I've never felt so lonely .

[johay]

Intellectually, I know that I'm better off without my xh, who had a violent temper and controlled every aspect of my life. So why do I feel so lonely and depressed? The worse thing is I keep ringing him on the pretence of talking about something practical when really it is because I desparately want to hear his voice! I am cringeing with embarrassment, because last night I emailed a pic of myself to him! I feel like I'm going out of my mind and it's worse now that he's said he wants a divorce. Before it was me who wanted to end the marriage.

He says he wants everything to be amicable, yet he changed all the locks on the marital home (he's not even living there he's in London) and he told me he had been paying £120 a week since March to the CSA and when I rang to check they told me he was lying. He hasn't given me any money for my two children aged 4 and 11 except £5 in an Easter card! He's a total shit right? So why do I still want him? What kind of weak pathetic creature am I ?

Had a little chat to myself and promised that I wouldn't make contact again. He doesn't ring the children I always ring and then he talks to them. I'm almost certain he's got somebody else because he won't even give me an address. He saw the children last week at my house, which was a mistake because it made me feel worse, but I don't want him taking them off when I don't have an address for him. He says he wants to do everything through mediation, not through the courts and initially I thought I could do that and that it might be better for me to negotiate with him rather than have some judge decide our fate. On Saturday though, I got a letter from my solicitor saying he intends to buy me out of the house. He never told me that. Anyway I am now on income support so I won't be able to have any savings as far as I know. I'm not going to let him do that because I think he is planning to let it out and get another income for himself!

I'm so confused. I read somewhere that you have to keep swimming for the sake of the kids even though you feel that you just want the water to close over your head and that is exactly how I feel. Sorry this is so long.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. You are right, you have to keep swimming for the kids and pretty soon, you'll reach land.... I don't think you are ringing him because he's such a great person - you just had a huge disruption in your life and somehow he seems to be the constant that you are looking back to. Keep posting - you'll have masses of support and although I haven't been through what you are, I know that people will give you emotional support to be strong and practical support to get you through the next six months or a year in one piece... whenever you want to ring him, post here and good luck

I think it's only human to feel as you do.You've shared a life with this person and I think you need to grieve for all the lost hopes and dreams.He does seem to be trying to take advantage of you,he's presumably had time to plan his moves,whereas you are always on the 'back foot',don't let him bully you into anything,you are allowed to have savings,about £7,000 I think.Hugs to you

Johay
Get yourself a solicitor!

You are doing yourself no favours without one.
In all likely hood you will be able to live in the marital home until such time as your children are adults. You are also entitled to maintenance from him for you and your children. He is fleecing you - don't give into his ideas. Please ring up now and make a solicitors appointment - you will be entitled to legal aid for this.

Please do it NOW!

johay, so sorry you are feeling so low - like boudicca said you are bound to feel grief for what you have lost, even if you know its the right thing. All I can say is that it will definitely, definitely get better. Its very hard, but just remind yourself every day that you have to go through the grief to come out the other side of it, and every day is a day closer to that destination.
Are you ok for housing?
Have you told your solicitor that he won't provide an address? And tell him/her about your suspicions about the house.
Sorry I can't really help with practical advice, but I would keep a diary of when he calls to speak to the children / when and where he sees them etc.
And I would get your solicitor to write a letter setting out that you want him to have contact and would like to make a proper formal arrangement about when and where etc.
Hope things improve soon.

Thanks for your support already. It is like grieving isn't it? Except that the person isn't dead and they are always going to be in your life because you have children with them. I have a solicitor. I took him to court for asaulting me but he got off with it. Not that I really cared about the verdict, I just wanted to stand up to him. When he was on bail I moved in to my mum's for a month and then found somewhere private to rent. On hindsight, I should have stayed in the marital home but ds didn't want to. Xh then asked to move in to marital home and I actually felt sorry for him and let him! He said he was going to finish the work in the house ( we were putting a new kitchen in). Consequently, he then changed the locks on the house, got a job in London and moved up there (with his girlfriend I think). He hasn't done any of the work. I had to break in to get some basic stuff for the children. He says he is using the house as his 'base' but I know that he has only been there twice in the past 5 months. I asked him why I couldn't move back in and he said that we have to sell it because he can't afford to keep that going and live in London. He is paying the mortgage and there is no chance that I can pay it atm. He seems to have the upper hand again.

Johay - is the solicitor you have got a family one or is it the criminal one you were using for the assualt case?

