Ex wants to move to Wales... Where do I stand?

[SingleYoungMummy]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this question but...

My ex wants to move to South Wales, which is a good 2 hour and a half drive from where we live in London. At the moment he sees our 2 year old son every weekend. He doesn't drive and I don't think it feasible for me to make a 5 hour round trip twice a week to drop him off and pick him up. This is not including rush hour/Friday traffic which could double the travel time.

Our son is also starting nursery in January, and then school a year after that and I don't think it appropriate that he be shipped off so far away every weekend/fortnightly.

The only option I can see as being viable is that he sees his dad during school holiday time, but I really don't want to confuse him. At such a young age I feel as though him not seeing his dad for months at a time, only to be left with him for a week during school holidays would not be very good for him.

What should I do?

PS. Definitely open a CSM case asap. He doesn't sound very reliable so you need a formal agreement in place.

sisters has it nailed.

If he's not interested and motivated to make and sustain a relationship with your son as his parent then sadly that's the end of it - and better for a child that it ends rather than it dies slowly over several years with the child old enough to realise the parent is really that bothered.

It isn't your job to facilitate, encourage and prod him into playing the part of a parent. That however is completely pants for you, particularly as that gives you no time off or childcare or sharing of responsibility ever, and you're fully entitled to be sad and pissed off about it.

Heidi - the trouble is you can't make the other parent be a good parent and you do your DC a disservice by doing too much to make up for their deficits.

E.g. Both parents live in same town, one parent drives other doesn't, parent who drives does all pick ups/drop offs because they are 5 minute journeys = fine but if what you end up doing is actually completely organising everything so that the other parent is still able to see the child and without you doing that the other parent wouldn't bother to see the child at all you cross the line from facilitating a relationship to facilitating their crap parenting.

He's going to vanish from your sons life, so let him. Better no dad than a shitty disinterested dad

I had a post about my court order that judge ruled i have to drive 6 hours to take the kids to see their Dad who moved away.

It was a few months ago and i haven't done it once. He has seen the DC a couple of times but came here and took them out for tea.

I totally agree with pp saying do not facilitate his pathetic parenting.

I would rather go to jail or do community service than do what the court order says.

The dynamic here is endemic = resident parent chasing and driving and phoning and providing every single thing to facilitate contact... But the non resident parent isn't even happy / content with that.
Seriously, is it really the best thing for a child to grow up being exposed to a parent, someone who is supposed to want to walk through fire for them, who in reality shows the child, "hey I can't even really be bothered even when the resident parent does everything and I don't have to do anything except show up and be lovely" how is that good for a child? Sorry, I hear it and I just get so arrrgghhh. Sorry OP.

Facilitating a good relationship with the child's other parent is so important for everyone I think it is easy to see how that happens and why people advise to do it.

But I do think there is no benefit to anyone if what you are actually doing in reality goes so far that it is not facilitating a relationship but facilitating the other parent's crap parenting.

You save the child some of the short term pain but you also prevent them from having a realistic idea about who the other parent is and you actually prevent the crappy parent from feeling the natural consequences of their choices which means the chances of them learning to be a better parent are close to zero.

I have spoken to him further about this, and his initial suggestion was that I meet him half way. This would be a 3 hour round trip (minus traffic, which in London rush hour could easily add an additional hour or two onto this) for both pick up and drop off.

Then he said he would be seeing our son more as he could have him for a week at a time. Totally disregarding the fact that he starts nursery 5 days a week in January so obviously this is an impossibility. Not a very well thought out plan there.

Not only that, but to be honest I do not want my 2/3 year old to go to Wales for weeks at a time with frequency. I don't feel comfortable with him being that far away, should anything happen it would be extremely difficult for me to get there.

On top of all of this, his parents (who he will be living with in Wales) are also very alternative in that they don't believe in medicine, vaccinations, doctors etc. His mum is very much into homeopathy and I don't trust them to take him to hospital or treat him properly should he fall ill. They have also shown flagrant disrespect for my rules such as bedtime and shown this contempt to my face.

Do I let him go for the odd weekend here and there? He certainly won't be able to go for longer than that once he starts nursery. Will the lack of a clear routine and structure to the time with his father make it even more difficult for my son?

I honestly can't believe his dad would be so selfish. Every time I look at my son I want to cry. He deserves so much better than this.

I think to be honest you need to tackle this head on saying that your son won't be staying with his parents for above reasons and that wales is too far for him to come whilst he is so young.

Put it to him that he needs to be the one to make the effort to be there for his son, that it's not his son's job to put up with a load of disruption just so he can see him. That he needs to decide whether he is being a father or moving to wales whilst son is so young because he can't have both.

I would just ignore him and what he wants and if he wants to see his DS just say yes that is fine pick him up at 10am and return him at 5pm. End of!!

I know that means you don't get a break but what else can you do?

I have sent him a message basically outlining what I have said in my PP, as well as making it clear that it is his responsibility to see his son, and that I won't have his life disrupted.

I work on the weekends and relied on him for childcare. I am so grateful to have my parents as they have agreed to look after my son whilst I work. I am self-employed and spent a long time building relationships with the clients I have, so at least we won't be sacrificing financially because of his selfishness.

You sound great !! Well
Done to you . I have a three year old and live 200
Miles from
My ex. Ex has him
Once per month and we both drive halfway. He also has him more
In the holidays -1 week at Xmas hols/ 4 nights in half terms /1 week Easter hols and two weeks summer. It's a lot of driving but I appreciate the lie ins on the sat n Sunday and I need a break . I work
Full time
So wouldn't be up for more
Driving . You are being sensible ! X

Just say to him son will be at your mum and dad's at weekends and he can come to visit him there.

Offred I have said that to him and he needs to travel down here to see his son. His response is that I am being unreasonable and I should agree to drop him off half way/pick him up every other weekend. He also said its unfair for him to bear all of the travel and accommodation costs if he comes down here, despite the fact he is the one choosing to move half way across the country

He is moving away from his very young son.

Offer him the chance to see him then leave him to it.

He can apply to court if he's particularly bothered, I suspect he isn't. He's running home to mummy and daddy for an easy life, your son is an after thought.