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Original poster

DH 'networking' ('booze and birds') help

52 replies

Fearsfortears · 23/08/2017 17:15

First time posting so bear with me! Need an outlet and some support.

DH and I have one 4-month old and only got married last summer

His job in property involves lots of boozy nights out and I'm finding this really hard- Having difficulties trusting him.

I snooped on his phone after one too many times he returned home drunk.

His boss has been sleeping with various prostitutes (he also has son of 4 months) and he and DH have 'banter' along lines of

-DH saying he has a secret bank account to save for 'inevitable' divorce from me and 'whenever and however' our marriage ends his boss will be a witness

There is no evidence of DH doing anything with other women but there are sleazy texts e.g. 'She has a nice chassis' (bleurgh)

He has also made invited several blokes to a work BBQ selling it as 'booze and birds'

At home DH appears completely loving and soppy.

I'm heartbroken about the lies and the sleaze and this is not who I thought he was.

Do I

  • discuss with him and risk inevitable wrath about snooping and possibility of him just going more underground?
  • hold fire and see what happens?

Am I being oversensitive?

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/08/2017 18:09

Do you think he's just joining in with the misogyny to keep the guy as a client? If he's not showing any other signs of actually acting like this then this is probably the case. I do think it's spineless behaviour though and does not show him in a good light at all..

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 18:16

Judge the guy by the company he keeps. He is also a "tool"

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 18:17

If you daren't confront because you fear the nature of his retaliation, then you don't really have a marriage at all

Original poster
Fearsfortears · 23/08/2017 18:24

shoxfordian I think that is probably the case- keeping him sweet with banter. Texts to that bloke are very different in tone. DH makes lots of money from him.

I realise none of this makes DH sounds any better. Def Jekyll and Hyde- one face for work, another at home. His mates at home aren't like this at all - all seem much more family oriented decent blokes.

anyfucker it's not that I am frightened to confront him and I am definitely prepared to do that- just a question of when and how. I also am aware with our baby and marriage I need to be thoughtful about

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 23/08/2017 19:04

I also reckon it's just 'banter' to impress this tool, but I don't think I could respect my DH if he stooped to that level. It's pathetic. My ovaries just shrivelled up reading about it.

MoreProseccoNow · 23/08/2017 20:13

OP, property is a high-testosterone environment. It's pretty sexist IME.

Have you spoken with him in general terms about changes in lifestyle post-DC? It sounds as if he's not changed anything & is continuing on as before.

I'd be considering going back f/t in your shoes, as a sort of insurance policy in case you end up a single parent. Would you think about investing the proceeds in a flat/BTL in your name only?

Only you know him & the context of the texts/messages.

jeaux90 · 23/08/2017 20:49

Confront him. Tell him his moronic behaviour puts you right off him and that if he feels so negative about your marriage to get the divorce over now. Remind him that financially you can do very well without him thank you!

Once he's stopped crying and you worked it out and he's told you it's all bravado (whatever the fuck that means) then my advice is to get back to work when you can in the spring and make sure you are independent.

He is either an utter nob or totally spineless for not being himself.

I work in a very male dominated business and I see these kind of guys your DH is doing business with. Believe me, they are not respected.

chestylarue52 · 23/08/2017 22:12

jeaux90 good post

jm42 · 23/08/2017 22:27

Taking copies of financial information of his eg bank statements etc is illegal without his consent. Any solicitor will tell you that, and it is unadmissible in a divorce. I know that because I tried it and my solicitor refused to look at the photocopied evidence. So you can do that to find out his financial position for yourself, and find out if he lies about it but you can't use it as evidence. Everything i've seen on these posts is a huge red flag. Sounds to me like he cannot be trusted. My DH was having an affair for 2 years, similar behaviour unfortunately. Take photos of any texts or emails and use them against him in your divorce. He does not deserve you and you deserve better.

Original poster
Fearsfortears · 24/08/2017 08:19

Morning - I had to confront him last night, it was so obvious that I was mad and sad anyway.

He wasn't angry but upset at what he had said and the trust (lack of). He said that it was made up banter (re divorce/account) for this guys' benefit and talked about laddish nature of what he does.