He has no right to change the locks - doesn't matter who pays the mortgage, assuming you are both named on the deeds. You can go to court and get a temporary order to allow you back into the house until the final settlement goes through. You really must speak to a family/divorce practitioner ASAP. You need to get tough and need to do this fast - please don;t let him away with this!

Johay - Soapbox is right please please get some advice NOW. This man is taking advantage - you have to find out what your rights are and make sure he knows them too. My sil is still in the family home even tho her ex-h is paying the mortgage and he can't make her sell it.

Johay, I agree with soapbox and jimmychoos, do get legal advice, you might find you are better placed than you think. It sounds like your ex is trying to deal with it all through mediation because he thinks it will save him money and enable him to push for his own welfare more than yours and the childrens'. You have no legal obligation even to talk to the mediator if you don't wish to, you simply say, no thanks. Do go to court, because that way you will have a court order and he cannot just stop observing proper rules of contact whenever he likes. Bringing up in court things like his locking you out of your house and refusing to give an address will alert the magistrates to your position and they will force him to observe sensible rules.

Now read your first post again and imagine you are reading about someone else's life? Would you advise that woman to care about her ex? Or would you hope that she will respect herself enough to want better?

You can go to Relate on your own, you know. It might help you to let go of this relationship and begin to accept the loss of it.

Johay, not much legal help here as I don't know anything about it but going back to your first question "why do I feel so lonely and depressed?", well abusing relationships undermine your self esteem and make you believe you really need the abuser in order to survive. In the other hand, everybody likes a good challenge and sometimes we can't simply understand how such a horrible person is not able to understand how wonderful we are, so we insist and insist and we feel worse and worse.

It's is dificult to get out of this cycle, because you need to realise and accept that it's not about you, he will be the same b however nice you try to be. As soon as you meet other person (any person) I'm sure you will realise about how bad things were and would be ready to close this chapter.

I think you are all right. I cannot trust him. Do you know what he had the nerve to say the last time I spoke to him? He said _ "Can I say something personal to you? When you find someone else, make sure they're not an idiot?" WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE MEANT BY THAT? He then said "Can't you get a council house?" I mean he cares soooo much doesn't he? Also after he kept pestering for contact he now says he won't be able to see the children for at least a month! He never rings them but I am going to keep a star chart for myself and give myself a star every day I don't ring him! Lol ! Well, if it works for the kids!!!!

PS forgot to say he's a member of that freedom fathers thing. You know the ones who stand on the top of tall buildings dressed up as superman. Shame he doesn't jump off! I didn't say that did I ?!?

I think you definately need to get the solictitors involved. Whatever else he is, he is not being upfront and honest about everything, which IMO is one of the basic requisites for an amiciable out of court divorce. The courts (I'm sure) will hear about how he has behaved and are likely to be 'on your side'.

I feel that maybe one of the reasons you are so lonely and depressed, is because you are basically a sitting duck, still under his control and working your life around him. You are basically in limbo waiting for your life to be organised by this divorce.By taking steps like seeing a solictitor, and by doing that finding out what you are likely to be entitled to will empower you and give you a sense of direction.

This man sounds thoroughly unpleasant and selfish, and like so many men, only acting in his own interests and not that of his childrens. If they were at the centre of this, which of course they should be, he would happily allow you to be living in your marital home. I think he hopes that by wrong footing you now he will be able to get away with murder with the divorce. Please DONT'T LET HIM!! If you are not going to act against this pig for your own sake, act in sake of your children who deserve better than this.

Closing this chapter in your life and knowing where you are and where you are going will stop you feeling so dependant on this man, who has not acted in a way, and I doubt he ever will, to be depended upon. Best of luck. Please let us know how everything goes. Hugs.

Get him to tell his comrades that he wants his so much cared for children to live in a council house!! Then one of those other nutters might push him off that tall building!!

Good samcj! Am seeing a family lawyer but she reckons the courts will rule that because I have a safe rented home for my children, there is no reason to move back to the marital home and that it should be sold. I don't feel secure here though, it is somebody's second home and I don't know how long we can stay. Feel like I have to tread softly now or he'll make things difficult for me. Think he believes house should be split 50/50 and that if we go to court it will be up to judge not him. I put £20,000 in to the house though, I paid for the deposit, it was a gift from my godmother.

