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Original poster

Ex wants to move to Wales... Where do I stand?

40 replies

SingleYoungMummy · 23/08/2017 10:00

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this question but...

My ex wants to move to South Wales, which is a good 2 hour and a half drive from where we live in London. At the moment he sees our 2 year old son every weekend. He doesn't drive and I don't think it feasible for me to make a 5 hour round trip twice a week to drop him off and pick him up. This is not including rush hour/Friday traffic which could double the travel time.

Our son is also starting nursery in January, and then school a year after that and I don't think it appropriate that he be shipped off so far away every weekend/fortnightly.

The only option I can see as being viable is that he sees his dad during school holiday time, but I really don't want to confuse him. At such a young age I feel as though him not seeing his dad for months at a time, only to be left with him for a week during school holidays would not be very good for him.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
SingleYoungMummy · 23/08/2017 10:00

Also - does anybody know where I would stand from a legal/court standpoint?

OP posts:
WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 23/08/2017 10:02

Have you asked your ex what his plan is with regards to your son?

If you can't agree then it will need to be mediation or court to come up with a plan unfortunately Sad

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/08/2017 10:03

How does your ex propose to solve some of the problems you raise- especially the one about how HE ensures that he still sees his son on a regular basis? You say he doesn't drive: well, that's not your problem to solve, that's his.

Offred · 23/08/2017 10:09

If he wants to move away he needs to come up with a (child centred) plan for contact.

From what you describe though it would make me think he isn't really that interested in contact and so I would be preparing for him moving away and not seeing son.

You are right about the disruptive effect on him on what x proposes but they are x's problems to work out. Do not agree to drive son, point out contact is for son's benefit not his benefit and therefore whatever he proposes needs to be child centred.

RatherBeRiding · 23/08/2017 10:09

I think you need to speak to your ex about how HE intends to facilitate contact, as he is the one choosing to move so far away.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2017 10:10

I agree with others.
HE wants to move.
Access to his son is HIS problem, not yours.
YOU do NOT have to drive to drop him off and pick him up.
As you are in London then Trains are available.
This is HIS issue to solve.

butterfly56 · 23/08/2017 10:19

If he is moving away from his son then he obviously does not see his son as a priority in his life.

It is absolutely not your responsibility to accommodate your ex by driving half way across the country so that he can see his son.

Desmondo2016 · 23/08/2017 10:29

My ex left the country to explore the world and find himself. Sees our kids 3 or 4 times a yesr. Best thing he ever did for me.

butterfly56 · 23/08/2017 10:30

There is also Skype or FaceTime. Apparently there are a lot of dads talking with their children via Skype and only seeing them during the school holidays due to long distances.

Sistersofmercy101 · 23/08/2017 10:32

OP whilst your thoughts for son are laudable and admirable - it is not your responsibility to sort out your ex. He is an adult with parental responsibility, that means that it is his responsibility to sort out how when where he arranges to maintain his contact with your DS. If he chooses to move then on his conscience be it - you have enough to do fulfilling your parental responsibility ensuring your DS has his day to day needs and future sorted without trying to do your ex's parenting for him as well! If you start down the road of doing the running, organising, driving etc then he will expect it to be a precedent and you'll end up with an awful situation of not being able to come with it. IMHO.

XJerseyGirlX · 23/08/2017 10:33

What makes you think that he expects you to do the drop offs and pick ups? Have you asked him?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 23/08/2017 10:37

Agree with PPs. His choice to move away so entirely his responsibility to deal with how he can see DS. Certainly don't become a taxi driver for him.

butterfly56 · 23/08/2017 10:37

Here is the article about using Skype Dads and a 2011 ruling by a judge which could be used in your case...that is if the father wants to do this

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3051155/The-fathers-children-computer-screen-heartbreaking-sign-times-divorced-dads-relying-video-calls-contact-children-miles-away.html

GreenTulips · 23/08/2017 10:39

Does he have family near you?

Maybe he plans on coming down via the train and staying at his parents every other weekend!?

Have you asked him?

His choice - like pp said he needs to sole the issue not you

mummwest · 23/08/2017 10:43

You really can't stop him.

There was a recent thread on here however where the mother was court ordered to drop her child off to the father as he moved far away and didn't drive himself, this meant she had to take the day off work due to the distance and/or book a hotel to stay overnight in the area rather than drive home plus pay the fuel cost herself, absolute madness but that is what she said in the thread.