I wa pretty clear about how badly it all comes across

jeaux for my own reasons I would always need to maintain decent financial independence anyway- wouldn't want to compromise my ability to support myself and DC if necessary

Thanks again. Was so mortified at how he came across didn't want to approach friends/family last night

OP posts:
2014newme · 24/08/2017 08:40

Ffs he told his bantz pals he was divorcing you.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 24/08/2017 08:58

Do protect yourself on the property front. With H being sole owner of your home and you having sold your house you should get those monies back into property so that you're in a position to buy a place for yourself in the future should you need to. Even just a couple of years out of the property market can mean your money just doesn't go as far as it did.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/08/2017 10:20

Look at how often the word banter is used on this thread. Women and girls are called bitchy all the time, we are told that we are bitchy as a sex. Men can be cruel, disloyal, sexist but we have a special name for it, banter. My daughter was bullied by a boy at school, guess what she was told all his cruel jibes were, banter.

This man is cruel and disloyal, this is not someone I would trust to have my back. Marriage is long and sometimes hard, you can become ill, all sorts of changes happen over your life. You need a loyal partner.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/08/2017 10:22

Lets get this straight, banter is when a man says anything he likes that is distasteful, sexist, cruel, disloyal, racist, whatever. But because he is a man society writes it off. Fuck that.

jeaux90 · 24/08/2017 10:38

Well done fears. You sound super strong. I hope he pulls his socks up. X

jeaux90 · 24/08/2017 10:42

And fears I became a single mum 6 years ago so you are right to make sure of your financial independence. I thank myself every day for being that sensible Grin

Cambionome · 24/08/2017 11:56

DamnDeDoubt has it completely as regards the "banter" - otherwise known as misogynistic crap.

Keep a very, very careful eye on your dp... to be honest he sounds as dodgy as fuck.

Cambionome · 24/08/2017 11:57

Sorry, dh not dp.

thisfamily · 24/08/2017 12:19

This kind of banter is really disrespectful and it is time men accept that it is the case and that it is not harmless. You have the right to feel sad, angry and disrespected by this and he needs to know how he makes you feel. Google everyday sexism.

Original poster
Fearsfortears · 24/08/2017 12:33

Good to hear the strength from you all

I completely agree about 'banter' hence quote marks. I told DH it was misogynistic and disrespectful and how dare he.

Really not sure if he gets it- why would he say in first place.

I've been clear about what I think and need time to reflect on the mess now.

What is it with (some) of these testosterone- fuelled idiots. And those that can have one personality for home and another out and about?? Immature and pathetic

I'm still not happy obviously but no way a pushover/lie down and take it type

OP posts:
thisfamily · 24/08/2017 12:42

Fearsfortears women were the underdog for centuries having to put up with daily abuse from men. (they still do in some countries, Morocco was highlighted in the news recently).
Men still fantasize about having total control on us.
Even though it is not directed towards yourself, finding out how little regards he holds towards you affects you in a roundabout way.
The big underlying problem is that women are viewed as a lesser being and this is bound to come out in one way or another in your marriage. So I preach 0 tolerance.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/08/2017 13:09

To be honest if he isn't getting it that is a huge problem. I would put the frighteners on him, tell him it's a good job he has been saving for divorce proceedings as he may need them.

jeaux90 · 24/08/2017 13:28

Fears. Laddish nature of what he does is no excuse by the way. My industry is very male dominated but I see plenty of men not behaving like that just to do business.

What this does come down to is whether he and you are in agreement about equality etc and if you are he needs to uphold that in all aspects of his life.

Like a previous poster I have zero tolerance to this over aggressive and misogynistic male sense of entitlement. I mean why oh why does he think that behaviour is ok.

I bet you are really disappointed in him x

Mrskeats · 24/08/2017 13:47

Why does being in property involve getting pissed and being an idiot? Are we are in Mad Men?
Couldn't deal with this. Awful

spudlike1 · 24/08/2017 13:55

His mr nice guy act at home is driven by guilt.....it is an 'act'
How much longer will you be manipulated like this.
Take all the advice you can get ....you only get one life

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