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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I bin my boyfriend?

40 replies

wanderlust56 · 23/08/2017 23:25

Hi everyone!

So recently I've been having some doubts about the relationship I'm in, and I'm wondering whether I have grounds to end it, or see if I can stick it out and try and iron out the creases :(

I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now (not long I know) but I've just gotten to the point where I'm not sure if it's worth the hassle anymore. He's never been a very talkative guy but recently this is starting to really get on my nerves. I am always the one to text him first and he never makes the effort to even send me a text to ask how my day is going!! It's always me having to ask him how his day is going and what he's up to. He's also one for ignoring my texts outright and leaving them on "read", which I've told him in the past bugs me, but he doesn't seem to care, he still does it!

He's also not very good with helping me with some struggles I've been having (I have some mental health problems) but whenever I ask him to be more empathetic with me about this, he just brushes it off and calls my moods "annoying" instead because he says he "doesn't know what to say to me" to not start an argument.

Also, he still hasn't told his parents that we're dating and he never makes the effort to come up and see me (we live about 2 hours away from eachother by car). He says he's too scared to meet my parents and won't tell his parents about me because he doesn't want them "interrogating him"!

At the moment I just really feel like I'm putting in all the effort and I'm not getting anything back, whenever I bring up problems we're having he wants to iron them out but never shows me any support or improvement in anything. I feel like the only way I can get him to want me and fight for me is by giving him an ultimatum but I don't know any other way to make him understand that I'm hurt.

Please let me know your thoughts and don't be afraid to speak your minds, I'd really like some honest opinions! Thanks :)

OP posts:

twofloorsup · 23/08/2017 23:27

It sounds like you're not getting anything positive at all from this relationship. Wouldn't you be happier alone ?

AlternativeTentacle · 23/08/2017 23:27

what is the point of him?

Original poster

wanderlust56 · 23/08/2017 23:29

At the moment this is true but before, we had a good relationship until the communication became an issue. I just feel like I'd be even worse off if we weren't together :(

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 23/08/2017 23:29

Yes.

Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 23:29

Why is your bar so low?

Grumpyoldwoman007 · 23/08/2017 23:29

If you feel like this after just 4 months cut your losses. 🗑

thisfamily · 23/08/2017 23:31

he does not seem very keen TBH.
Not sure you need to expect to meet his parents at this stage, it's early days...and irrelevant as some kind of none relationship.

MusicToMyEars800 · 23/08/2017 23:32

I agree with PP, You should just cut your losses and move on, 4 months isn't that long, and it doesn't sound like you're happy or getting what you want or need out of this relationship.

Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 23:33

How could there even be a "before".
It's been 4 months!

TBH, I think it's quite an ask to expect a new boyfriend to help you with mental health struggles.
Absolutely out of order to say your moods are annoying. But you shouldn't be looking for support from someone you've only just met. Kindness and a willingness to understand, but not support.

Everything else aside - he doesn't bother to make the trip to see you. It's going nowhere. (nowhere good, anyway)

Dump him, focus on your mental health - he's not going to help that, quite the opposite.

And lose these thoughts about ultimatums and having someone "fight" for your relationship. 4 months in, nobody should be fighting for anything.

SweetLuck · 23/08/2017 23:34

Firstly, you don't need 'grounds' to finish with someone. Your reasons don't have to be 'good enough', if a relationship is making you unhappy then that is a good reason.

Secondly, do you even like him? It sounds like you're both going along with something you're not that thrilled about and I'm not sensing that this is going to turn into a love story.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 23/08/2017 23:35

To coin a phrase, 'he's just not that into you'

At this stage, it should be 'heady can't get enough', not 'can't be arsed'.

Imagine the rest of your life like this, he isn't even TRYING.... now run.

Hermonie2016 · 23/08/2017 23:36

Are you are staying with him because you are afraid of being alone?

If it's like this at 4 months it will be dire in a few years..it really is better to be single than tolerate someone who isn't caring.

Jason118 · 23/08/2017 23:37

I think you probably already know it's going nowhere. Chalk it down to experience and move on, he's just not worth it. Good luck!

Jedimum1 · 23/08/2017 23:38

Definitely bin.
4 months into a relationship you should be in the "I-would-go-to-the-moon-for-you-and-carry-it-back" period. It took me ages to find the right person, but 11 years on, neither of us would even have a thought any close to that, and we both had issues and ups and lows and medical conditions. This is not a guy that would support you through pregnancy, or that would help you to collect yourself if you lost your job, or that would cheer you if you decide to go back to education, or that would look after you if you were to be I'll. Ditch ditch ditch. What's the point? You don't need to marry or have children or buy a house now, but if in 4 months he's behaving like that, how will he behave 10 years down the line? Bin!

