Honest opinions on 50/50 shared care needed…

[dameofdilemma]

I've read a few threads that are quite negative about the impact of shared care arrangements on children – would anyone be prepared to share (warts and all) whether they think it can work?

I'm contemplating separation from dp, we have one dd (5). We both work and share drop offs/pick ups and weekend activities. Dd has no 'favourite' parent and is equally happy with either of us.
Shared care seems the only option as:

• It wouldn't feel right for dd to see dp at weekends only. I think she would miss him a lot. And same if I were only to see her weekends. She's used to seeing us both regularly. I'm guessing we'd take half a week each rather than alternate days, to minimise disruption for dd.
• I need to continue working, I would struggle if I was the main resident parent Mon-Fri. Same applies to dp. (I know lots of parents do it but I work in a profession that isn't very family friendly. Many of my female colleagues have simply given up working.)
• Presumably we'd share the school holidays equally and take turns at Christmas.

I think we would have to sell our home (it has a lot of equity and I don’t think either of us could buy the other out).

So I (and it would be me asking for the separation) would be the cause of dd losing her home, having to split her time between two homes and not being able to see either parent as frequently (currently she rarely goes a day without seeing both parents).

Am I mad in thinking dd is going to end up resenting me? Has anyone found their kids blamed/resented them? Or have started to drift away and wanted to spend more time at their 'other' home?

How do people manage ground rules (how much tv, doing homework, eating junk etc)? At the moment I seem to be the main enforcer and dp just goes along with it. Is dd going to end up preferring being at the home where there's more tv and chocolate??

I feel torn between what I want for my own happiness and what is best for dd. Dp isn't a bad person at all but I just don't think I love him anymore.

I'm doing 50/50
I personally hate it, but accept that I couldn't really work otherwise, and anyway, the kids seem reasonably happy. It was not me that instigated the split though, so I do get a few small grumbles about their Dad from them, especially in the early years.
I think a predictable pattern for everyone is important. I think one week on and one off is too long though. I do two consecutive weekdays, he does two consecutive weekdays, then every other Friday to Sunday. This is much better, we used to do four days on, four days off, which meant it was a nightmare to plan stuff ahead, and meant handovers in the middle of a weekend sometimes which was for no-ones benefit.
I find that there is nothing whatsoever you can do about the parenting in the other house. Unless it is something you would call social services about, then let it go. As she gets older, get her a phone. Still though, try not to call and text constantly on 'his' days, you wouldn't want your time interrupted by his constant calling, so don't do the same.
Money - I generally take the view that if the activity falls on his day, then he should stump up.
My ExH was and still is financially abusive, but as there's no maintenance with 50/50 he is limited to school uniform and lunch money on the financial abuse front (but he still tries...)
Flexibility- stick to pattern as far as possible but be prepared to swap days occasionally for things like a family wedding or funeral. Inform the kids and remind them, so they aren't confused. Offer up the bank holiday weekend in exchange for the next one. Plan something nice for your long weekend. Swap your days when asked so that they can book a week's holiday. Have your swap days give you a week away with her too.
Also, as she gets older, you may find she wants to go to an activity event weekend she normally does with her dad (say 'pony club annual camp') and it's your weekend. Let her go, it all helps towards a normal childhood. Decide where to draw the line. (For me, yes to pony club annual camp, no to Dad's new girlfriends barbecue)
Have duplicates of most things like phone chargers, coats, etc. Decide on types of toys - so, Barbie and her stuff live at Dad's, Lego lives at mums on the whole. That way she doesn't need to cart loads of stuff between houses. Is she at school? Have two PE kits. Keep one on her peg at school all the time so that she hasn't 'left it at Dads'
Don't be tempted to administrate for stbxh. I find I end up booking all dentist and doctor stuff, since otherwise they will suffer, but for most things where the failure will obviously be his, I let it fail. Failed to send off pony club annual camp fee on time? Bless.