Johay, you have a right to the house. He knows this but would like to intimidate and bully you into thinking otherwise. You have the children and he clearly has little interest in them otherwise he'd be making more effort. Keep a record of all contact he attempts so you can prove it in court if you discuss access in court. The man who dressed as Superman was a violent man whose wife denied him access because of this. Your ex is a bully and a shit and if you let him he'll bully you into letting him have the house. He will then benefit from the rise in prices (or a nice income while he works as well, lovely!) and you and your children will spend your lives in poverty. The alternative is to go to court, get the house and make him start again on the whole housing thing. He won't lose much but if he does he deserves to as a result of his cruel and inhumane treatment of you. I've read your other threads, the man's a psychopath or close to it. DON'T CONTACT him unless you really need to, get a good solicitor, and get back into YOUR HOUSE.

Johay

Get rid of that family lawyer and get another one! I think they are talking rubbish and don't seem nearly assertive enough for the task. Your ex2bh locked you out of the marital home FFS! He has no right to do that. Really get into angry mode and get this sorted out. He is taking the security and money out of you and your childrens hands. You need to get a lawyer who can really kick him into touch!

Thanks evilqueen (love the name). I have emailed solicitor to say that I want finances dealt with in court. I was going to do this before he tried to tell me otherwise. Now I'm worried that he'll try to make my life difficult regarding the children. See how much power he has over me? I always think if I'm nice to him he'll be nice back but it doesn't work like that does it?

Johay - i suspect that your ex will be difficult and controlling whatever you do, and you are best off dealing via solicitors. I don't know much about family law, but I would assume that you could argue that you left the family home because you were so intimated by your ex, especially in the context of the Court case, not because you didn't need to live there!

I know it must be hard for you to break off from your ex - it's not because you are at all pathetic - it is part of the way he controlled you that he made you believe that you couldn't survive without him/no one else would want you. Also noone is 100% bad, so there must be some good times that you look back on, or when you think - if he had always behaved like that then this would have worked.

Glad to see that you have contacted your solicitor to say that you want the Court to sort it out.

best of luck

Soapbox, sometimes I can feel murderously angry and then what happens is that I ring him and shout down the phone at him and then he totally changes my mind by saying things like 'I want what's best for you and the kids and we can work it out together rather than finance some solicitor's holiday!' And I fall for it every time like an idiot

thanks mummytosteven there were some good times and I think when you've had children with somebody it's bloody hard to break free even though you know it's for the best. I have days like today when I can see things in a clear light and other days when I honestly wish it had never happened and we were all back as a family again. My brothers can't understand how I could even entertain the idea of going back to him, but then neither of them have kids.

Johay, how could he make your life any more difficult than when you were with him? He clearly doesn't care that much about the children or he'd be making an effort to a) see them and b) make sure their lives weren't disrupted by having to move house. He doesn't care about forcing them into poverty does he? No, because he's vindictive and he'll do anything to get at you, even if it hurts his children (and hurting you, in any way, certainly does that). Even if suceeds in forcing (or keeping) you and your children out of your house and into poverty at least you'll be free (er) of fear and pain and being bullied as long as you stay apart. He might like to buy you out (course he would! Ha!) but you won't get a mortgage again if you're not working. And why should you? You've been at home with chilren, he's been working and he was violent and nasty and vile as a husband. He can go and get another mortgage and house, he's working! Sod him, do what's right for you and the children. That, IMO, means fighting him every step of the way on this one. Sorry if this is over the top, tell me to eff off if you want!

And fuck what he says about solicitors and holidays, frankly. Nice and compliant and ill advised is how he'd like you. Arguing and getting your house, a decent settlement, maintenance, and some control back is how we'd like you

Johay - I know been there got the t-shirt etc. Just trying to stop you going through some of the crap I did!

I know its hard to believe that someone you once loved and who you thought loved you can treat you and his children like this, but sadly the tale is all too common!

I know all the emotional stuff is awfully difficult, but that will pass, though you might not believe that now

What won't pass is if you don't protect your financial interests - once they are settled it is very hard to redraw the lines. You must make this the sole output for your energy right now and if hating him makes you able to take strong action then please get hating and very very angry .

If you can't do this for yourself then please do it for your children. You really must not let him get away with this.

Thanks. You see I let him have control of every area of my life especially money. Classic isn't it? Always wanted everyone to like me, even him. I'm the one who would give their sweets away in the playground rather than risk losing a friend! Can't lose my house though. Need to get self esteem and blood pressure up!!

WHO'S UP THIS LATE? Ooops only me? Love these emoticons. Got one for woman on the edge???