BackieJerkhart · 23/08/2017 23:39

It's 4 months, that's nothing! Seriously, walk away and don't give it a second's thought! You owe him nothing. Go.

Donttouchthethings · 23/08/2017 23:40

This is your honeymoon period.
It sounds like you're not the best match for each other. I think you could find a better match.

Jedimum1 · 23/08/2017 23:42

Elisandra, I helped a boyfriend with his mental health struggles at about 5-6 months into the relationship. We married and have been happily together ever since. That he thinks she's "moody" is not making any attempt to even research a bit onto what it means. Google is now there for bad and for good. Before we could not research symptoms and how to support someone without getting in contact with some medical professional. Now it's just a couple of clicks away. He's not bothered!

Original poster

wanderlust56 · 23/08/2017 23:44

Thank you to everybody for your answers, but I'm still not sure if I can end it with him :'( If I'm not with him I'm not sure I'd be able to find anyone else who I'm so comfortable around, and it's only when we're apart that things are difficult like this! When we're together it's amazing . I just don't know what to believe- every time we try to sort things out he tells me he loves me and that he does still want to be together but then he does things like this, I guess I'm hoping that I can make him change his mind...

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 23:46

It doesn't sound like you are on the same page at all op. I think you are expecting far too much from him after four months and considering you live two hours away. As a pp said you are definitely expecting too much in respect of your mental health issues, that said he could definitely be more understanding.

You are wrong on the text issue imo, some people are texters and others aren't, it's just different styles, neither of you is wrong but if it's not his thing to send how is your day/what are you doing texts then that's fair enough I think.

Not telling his parents and not wanting to meet yours is absolutely ok, it's four months!!

Not wanting to drive up is an issue, do you take it in turns?

I think you might be in danger of chasing him away, anyone who was talking of wanting me to fight for him, pressuring me to meet to parents, wanting mental health support and "how is your days texts" after four months would have me running for the hills, either take a step back and enjoy dating or go your separate ways as you seem to be at very different stages

BackieJerkhart · 23/08/2017 23:47

If I'm not with him I'm not sure I'd be able to find anyone else who I'm so comfortable around,

You were without him all your life until 4 months ago. You absolutely do not need a man. And certainly not one who makes you feel like shit when you are ill. Having a boyfriend is not essential, it's perfectly possible to be single and survive I know! Imagine that

OP give your head a wobble, don't stay with an asshole just because you're too chicken to dump him.

thisfamily · 23/08/2017 23:49

wander, he does not miss you when you are not around and that speaks volumes. You deserve better and to believe in yourself!

Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 23:55

Jedimum I haven't said that he shouldn't help her with MH issues. In fact I said he should be kind and try to understand.

It's great that you were supportive.
It would be great if he was.

But I think too many people too early on think that their boyfriend (this is just 4 months and the problems are there already so have appeared at what - 8 weeks, 12?) is suddenly their Number One Support. I just don't think that's sensible, or fair.

Wonderful if they can become that support. But 4 months in - no. It's wrong to expect it.

BackInTheRoom · 24/08/2017 00:13

OP I get that when you're both together you feel really happy but your relationship is long distance so the distance and lack of communication will make you increasingly unhappy. The only way to solve this problem would be for one of you to relocate to be near each other. Would you be prepared to take this risk so early on in the relationship? I wouldn't based on what you've said because fundamentally, you both seem to communicate differently? Imagine a long distance relationship where when you text your bf and he text you straight back! Omg imagine the banter you'd probably be having! Imagine the humour! Imagine him driving to see you and your getting dressed in your new underwear and clothes feeling your heart skipping a beat because you're so excited about his arrival! Is your relationship like this?

Jedimum1 · 24/08/2017 00:36

Ellisandra, I see. I read it as if you were saying that no one could, instead of no one should expect it. Yes, you do have a point there, that often we might put too many expectations on the other person and we live in a state of this should happen in my fairy tale. However, if at 4 months you cannot be sympathetic and try to at least do a Google search to see what might help (like "do not judge or say they are being moody or that they have no reasons to feel like that"), I'm not sure that he will be able to later on. People don't usually change for the better in a relationship, as if they had an epiphany. At least I never experienced that. If he's now a d*CK, he's likely to continue to be one in the long run.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2017 00:53

Not everyone can deal with a partner with MH issues.
That's not his fault tbh, although it probably means you aren't compatible.

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