Intellectually, I know that I'm better off without my xh, who had a violent temper and controlled every aspect of my life. So why do I feel so lonely and depressed? The worse thing is I keep ringing him on the pretence of talking about something practical when really it is because I desparately want to hear his voice! I am cringeing with embarrassment, because last night I emailed a pic of myself to him! I feel like I'm going out of my mind and it's worse now that he's said he wants a divorce. Before it was me who wanted to end the marriage.
He says he wants everything to be amicable, yet he changed all the locks on the marital home (he's not even living there he's in London) and he told me he had been paying £120 a week since March to the CSA and when I rang to check they told me he was lying. He hasn't given me any money for my two children aged 4 and 11 except £5 in an Easter card! He's a total shit right? So why do I still want him? What kind of weak pathetic creature am I ?
Had a little chat to myself and promised that I wouldn't make contact again. He doesn't ring the children I always ring and then he talks to them. I'm almost certain he's got somebody else because he won't even give me an address. He saw the children last week at my house, which was a mistake because it made me feel worse, but I don't want him taking them off when I don't have an address for him. He says he wants to do everything through mediation, not through the courts and initially I thought I could do that and that it might be better for me to negotiate with him rather than have some judge decide our fate. On Saturday though, I got a letter from my solicitor saying he intends to buy me out of the house. He never told me that. Anyway I am now on income support so I won't be able to have any savings as far as I know. I'm not going to let him do that because I think he is planning to let it out and get another income for himself!
I'm so confused. I read somewhere that you have to keep swimming for the sake of the kids even though you feel that you just want the water to close over your head and that is exactly how I feel. Sorry this is so long.