression and anxiety.

There is an overall pretence of friendliness and the rest of the time everything is normal and balanced, but typically as so often throughout our marriage when things aren't going her way, out comes a horrible, vindictive nasty side that beats me down emotionally into tears.

my RL friends and family have said I need to stick my heals in more, and I am seeing a solicitor week after next, but amongst all this conflict I want things to be a smooth and stress free as possible for my DC (and for myself) but if I continue to be a push-over, I think it will destroy me.

I %$king hate the phrase 'man up' , my dad always told me to be a 'tough guy' but never %$^%$ing told me how. and all that fills me with rage. I want to be positive and assertive, but I get caught every time, beaten down and steam rollered.

I definitely feel now that although she wears the same face, this person is definitely not my wife, and I am finding it increasingly hard to be 'friends' whilst this goes on.

I need more constructive advice than 'fuck her' or 'man up' or 'go see your solicitor' I get all that shit.

wtf do I do when the fucking monster comes out.

When I was bullied in school, my only way to deal with it was to completely shut off and close out the offenders and ignore them. This is somewhat difficult when I need to stay in the same house, stay amicable (even if she isn't) and do the best for the kids.

Or posting on here :)

Posting here as helped, as well as sharing with close trusted friends and family. Actually posting here has really helped, everyone is more objective although i feel humbled compared to what some of you go through on here and the strength and bravery you show.

Have stated running a bit, doing plank exercises daily which feels amazing.

Funnily enough her laptop has stopped working, nothing to do with me I hasten to add. But now she can't speak to him very well or do work. Bless. I've very kindly set up the work stuff she needs in my iPad as I want a peaceful life.

I wouldn't give her access to anything like your ipad as she could access your personal information.
As hard as it seems you've got to start detaching yourself from her. No favours or good deeds. She doesn't respect you anymore but she will attempt to exploit the undoubted feelings you still have for her.

As other posters have said get proper legal advice when you get back. If it hasn't already been done, petition for divorce and start taking stock of finances.I would pay particular attention to any joint accounts you have.
Go see your GP and if necessary get some counselling.
If she gets aggressive or threatening just walk away. She may be trying to provoke a reaction.

Look at your own finances and see what can be reduced as you could be facing some big bills in the near future.
Document everything.

I am going through something similar to you but am three months down the line and learnt some of the above the hard way.

Yeah everything is on course my end. We don't have any joint accounts apart from a current account that we use to pay bills and mortgage, so all my finances (what's left of it) is protected.

Ipad, she can't log into anything on that, first thing I did was remove access to all my personal email, social media etc, and shed never guess my passwords in a million years (I work with computers so security is constant part of my life, hence why it was so stupidly easy for me to uncover the affair)

Everyone does have to remember I am only painting a picture from my perspective, I suspect from her pov she is being perfectly reasonable, but then actions speak for themselves.

I used to hear about how other folks relationships worked at home, I know everyone isn't perfect, but I was like, I wish we did that or I wish she would do that for me... Kind of makes me realise how one sided its been for years.

Anyway I'm in danger of bitching on about shit that's wound me up for years, stuff ive put up with but now realise I've been taken for a ride. Tbh I'm not even sure she actually realises how bad she's been. She's often been mystified as to why she's been left out of social groups or friends have suddenly ignored her. I think I'm starting to see why.

Anyway enough character assassination, it's nealry 2am here, time to crash out.

My iPad is too old and won't work with her company intranet properly. Have spent ages trying to get it up and running for her. She's in a stress flap now about staying up all night to do 30min job.

She's actually saying if it dept can't get her of working in the morning she'll have to fly home early.

Tbh I'm thinking about crossing my fingers and praying here.

So yesterday she takes off to the apartment with the kids suddenly to do some work, takes kids to give me a rest, which I appreciate, go up after 30 mind as getting cold.

Interior her calling on, discover DD has done a pic of om and DW innocently. Then kids acting up , both declare they hate me. I decide to go for walk and beers.

Later stbxw and I discuss telling DC about me moving out, maybe tell them in few days after laying ground work. Then at bedtime she finally reads them 'two houses' (I've read it to them twice so far) then springs it on them (nicely) that I'm moving out. DD has a meltdown, I spend an hour calming her.

By now very late, we haven't eaten, set off in car to find takeaway that is open, takes me 40mins to set out some food. My mood is understandably crashing.

Get back despite desperately trying to hide my feelings stbxw susses something is up, keeps probing and getting angry, then gets angry I got her the wrong the to eat and in super foul mood. I feel so utterly shite I can barely eat, end up choking as I am so upset, luckily manage to blow the piece out (no help from stbxw, just panic) back to even more miserable, her still foul.

I go to bed, think about stuff, thank fuck I am going to be getting away from this shit one day.( To an extent, co parenting etc)

Stupid phone autocorrect. First part I interupted her calling OM

Dadoctave: I am trying to have an amicable relationship with my ex but no other party involved. He is manipulative and emotionally abusive at times. Still love him though. However if he was so brazen despite my attempts at keeping it amicable for the kids I'd have detached much much quicker.

She is doing a real number on you and while I understand you want to keep things cool for the kids she is playing up to that. She knows you will put up with a lot, she knows you well after all. You're leaving yourself wide open.

I admire you tenacity and in a few years I hope you find someone who really deserved you. To be calling the other man while you are on holiday with the kids is just damn right evil! You're doing really well. Like others have said, calm, grey rock, and protect yourself. You're kids when they are older won't thank you for letting her walk all over you. Time for you. Do what is best for you and in turn it will be good for the kids.

Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday. You can do this.

Back from hols. In the end we had some quite frank and open discussions again about everything that has happened, our arrangements now and so forth, told the kids properly about me getting a new house we sold it to them well and they're very excited. The book 'two homes' really helped. Generally up until today I was feeling genuinely more positive about the future, and also that my exW isn't as mean as she appears to be, more thoughtless than anything, she wants me to come out of this ok (really). It did help that I did have quite a go at her about it all and got a lot off my chest, finally sunk in where I was coming from. Also going to give me better notice/ask permission to go out with DC+Om in future, at least until I move out. Me moving out + 3/4 actually works out more affordable for me btw long story tho.

However now this evening now she's out with other man, I've crashed again, desperately trying to detach by doing other stuff, looking at houses, nosing about dating sites, but tbh I just feel horrible, really empty and wrecked. Trying to do all the things I normally enjoy and everything seems so pointless. Until I get my own place this is going to be a recurring thing, I don't really have any local friends and have to stay in with the DC, wonder if anyone else has gone through the same thing? (Separated, same house, partner out with Om/own) wonder how you coped, everyone says detach detach, fucking easier said than done...

Anyway will keep battling on, I'm sure I'll survive, hope everyone does ok with Thier battles..