Its the end isn't it?

[bloodyiphone]

Married 15 years 2 DC, I really didn't think I'd be posting this ever, but I've fallen out of love with my DH.

I'm so turned off by him it's getting harder and harder to mask and pretend. About 2 weeks ago we had sex and I went to the bathroom and cried after, I just felt awful. We haven't kissed for years, I don't like his smell, his taste or him touching me.

I will add he is lovely, kind, loves me to bits and has done nothing wrong other than take me for granted and be lazy.

But somewhere along the line I've switched off. I'm gone and I can't recover this.. I've been like this for maybe 2 years, keep thinking I can fix it somehow.

When we are out he talks in a certain way when telling a story and it drives me spare, when he messages me I get annoyed, I can't stand being in a car with him, don't like the way he talks to the children, he really can't do anything right, he really doesn't deserve this.

I'm bored of pretending, I'm so tired emotionally of being with him and trying to be lovely and nice and keep up the happy famlies game but I'm just done.

I can't see how to recover this? I also feel I need to let him go, for his sake more than mine, I feel just awful staying with him for the sake of the children when he has a chance to maybe find someone that really loves him.

I just feel so sad. And how on earth do i do this?

I don't know the way forward, but I am in a very similar situation.
Further complicated by the fact my DC both have ASD, and the elder is moving up to secondary school- it's really not a good time for change ATM.
Sending you strength and good wishes

Giving you much love! Acknowledging things are as bad as they are is one of the biggest decisions. You've done that.

The next big thing is letting him know and having been in your shoes, understand that this is hard.

You may find that this unfolds in its own time. I couldn't keep the words in any longer, like they were bubbling out

It really does sound like it's over. I've been in the situation where I had emotionally checked out of a relationship. Like you I couldn't bear him near me. However I'd given him plenty of warnings I was heading that way and he refused to change until it was far far too late and emotionally he was gone. In my own mind there was nothing he could have ever done to salvage it. You are going to need to be focussed and strong through this as it sounds like he may well not be in the same place as you. Focus on the practical things you need to do, put a plan in place. Act as quickly and as painlessly as you can because dragging it out will be cruel to him and give him false hope possibly. It will be tough and at times both you and he will think you are being very hard but you need to do what is necessary. It will be very painful for you both but keep thinking about your future and hopefully you can remain civil for your DC.

Thank you, It's so hard such a sad place to be. I know in my heart if it wasn't for the DC's I would be gone by now.

We have spoken, he's aware I'm not happy, but I don't think he has any idea how close I am to leaving. I do give him hugs and we have sex etc, so to his mind that means all is OK. But I'm just playing along with what Im supposed to be doing.

I've booked to go and see a rental property, to get some space.

I'm thinking of suggesting a trial split? But then I feel that's just being a coward and not admitting that I'm done, and giving him some hope.

Corroboree Likewise awful timing for us, which is why I think I'm delaying, but keep thinking another 6 months, another 6 months.. and before I know it I'll be another year feeling sad.

I kept things factual - my feelings had changed. That I wished they hadn't but they have. That staying would cause us both harm and that we may end up hating each other and that I didn't want that and hoped he didn't want that too.

He didn't believe me at first and unfortunately I had to repeat myself.

Talk to him, be honest with him, understand that he'll be hurt and may swing from being not nice to wanting to make it work, and back again...like a pendulum. Let him know we're your head is at...avoid the things like you don't like 'you don't like being in the car with him etc' stick to the facts...your feelings have changed and it's probably been a cumulation of things that can't be helped

I will add he is lovely, kind, loves me to bits and has done nothing wrong other than take me for granted and be lazy.

He hasn't done 'nothing' wrong. His actions have, quite naturally and predictably, eroded your feelings for him. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

Wheelycote–what happened with your DH? are you divorced now?

It sounds as though it is, yes.

It doesn't sound as though you've just fallen out of love tbh. It sounds as though you're really quite disgusted by him. I know that's a strong word to use, but it does sound like this is the case. I do understand. Especially the bit about crying after sex. It's such a horrible feeling. I've been there.

I had to leave in the end. I did and sometimes still do, feel guilty, but as you say, you need to be kind to him too by letting him go and giving him the opportunity to be with someone who genuinely wants him.

Good luck.

Thank you for the messages, i'm glad Im not the only one, it feels so lonely and not something I can talk about in RL.

You are right disgusted is a strong word and it feels so wrong when we get on as friends and have a happy life on the outside.

I've been trying to look for answers and work out why and when this went wrong, looking back at photos and thinking about situations that may of started this downward spiral.

Bloody yes divorced. Over 10 years now.

It was tough. He met someone married, had another child and divorced. He's marrying wife number 3 now. I think this one will stick.

They marry this month and I saw a picture on Facebook of them together. Do you know........he looked genuinely happy. One of those smiles.

It feels a bit bittersweet but I told him when we were splitting, that he would find someone that would give him s better life than I ever would because my heart wasn't in it any longer.

I'd love to say we remained friends. We'd been together 13 years, married 11 with two DC.

We didn't but I take some of the blame.
He would be nice and then not nice then be really nice...it went like that for a long time. I believed it was his true colours and distanced myself. I'm older and wiser now and can see it was plain old 'hurt' he was grieving for the relationship and going through a roller coaster of emotions.
Be firm, be strong and DONT react or take it to heart or have doubts about the person he is....when he does have the Jekyll and Hyde character / mood changed. Equally don't be his whipping boy either.

I found it hard too. My head was on board with the decision but my body wasn't. I ached for a long time especially things like bonfire night...family occasions etc. It was the right decision and after the first year and all those firsts were done with....that ache changed.

