Honest opinions on 50/50 shared care needed…

[dameofdilemma]

I've read a few threads that are quite negative about the impact of shared care arrangements on children – would anyone be prepared to share (warts and all) whether they think it can work?

I'm contemplating separation from dp, we have one dd (5). We both work and share drop offs/pick ups and weekend activities. Dd has no 'favourite' parent and is equally happy with either of us.
Shared care seems the only option as:

• It wouldn't feel right for dd to see dp at weekends only. I think she would miss him a lot. And same if I were only to see her weekends. She's used to seeing us both regularly. I'm guessing we'd take half a week each rather than alternate days, to minimise disruption for dd.
• I need to continue working, I would struggle if I was the main resident parent Mon-Fri. Same applies to dp. (I know lots of parents do it but I work in a profession that isn't very family friendly. Many of my female colleagues have simply given up working.)
• Presumably we'd share the school holidays equally and take turns at Christmas.

I think we would have to sell our home (it has a lot of equity and I don’t think either of us could buy the other out).

So I (and it would be me asking for the separation) would be the cause of dd losing her home, having to split her time between two homes and not being able to see either parent as frequently (currently she rarely goes a day without seeing both parents).

Am I mad in thinking dd is going to end up resenting me? Has anyone found their kids blamed/resented them? Or have started to drift away and wanted to spend more time at their 'other' home?

How do people manage ground rules (how much tv, doing homework, eating junk etc)? At the moment I seem to be the main enforcer and dp just goes along with it. Is dd going to end up preferring being at the home where there's more tv and chocolate??

I feel torn between what I want for my own happiness and what is best for dd. Dp isn't a bad person at all but I just don't think I love him anymore.

I am in the early stages of this. Separated in March and sharing care with our two year old. I'm not far enough in to give you much advice other than, emotionally I am in a much better place than i was before we split. I felt I was constantly living a lie pretending to be ok when I wasn't and that wasn't doing my little boy any favours. I feel guilty sometimes, sad too that he wont have the two parents living together I wanted for him so I can understand why people stay. But now, I'm becoming more myself again.

Redbus/Daniel - thanks for your posts, they're really helpful.

Have you ever had times when your child doesn't want to to go (or wants to go when its not their day) to the other parents home?

My DD is almost 3, me & exP have been doing shared care (50/50) since we split when DD was 1.

We operate a 3-4-3-4 basis, with alternating every other birthday & Christmas (for instance my day for DD's birthday in September & exP has xmas day this year).

Initially it was hard & took getting used to not seeing her for days at a time & occasionally DD would cry & say she didn't want to go but these times have passed. I used to actively encourage it (you will have a lovely time at daddy's, mummy see you soon etc).

I have to say now it works incredibly well, DD is well adjusted, happy & enjoys being with each of us the same. DD gets to see exP family's regularly, all these people that love her & want the best for her. She gets to do different things without daddy, which I may not be able to offer her.

I think fathers have it incredibly difficult when you split. My exP was a crap partner but a great dad & I knew it would really upset him to see her EOW & severely limit his time to what he could do with her.

Do make sure there is flexibility if needed as things do crop up unexpectedly.

Whatever choice you make be happy with it, children are flexible & adaptable. I've had some negativity from friends regarding my situation but I hold my head up high & know deep down that I am doing the best for her. This isn't about me & what I want (I would love to have her with me all the time) it's about her.

I also used flexible working to work on the days DD is with my exP so a) my mind is taken off it b) no childcare cost. My exP does the same.

You mentioned a house sale, just for information if the care is 50/50 there will be no child maintenance payable as you both cover the cost equally. ( I provided nothing for when DD is with her dad & vice versa).

I have also kept the child benefit in my name as this gives you 'main parent' status.

I do things like hospital appointments etc, just because I'm probably more organised but keep him fully informed of any outcome.

Hope it works out for you OP.

It worked well for me until it went spectacularly wrong but that was due to my exh being in a relationship with somebody that it was not safe for my child to be around. We did ours along my shifts as he was self employed so he has them when I was on lates and nights and I had them on days and rest days. Over a 10 week period it was exactly 50 50 but not 50 50 each week iyswim. He claimed the cb in order to get hb and tc in order to be able to afford a rented house . I earnt too much to get any help other than the cb so he paid me the amount I would have got in cb each month. Ultimately I bought a house with my new husband and it worked ok for a while. In reality it was never 50 50 fully as any doctors hair dentist appointments etc were completely managed by me and I paid for the lion share of extra expenses, school trips etc and it would be me that realised when they needed new shoes etc. With regards to the social side of it I learnt I had to let daddy care be daddy care, they went to the pub too much, did lots of things that weren't within my parenting regime but i had to just suck it up. I think the kids and me always saw their real home and stability as with me and there were dramas along the way, mainly when they grew a bit older and started to not tolerate his nonsense. In their early teens both the older kids gave it up and lived with me full time and ultimately the youngest does too due to his dad making some terrible choices. They now don't see each other more than a handful of times a year and my children are undoubtedly much more settled living in one place. I used to be a massive advocate for 50 50 but these days not so much but maybe with a decent man it could have worked better.

