What does a healthy relationship look like?

[Imbeingunreasonable]

Hi all,

This is a weird thread title and I suppose from the outset it should be obvious.

Having come out of a stormy 5 and a half year relationship of which I had children in, I just wondered what a decent relationship looks like?

I could wax lyrical about all the shit stunts ex pulled on me. But I'm now reflecting on was he justified? Did I put fuel on his fire? Or was it just never meant to be?

So I'm looking for your examples of what a healthy relationship looks like when it comes to finances, housework, childcare, sex, hobbies and interests etc as I feel been left stunned by what has happened over a few years. Even though I ended it.

Are people comfortable with discussing hairy topics with their partners for instance or does it always end in an argument?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

My boyfriend and I are a team; we talk through our options and make joint decisions. We're moving in together in September and we have been working together to make sure all the logistics of packing and moving are organised.

He's kind to me; always. He's never dismissive or nasty. I'm kind to him too. We do really little things for each other that make each other happy. As an example he always remembers to bring ear plugs for me if we stay away anywhere (I usually remember myself). I always pick up his favourite free magazine for him in London as I work in central and he doesn't.

We both laugh a lot. We joke about things and we have little couple names for each other. Ugh. Disgusting right?

We like similar stuff but not all the same. We give each other space to see our friends separately and there's no jealousy. We trust each other completely.

Everyone has said it so well but we don't have joint access to funds (although we are both financially independent and dh has never refused to write a cheque, pay a bill or question my spending) and DH has made a few decisions over the years without consulting relating to property!

But - I've always liked him, trusted him, never had to walk on egg shells, never been humiliated, always been supported to the best of his ability even though I've often shouldered all the parenting and "wifework". It's been a mutual deal though and he has always acknowledged that he Couldn't have done what He's done without me.

At the start we had no doubts about each other. After 28 years I would say that marriage and life long partnerships are hard enough when there are no doubts, when you are well matched and when there are no problems. If there is love and respect you can navigate the humps in the road together.

Be clear about what you want op and listen to your heart and that little voice from within that you don't want to hear.

Go forward, don't look back, discard the negative excess baggage and keep the positives for your journey

You need to get happy with being on your own first. Make your life happy, see friends, see your family, go out, get fit, get new interests (cooking was mine). Have a holiday with your kids. Get your home exactly as you want it. Learning to be truly happy in yourself takes time. With me it was about 12-18 months.

Then and only then will a relationship bring happiness. You won't need a relationship as you are happy alone and entering a relationship knowing this empowers you not to put up with any red flags. I had a brief relationship after about 12 months. He was a lovely man but it wasn't right and I wasn't nervous about ending it. He was very understanding and we remain good friends.

9 months ago met DP. It's still early days for us but we're not rushing anything, we have a great time together, see each other once or twice per week. When we're not together we don't speak every day but most. I trust him, he trusts me. We both have our own space, we are both comfortable with each other's past. We take advice from each other, respect the others opinion. We laugh together, lots. It's a happy, healthy relationship. People around us (parents/friends) are trying a little bit to rush us along but we have both had controlling relationships in the past and feel no need to be railroaded into anything. It just feels right for us right now. Who knows what the future holds but whether good or bad I know I'll be ok

I consider my relationship healthy and normal, not perfect mind, we still have our moments, like mist relationships do.

I would say the things I enjoy about my relationship are; we have fun, enjoy spending time together, we can be silly with play fighting or we could be sat having political debates. We enjoy spending time apart, but I like that I miss him when he goes away on stag do's etc.

I feel safe, like somebody has got my back. He's the person I confess all to. And I respect his opinions.

Our sex life isn't great at the min as we are both tired with our busy jobs at the mo but we go on hols next week and I know we'll make up for it.

He can be stubborn and a bit lazy which can drive me crazy sometimes but overall the positive outweighs the negative.

The best way I can describe it is that when I was with my ex-husband it felt like I lived in a house that I couldn't feel at home in.

I kept stubbing my toe on the furniture, opening doors that led me into the wrong rooms, and I longed to leave and go home, but I couldn't find my way out.

Now, with DP, I'm at home. And it's the most comfortable, beautiful home in the world and I never want to leave.

Less metaphorically:

Laughter. Loads of it, every day. My DP is hands down the funniest person I've ever met.

Kindness. We just love to make each other smile. So, yesterday, he nipped out to do an errrand (we work together) and came back clutching two massive ice creams, with a cheeky grin on his face. Or, on Sunday, I always get up to make his breakfast, while he watches Match of the Day. No big deal, but it makes him so happy.