I would say that situation is very very rare though and it will be up to him to sort out how he sees your child.

thethoughtfox · 23/08/2017 10:44

The legal advice my friend got when she moved was that the person moving away must do the travelling. However, a few previous threads that have gone through the courts have had the mother who hadn't moved had to facilitate contact by paying towards travelling costs.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 23/08/2017 10:51

Skype! You'll be left with 100% of the responsibility / sacrifice for parenting. I would try and get something agreed, even every third weekend would be do-able and would give you a break.

HadronCollider · 23/08/2017 11:09

One weekend a month?Sad

Original poster
SingleYoungMummy · 23/08/2017 11:21

He already sees our son at the absolute bare minimum (day time Saturday and Sunday) and complains about that as he doesn't get any 'time off'. He never has our son overnight. I asked him if he wanted to spend the day with him on the bank holiday so that I could work and he kicked up such a fuss that it wasn't worth it. He only lives 20 minutes away currently.

I doubt he will make the effort once he has moved to Wales. He will expect me to facilitate him as I have done in the past. There is a low likelihood that he will pay to take the train and he can't afford a car so it will be up to me to sort it out if he is to have any frequent contact with our son. For perspective, he has only just started paying me child maintenance (9 months after we broke up) and that was because I threatened to contact the CMS. I have to provide him with a bag when he goes out with our son full of nappies, snacks, wipes etc. He doesn't volunteer this himself.

Is it appropriate for him to only see our son during school holidays? I just want as little confusion and upset for our son as possible Sad.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 23/08/2017 11:25

It's the absent parents responsibility to collect and return child. It looks like he will walk away. You could offer regular contact and its up to him then. I'd be inclined to see what he suggests.

heidiwine · 23/08/2017 11:32

What should you do?
Talk to someone in real life who has some expertise and knowledge as to how the courts work and what is known to be best for children in these circumstances.
Every case is different and only a specialist can help you.
It's my OPINION (based on my own experience) that children benefit from a good relationship with both parents and that both parents are responsible for doing all they can to facilitate this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2017 11:40

I wouldn't worry about court, sounds like the chances of him bothering to go down that route are pretty much zilch.

Ask him how he sees things panning out once he's moved. Don't mention travel unless he says he assumes you'll be doing it all, and then just calmly say no it won't be possible.

It's sad for your son, but I doubt your ex is going to make any effort once he's moved, and if that's how it's going to be then the sooner he fades away the better.

She can't do it by herself heidi, can she. It's not for the OP to go to court or consult experts. She's not moving and she has her son every night of the week as it is. It would be good for the child to have a relationship with a father who is engaged, makes an effort, and shows up. None of this seems to be the case at the moment so how things might improve when he's living hundreds of miles away is a mystery.

Funko · 23/08/2017 11:44

Appreciate he is paying now but I'd be seriously considering opening a csm case now before he disappears and goes off radar.

If he has virtually zero contact and no overnights there will be no reduction for him under minimum payments.

You're already supplying everything to facilitate visit and he's highly unlikely to cough up for extra expenses in future.

Bibidy · 23/08/2017 11:48

Hi OP,

Unfortunately people are not correct in assuming that it's the absent parent's responsibility to completely facilitate visitation. Even though he's the one to move away, both parties are still responsible for ensuring contact with both parents, and you would probably need to meet him halfway, so he could get the train to an agreed location, and you meet him there with DS.

If I were you, I'd speak to your ex to find out what his plans are regarding your son, and tell him that he will need to meet you halfway whenever he takes DS, you will not be driving the whole journey while he sits waiting.

It may be that he still wants to continue EOW and so will agree to this. It may be that he sees it changing to just in the school holidays as you suggested. Either way, he'll have to start having DS overnight, unless he intends to come all the way up to London just to take him out for the day.

Hopefully he already has a plan in mind.

heidiwine · 23/08/2017 11:48

At the moment the child sees his dad for two days every weekend. When he disappears off the face of the earth the child will experience a loss (which could be similar to a death - i speak from experience).
I think that some form of face to face contact should be facilitated. I completely agree that there needs to be a child centred contact plan and I think that both parents need to work on that together for the sake of their child.**

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