Hi OP
Just thought I may be of use as an adult whose parents split up when I was 6 and DSis was 4. They did 50/50 splitting the week in half until I was about 12, then we did a week at one and a week at the other for about 2 years before we moved in FT with my mum while were doing exams. At that point my dad used to give us lifts all over the place (mainly school but later to our weekend jobs) so we still saw him daily and often went for tea with him. We used to do lots of occasions together still like birthdays and celebrations (except Christmas where we used to effectively have 2 Christmases).
In general it worked really well, and I am really grateful to both my parents for going down this route and I can see now how it wasn't the easy option.
So just wanted to reassure you that she won't resent you I don't think. Good luck with it all!

I think whatever arrangement you have the success is entirely dependent on how much change the dc are going to have to adjust to and both parent's motivations with relation to the child.

Where shared care turns out badly IMO is when a parent hasn't been interested or involved until the split, demands 'rights to my child' then uses 'having the children' as a way to continue to assert feelings about the split/control.

Sorry, just to add...
Our two sides of the family were also in opposite directions so for Christmas we spent 3 days with mum's side then went up for 3 days with dad's side and alternated who got the specific dates each year. Certainly as young children we liked this as it prolonged presents, but as we got older and wanted to see our friends in our hometown it became a bit of an issue, but we stopped going away for Christmas when both my sister and I worked in retail.

One specific benefit of the 50/50 thing that I always cite now is that I felt I had very good relationships with both of my parents having gotten to know them individually and not just as a "unit" X

E.g. My situation. H doesn't do feelings, the reason I left is because he absented himself from the emotional/mental load and housework when we were together, hid behind work. He demanded 40/60 for reasons of control and is now very 'I bought you this you can't take it to mummy's house' now. The children are not very happy and feel they don't have a home, feel pulled between us and there is very little I can do.

He sees them for tea every Friday at his mum's if they ask about staying with him on my nights he says 'it's ok with me, we'll have to ask mummy' he sleeps with them in his bed when they stay with him, his days are unsustainable as he often works from home when they are there just to be able to manage keeping his job and having them with him.

It's all very different to when we were together and he was all 'I can't do that because of work'.

I am 3 years into 50/50 parenting and personally it is the best thing that has happened.

DDs were 5 and 7 when we split and we do friday to friday, and have done since the begining. Apart from july - August when its 2 weeks on/off, tha was hard but i just got on with it.

They stayed in their house with my XH and i bought a flat not too far away for school. But for a year we did the moving out thing each week so DDs didnt have to. I felt bad at living in a flat at the begining but he garden and pool at daddys make up for it.

Everything is set in stone from the family court and so he, nor I can complain.
Communication is everything, if you don't thing you will get on then you really shouldn't go down the 50/50 road. We try and accomadate each other for family events and things that can't be moved around.
Christams is one year him / next year me

I love it and my 2 DDS have also got a great dad who wasn't a great husband, and that is no ones fault, i love him now more than when we were married, and i always will, our 2 kids are the most important thing in my life so we have done eveything to make it easier for them.

Fingers crossed things carry on smoothly as everyone grows up/on...

Good luck whatever happens!

Thanks all - some really positive but honest posts. I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this yet in RL so it really helps to try to see how it might work. Dp is mostly a good, engaged dad (albeit he can be a bit permissive, poor at reinforcing boundaries etc) and I wouldn't want to be the cause of dd losing that relationship.

Dame I know what you mean about kids making decisions....
I didn't phrase my post very well... we gave the kids 2 options and would check in regularly to make sure they're content.

The shared clothes is a PITA but it's such a small thing in the scheme of things.

It's in my interests for the kids to spend time with their dad, to see him adjusting and growing as a person, just as they do with me (except when I'm a snotty sniveling mess)

I realise we're lucky in that we respect eachother as parents.. It's far too soon to be amicable, but am sure that will follow naturally.