Sex. Chemistry is there. Nobody gets upset if it wanes for a bit due to tiredness. It'll always come back.

Communication . We talk endlessly. We always say that our relationship is basically one long conversation. If we're not together we text all day, just touching base.

He's my best friend, who I fancy the arse off. I had no idea relationships could be like this. It's wonderful.

Beautiful post Quiet I will add:

DH is my best friend, he 'gets' me, respects me, makes me laugh, makes me want to be a better person, and always, always, has my back.

Hope you will find someone lovely one day, if that's what you want.

Gosh I could have written this post myself - in fact I recently posted a thread with the same title, for different reasons yet essentially the same so following with interest.

My ex sounds exactly the same as yours. I agree very much with everything that's been put here but particularly what JK1773 said about taking time to be on your own. I know we're all different but after 16 months I was lonely and felt ready to start dating, in hindsight I'm not sure I was ready. I'm now in a LTR which I kind of fell into but question it all the time. Not to hijack your thread, but I find this all so interesting because my boyfriend is everything that's been described here. He's kind, loyal, tries to make me happy all the time, listens, helps, we can talk about anything. Sex is good but I don't know, just something isn't siting quite right for me which I just don't understand.

Anyway, this is your thread!! My advice is be kind to yourself, change your username - you're not unreasonable! - take time to get back to you. Being in that sort of relationship squashes the life out of you. It's hard work on my own with the children but as each month passes the blinkers lift more and more and I can't believe what I put up with. Yes you're tied because of the children but I mostly insist on communicating with ex through text as I'm not prepared to be spoken to badly anymore. Good luck! You've got great strength, you wouldn't have come this far otherwise x

OP: You could also have been writing about my relationship, which during the first 18 years or so I felt reasonably happy and if someone asked I would have said it was a good relationship most of the time (looking back it was never like any of the descriptions above, although I was very much in love) Last three years of hell and all the things you describe. Took a massive leap for me to leave after 21 years and 2 kids.

He also seems to think it was the perfect relationship as after 7 months yesterday I received another begging text to take him back. He was emotionally abusive and has big anger and anxiety issues.

Anyway, I wanted to say I feel the same way as you do, scared shitless of what comes next and how to ensure that a new relationship when the time comes is healthy. Some of the descriptions above are lovely. I saw parents who had a scewed idea of relationships so i don't think that helps. My parents are actually also separating this year.

I just want to be loved, cherished and treated with respect. That will do me :) I am kind of seeing someone, very casual, FWB type scenario. it won't work because of his way of life etc, but I already feel 100 times more comfortable around him than I ever did my ex, he makes me laugh, the sex is great. Like I say it won't be a long term (or atleast I am not expecting it too) but it is a taste of what I should come to expect in the future.

Don't settle for anything less!

Thank you for all those who took the time to reply.

The ones who say their partner is their best friend and they talk all the time had me choking on my tears again. He never took the time to get to know me. I pointed this out multiple times. He was so closed off I couldn't get to know him. I really did try. He was more interested in looking at stocks and shares constantly even at the start of our relationship when it should have been the honeymoon stage. He never tried to hold a conversation or make one. I now realise it is because he doesn't have much of a personality.

He strung me along while he slept around with other women. Then made me feel I was being unreasonable for not trusting him after that. Why i didn't ditch then and there is something I kick myself over repeatedly for. I have literally wasted 5 years of my life. I am early 30s now and feel I have nothing to give anyone. I can't believe it put up with so much shit.

He tried to guilt trip me (using his family against me) into getting the kids christened (yes, an sexually immoral Christian - the irony). I am atheist but he was just so nasty towards me about it my attitude to that became "Fuck You". He dumped me when I was pregnant over it. I stupidly took him back.

Whenever I had issues in the relationship and brought it up to discuss it, he made an argument out of it, dismissed me, belittled me and made me feel worthless. He never had my back. He lied to me, abused my trust, is constantly in debt - thankfully we never had a joint account. The house I live in (mortgage is mine). Ironically he is fixated on money which seems to be a key motivator in his life.

He put himself first in almost every situation that affected the four of us. He putting me first as "bowing down to me" and made no bones about it. He said it so many times in 5 years.

If we didn't have sex because I couldn't bear the thought of it, he'd become angrier with me, snapping at the slightest of things. He brought it up all the time "we never have sex, we haven't had sex for ages" I heard that so many times. I used to wake up with his hands down my knickers. Or pulling my pajama pants off when I was asleep and trying to put himself in me. Occasionally I stopped him. Not every time. I hated him for it.