I went to uni retrained and have a career. If someone would've said in 2006 that in 10 years time, you'll be divorced, new career, living in West Yorkshire with been with my DP for 8 years. I would've laughed at them.

Leaving my ex was the best decision I made for me, dc and him too by the look of it

I feel for you.

I was in the same boat 5 years ago. Getting his laundry out of the bin to wash made me gag, yet he was a decent, kind, loving man. His presence I likened to Mr.Blibby, felt like hectook up the whole front room. I died a little more inside every time he spoke.

Our DC were 3, 4 and 8.

I got to the point where there WAS no dilemma. ...I just couldn't stand another day and I asked him to move out for a bit. He was very gracious then and has been ever since. A wonderful ex husband to have!

You'll reach that point too and it will just be a massive relief but, expect huge tidal waves of guilt rushing over you. My ex is just reaching the end of his 2nd marriage of 10 years and, now again, I feel awful for him. Like your husband, he deserves to be happy and loved.

I hope you get a resolution soon OP.

Sorry.....15 years ago!

Wheelycote–thank you, I really needed to hear that. I do see another life, I see him being with someone else.

I'd like him to be happy, but equally I feel desperate to just have some space to think to step outside of the marriage.

I think my fear of the "firsts" are holding me back, the thought of the family asking why, because they won't understand why I was breaking up what looks to be a perfect marriage.

I think most people would be shocked and surprised, I appear to be a great actor.

I'm very afraid of this being a massive mistake, but i also think for 2 years I can't be wrong, I can't live with these feelings for the next 10 years or more.

I think that's the crux, I care for him, I care about him– I just know he's not for me anymore.

I'm so so jealous of all these people where either they left or their ex did*.

It's a long hard road when that can't happen
*obvs in normal "end of the road" relationships

Bloody I have a friend recently saw a house for rent and went to see it. She said she knew straight away she wanted to live there with her children but not with her husband. From that viewing she went to speak to her parents to let them know she'd made a big decision and in same night told her sister and friends.

She said she did it this way so that they weren't surprised. So that they could get their heads around it.

I didn't do that. I told ex first then family but looking back my friend had it the right way round. That way she had tested the water for herself....had the big conversations, some tears and had practice saying the words that she needed to tell her H.

Food for thought for you. You may be surprised by some reactions you get. Some will say 'I never liked him anyway' didn't think he was good enough etc. Some people keep their thoughts to themselves in order to support your marriage

Just to add bloody be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions for yourself. Be very kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Don't try to be perfect but if you stuff up, be mean or lash out....be honest and say sorry. Your human and so is he.

This is a big decision but a switch will go off in you and you'll just know that this is the right decision....its just a case of putting it in motion. You sound like your switch has happened. Be brave

I think being taken for granted by a lazy partner can be very corrosive. Drip drip drip drip - it can wear away your love.

Hard to see especially if he is otherwise a nice chap. Hard to get angry about if you are an easy going accommodating person.

You can do this OP. Your feelings matter, your happiness matters and your life matters too.

I know of a couple like you (friends of friends). They decided they wanted to like and love each other again. They did it with help from a charity , I think it was called marriage foundation. I'm hazy on details but I think it involved a course they went on?
But I know it worked as they didn't separate, and this was donkey's years ago.

OP here–just had to change username lost my logins! I totally agree Boris, I thinking there is a massive degree of drip drip drip and this has literally crept up on me.

I'm the ambitious one, the risk taker and higher earner, the organiser, the man of the family if that makes sense, it's a role I've put myself in not blaming him.

But now I feel tired, almost like I've done my bit.. I've given everything and just feel flat and tired out, I've noticed i prefer spending time away, prefer talking to friends and activities that don't involve him.

I almost feel resentful when he trys to get involved in my life, which he does.. but at some point I've decided these are my things..

But all of that aside when I am with him we are good, and have some fun and we talk lots, but there just isn't any desire from my side to be anything more than friends.

This was me last year, almost word for word. I finally got the strength to tell him and whilst it's been awful, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel and am 150% sure it was the right decision to make.

And more and more people are now telling me that they could see how lazy, selfish and thoughtless he was, they just didn't want to tell me while we were still married!

This happened to me and I split 8 months ago, 3 months ago I fell totally and completely in love.... I wasn't looking for it obviously the timings been interesting but oh my god if I'd have stayed with him this wouldn't have happened..... interestingly he has a new girlfriend and they've been on holiday together! We have 2 brand new lives things aren't great between us but they'll get easier! Do yourself a favour look after you!!

Plastic –I've already had a few friends over the years comment on the fact that I do too much, and what is he doing to help and small comments even from my mum about how hes amazing and lovely but it would be a relief for him to pull his weight. Our friends laugh about how laid back he is.. he's just nice and easy going.

I'm glad it's turned out well for you. I just see two paths, and the picture with him in 5,10,15 years really can't happen. I can't even see it..

I suspect that people around us can see the dynamic but have accepted that i'm the driving force as I've just always said it's fine, I'm happy being this person.

Turns out maybe i've not been honest with myself, he was so happy for me to do everything i've fallen into this role.

No advice but I'm in the same position so thank you for posting this.
I'm not ready to leave yet, I've not quite come to terms with it. I'm scared of hurting DP and what my future will hold on my own.

There was a thread I was reading for a while something "like leaving marriages that aren't bad but just unsatisfying" I didn't post on it, I wasn't ready. But it seems lots of people in the same position.

I also sat this morning thinking subconsciously i'm prepared, I've recently got finances all in order, I've overhauled my diet and fitness, I feel good about myself. I know I can do this.. so the thought of hurting my DC's is what is stopping me.

The confusion, the whys the upheaval i'm just not sure if I'm brave enough yet.