Thanks all this is really helping me see it could work (emphasis on could..).

Did any of you sell the family home so your kids were starting out in two new homes? I worry about how unsettling this will be, along with all the other changes.

I've had the shoe on all three feet - when I split up with my kids mum they lived with her and I had contact because my house was a renovation project and it was no way suitable for them to stay with me.

Eventually it got to an acceptable standard... but due to some rather alarming child protection issues the kids came to live with me and had contact with their mum for about a year.

Then eventually the situation stabilised and nowadays we have 50/50 shared care, which seems to work out best for all of us.

A large factor in whether or not a 50/50 arrangement works seems to be the proximity to the school! my ex and I live about an equal distance from the school so there's no issues with either parent struggling to do the school run. Also, if you don't want to see your ex particularly much you can do the pickups/dropoffs at school - you drop them off monday morning, for example, and your ex can pick them monday afternoon... No need for awkward handovers at one another's house etc.

I work flexi time so I'm able to do the school runs when it's my week, and work early/late to build up flexi time when I don't have them. My ex works part time and she is able to fit her hours around school too.

School events and performances are split pretty much evenly, we both go if we can, if one of us can't make it usually the other can.

We both buy clothes/uniform etc to have at our houses, so there's no maintenance payable. We're fairly amicable about communicating which makes life a hell of a lot easier... If you struggle to communicate without descending into an argument things will likely be quite difficult! We text each other every few days about things concerning the kids and organizing the path ahead.

Things to consider - Who will claim the child benefit/tax credits, if applicable?
Who will pay for childcare, if required? (Bearing in mind that childcare costs can be added to a tax credits claim, if one of you is claiming tax credits and both paying separate childcare bills this can be a cause of friction!)
Which address will be used for school? (hint- the one that's in the catchment for the best school is a wise move )
How will you split the school holidays?
How will you split Christmas and birthdays? (We alternate them).

In conclusion, shared care has been amazing for me. While I lived with the kids mum, I was the stereotypical dad on mumsnet - providing a steady income, OK with the kids but mum does all the donkey work as the primary carer. Nowadays I am the type of father I've always wanted be, purely because the kids have nobody else to run to when I'm about . My relationship with them has never been better, the kids are well adjusted and get the benefit of a strong relationship with both parents. The eldest is doing a lot better in school than he ever was.

We had no home to sell (renting) but obviously DD still had 2 other homes to get used to (I moved also).

On her first day on the 50/50 I have DD her favourite teddy for bed so she would have something familiar to her. then went to work & cried let DC choose something to take with them. I've always told DD what we will do when she comes back (mummy take you to the park, soft play etc).

It is important to be encouraging & make it seem fun for them. Any negativity/upset around the situation will upset them. They need to know that you're ok with this (even when you're not ) they need your reassurance.

We have 2 kids and shared care. Basically he has them every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend. At the moment on his weekends I drop them off or) Saturday morning and pick them up from school on Wednesday.

The long weekends (every other) are long for me, but it stops them going back and forth. We had tried every Wednesday and then every other weekend but it wasn't good for the kids. We live quite close to each other, I work, he doesn't so sometimes he picks up the slack if I am busy. He is still in the family home, which has helped because most of there things are there. There has never been an issue with pick ups and drops offs. They moan a bit before they go, but generally they have adapted really well.

Mine are 9 and 6. Maybe when they are older we will do a week on week off.

Me and ex DP are also in the early stages of this with a DD who is 5. I initiated the split in June and he moved out in july. I - like you didn't want DD to only see her dad on weekends and she adores the 2 of us.

This is how we have temporarily worked it out (obv it suits personal circumstances for us) But we have her 50/50 (3 nights one week, 4 nights the next)

Week 1: I Have DD

Tuesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday

Week 2: I have DD

Sunday
Tuesday
Thursday

This way we both have her alternate weekends- Ex Dp has her for my Hobby on a Wednesday and I have DD for ex Dp's hobby on a Thursday. Its only been in place for a month but seems to be working well.

It does help that we get on really well though
Good Luck op x

Also works for us for the last 4 years we do it on a rolling week as follows

Week 1

Monday (after school me)
Tuesday (me)
Wednesday(Back to her mums after school)
Thursday (mum)
Friday (me after school)
Saturday(me)
Sunday(me)

Week 2

Monday (mum after school)
Tuesday (mum)
Wednesday (me after school)
Thursday (me)
Friday (mum after school and all weekend )
Then week one again ...it looks complicated but works great with free time for both of us and quality time with our DD .