Sorry, I could go on but I really do need to get this off my chest.

I only wanted to be loved. I feel so messed up.

I consider my relationship with my husband to be a very strong and loving one. It's certainly not perfect, but I am really happy with what we role-model to our daughter.

We are very comfortable and supportive of one another, and can sit and chat about anything and everything.

He would not hesitate to hold my hair if I was being sick over a toilet, or to tend to me if I was poorly (and vice versa).

We have both seen each at our worst, yet have stuck together and always try to work together a team (despite the fact we don't agree with each other all of the time). We have had blazing rows in the past, but accept that it sometimes happens, we then apologise and move on.

We make time for each other, make an effort to eat our meals at the table together (where we can talk, put on some music and dance etc), cuddle, hold-hands and generally show each other affection. I wouldn't feel silly about asking for more affection - I would just ask, knowing life gets in the way some times.

We have lots of days out as a family, but are also conscious to spend time together just the two of us (we usually have a date day/night at least once every school holiday)

I am very supportive of his hobbies and his interests.

We work well together as parents, but don't agree with each other all of the time - yet can talk about it.

We are not too stubborn to say sorry or admit when we have been wrong.

Thank you Competent.

I'm still trying to match up what has been happening with my life. I feel like it hasn't happened, it was all a bad dream or something.

But no, it all happened and it's playing on my mind all the time.

Thank you so much again.

He's gone, I kicked him out a couple of weeks ago. The after effects are still lingering and he still sees the kids. It's only now I've started to process what has been happening.

When I kicked him out I felt relieved and really positive for days but I didn't stop to think about any of it. It's suddenly the realisation is kicking in.

You'd never tell, I'm always upbeat around people. It's when I'm alone especially at night I think how the fuck can you be in a relationship with someone and treat them like that. I've no doubt he would do it to any girl. I'm just choosing to say enough is enough.

I now never want to end up in that kind of crap again. I want to wise up to the red flags and not just ignore them. I have had practice now.

I'm not looking for anyone at the moment, it's too soon. I want to be on my own for a long while. However if someone does crop up I hope I end up with the kind of relationships you lot have on this thread. I won't settle for less now. I derserve better. My kids deserve better. I'm only 31 so still got time.

You can tell I had a good cry this morning, it's done me some good.

Thanks for letting me rant on here. You're very supportive.

I'm glad I could help you in some small way Competent. Your posts have helped me massively as well as some other PP. I'm sorry you have gone through similar but glad you are finding strength in yourself.

I guess I just have to keep ploughing forward and not look back.

Occasionally I wonder if I've done the right thing when he comes to see the kids etc. But many a time he was at home with the kids he ignored them by spending too much time looking up stocks and shares and he never fully engaged with them. He only does it now as a novelty.

I need to find myself again. It will take time but I am strong and I know I can do this. I'm steering clear of the opposite sex for a long time.

He's presumably been to the pub tonight as he text me just after 12am. I was asleep at the time.

He basically ranted at me saying do I really want the kids to not see their dad (odd choice of words as he still sees them) and do I really want to be single then launched into an attack.

My phone made a noise so I naturally woke up. I should have known better than to read it but I did do, and stupidly I engaged with him saying the reason we don't work I don't feel like he listens to me and he dismisses me and the impact he has had on the relationship. I shouldn't have text back but it angered him more. Him saying stuff like "I don't believe you're upset, so can you tell me without the bullshit what the problem is without referring to X..." I point out that X is the problem but he just launches another attack.

If I showed people the texts I have received tonight they would not believe how someone could possibly construe an argument like he has and the things he has put. He has blamed, blamed and blamed me again in a very angry tone about us being apart. Then goes on to say "I see where your priorities are and how far down the pecking order I am" and then "I would sooner see you see you home safely (????) and kiss you and see you smile..." after he basically just attached me in multiple texts messages and belittled me. I cannot believe what he comes out with. None of it makes sense, he just seems to vent bullshit at me to keep me in my place, I don't know.

Needless to say I have to be awake at 06:15 and I have been awake since he text me. I only had an hours sleep prior to that. I wish I didn't have kids to this man, he is just so toxic. A fucking head-fuck. I want him out of my life but can't for the kids sake even though I think he will be more psychologically damaging to them just by his mentality.

What does it even mean "home safely"? I am home. My home. The one with my name on the mortgage. The kids are with me.

How can he always be so angry. Does he really think he will get me onside by being like he is? I absolutely hate him.

OP, have you thought about speaking to Rape Crisis?