We split all school costs 50/50 and holidays as and when it suits both parties.

Thanks all, this is encouraging.

There are no child benefit/tax credit or maintenance issues. We'd both continue to split everything 50/50 as we do now (I assume).

Am prepared that I'll end up continuing to manage all the school admin, doctors appts, remembering to reply to birthday party invites and buy presents, arranging playdates etc. But I do that now anyway. At least dp will be responsible for dd's laundry and meals half the time.

c3pu - your post strikes a chord as I sometimes think dp is a better parent when I'm not around as he can't drift off and start checking work emails or whatever. He's more immersed in looking after dd when he's solo parenting. I'm less resentful and more relaxed when he's not around.

You are correct if it's 50/50 then no maintenance is needed , with regard to birthday parties and presents if my DD is with me when the party is on I buy the present and make the arrangements and visa versa with her mum ..we also split Xmas , one year I have her Xmas day (she sees her mum for a few hours) then her mums boxing day..then swop the next year ..all works fine with little communication with my exw..

Logistically we'll need to work out how to split holidays - dp's family live 200 miles away in one direction and mine are 200 miles in the opposite direction. Dd loves spending time with both and is especially close to dp's mum (who's lovely), I don't want to jeopardise that.

Spending Xmas day in one place and Boxing day in another might not be feasible but am sure other families must make it work somehow?

The thought of putting all this into motion is terrifying. There's so much that could go wrong, I worry about dd growing older and telling me how I ruined her life.

hi OP

I think flexibility is the key and being prepared to compromise (i know, difficult to do when your ex appears to not know the meaning of the word...)

we have 3 dc's and have involved them in choosing days/dates/frequency. on the understanding that the final decision fell with their mum and dad.

i must say its working really well. He pays maintenance. We split uniform costs etc.

Hes utterly useless with money -i bailed him out quite spectacularly this year - ill not be doing it again, it was necessary (i believed) in order to proceed with our split amicably.

He was a horrible horrible husband. He loves the kids though and has had to grow up a fair bit since we split.

It can definitely work.

Wow, some really useful and informative posts everyone, going 50/50 here as soon as one of us moves out in the next couple of months.

I was wondering how many of you made it all legally official, did you make some kind of 'parental responsabilties' agreement or did you just sort it out yourselves?

Going through a (mostly) amicable split as we'd grown apart then wife had an affair which kind of put the nail in the coffin. Our children are the most important people to both of us in all of this and we want to get it right.

MeMe - I'm not sure how we'd ask dd who she wanted to stay with and for how many days - it can take her 10mins to decide who she wants to read her bedtime story!

As Dad has asked - did you all record the arrangements in a formal agreement or is it better to keep it less formal?

In our case its not formal. We just kept it between us as we both knew the other wasn't gonna "screw" the other around. We also agreed to split everything down the middle.. gym membership, swimming lessons, uniform and school trips etc ...

We was getting divorced anyway after my exw infidelity so ours went through the courts as part of the procedure. Just to add my DS was 15 when we split we sat him down and asked him how he wanted it to work for him and he chose to stay with me full time (it wasn't a surprise to anyone) he still lives with me now .

Oops sorry ..school trips , after school activities are split 50/50 ..

We currently split everything down the middle so guess we'd continue to do so.

One of the things that worries me is I currently work 4 days a week, so have one day I can pick dd up from school. Also means during school hols dd isn't in childcare all week and I have some days off with her. It means a lot to me that I have that time with dd and it eases the working parent guilt a bit.

If we split I think I'll have to work full time to manage the increase in mortgage. I've looked at house prices in our area and its unavoidable. I feel awful about that, its yet another way in which dd's life worsens because of my choice to separate.

On the one hand maybe its easier for a child to adjust when they're younger but on the other when they're older they can potentially have more say in the shared arrangement and can understand more.

Myself and herself are shared care..I see them Monday nights at hers, have them weds/Thurs am school run, then have them Friday night, sat, return to her sun.

In the school break, I have them in the week, she at the weekends. I work term time only, so it works well.

Plus, we're both flexible. If she needs me to, I'll have them extra, same if I need her to take them. My work are fully aware kids come first, even if I have to start late/finish early sometimes, they know I'll make the time up by staying some nights until 8-9.

Seems to work well, they get lots of time with both of us, things are settled, they're happy.

The only bugger from both our views I suspect is clothes.. They migrate back and forth, socks in particular are a pita.. We both end up with odd ones. We just get together and sort things as needs be.

I should also add, when they get to secondary school (5/7), there are buses direct from the school to both our doors.. So it'll continue to work well.. But I worry that the kids having the choice will equal one at each, and endless taxi and logistics..