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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The thought of kids and marriage is freaking me out

37 replies

Scrantonstrangler · 22/08/2017 11:52

Hi, so I know im probably worrying about this way before I have to but the future just freaks me out.
I'm 21 he's 23 been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We have lived together for 2 and a half years and have a dog.
He talks about marriage so matter of factly and mentions kids etc, the thought just makes me kind of panic.

I know im young, but a lot of our friends are getting engaged and having kids, its way too young for me but I think should still be able to think about it without feeling a bit freaked out??
I don't understand. My first ever boyfriend I used to think about it all the time and feel excited, i know I was young and naive, total first love feelings and never thought I'd split up with him ( so silly haha )
We are currently studying our last year, and after this we are planning to move to where we can find a job and start careers, that's okay but he then mentions getting a bigger house, thinking about buying somewhere more permanent.
I just don't know why i feel such an aversion to kids and marriage it's a mixture of woah can't ever imagine being ready and just cringing. Ive always wanted kids and to be married so I am so confused, anyone else felt like this ?

OP posts:

wowbutter · 22/08/2017 11:55

Don't marry him then, or buy a house, just carry on as you are. It is pretty scary, making these big life decisions. My husband was 21 when we got married and I was 22, together three years, and still together many years in now. I didn't think it was scary at the time, but it doesn't mean it wasn't.
He talks about it matter of factly, because he wants it. He isn't scared by it.
People talk about getting tattoos, which makes me feel terrified and anxious for them, but they are so matter of fact about it because to em it's normal. Different strokes and all that

FrogsSitonLogs · 22/08/2017 13:23

You're 21, you don't have to make a decisions about anything. Just stay as you are. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

chestylarue52 · 22/08/2017 13:29

You could live the entire length of your life again, and still get married and have kids after that. Don't do either if the idea makes you anxious.

Butterymuffin · 22/08/2017 13:31

That's OK but do be honest with him about it. Tell him you want to live a more carefree life for some years yet before settling down with kids. Then he knows the score. Has he ever asked you about your life plans, or has he assumed they're the same as his?

chestylarue52 · 22/08/2017 13:32

but he then mentions getting a bigger house, thinking about buying somewhere more permanent

oh I'm not sure about that love. I'd probably like to for a while before committing to a bigger mortgage. What do you think about that

Have the conversations. Don't be scared.

chestylarue52 · 22/08/2017 13:35

Weird formatting stuff in that post, sorry

NurseButtercup · 22/08/2017 13:38

You're not ready to have kids, no shame in that. Tell your boyfriend you're not ready and then put all your energy into excelling in your final year.

When I was at University the weighting for my final year was 75%, so all the grades I achieved in my final year determined my final degree class. I had two graduate job offers that were contigent upon me getting a 2.1. Now that freaked me out and I didn't have the headspace to think about kids.

Good luck with your final year

FrogsSitonLogs · 22/08/2017 13:41

It's ok to not be ready, you just need to tell your bf that. Don't just go along with something.

jeaux90 · 22/08/2017 13:47

Focus on your career and having fun and lots of experiences. Seriously the best investment you can make in yourself at the moment is making sure you are independent in your career and financially.

I didn't have my kid until I was 37. I'm a single mum and I am forever grateful to myself for forging my career.

Settling down. Meh! Plenty of time for that later if it's what you want.

RebornSlippy · 22/08/2017 13:57

You're feeling this way because you're 21 and you are too young in my opinion. Listen to what you are trying to tell yourself. I'd advise you speak to your BF though. Don't sit nodding and agreeing with him when he talks about the future, it's unfar and he may feel duped. Maybe he is ready, but you obviously are not.

From my own experience, 21 was the start of my adult life and independance. No way on God's green earth would I have considered babies and/or marriage. You're totally normal!

NellieUnkles · 22/08/2017 13:59

You could live the entire length of your life again, and still get married and have kids after that. Don't do either if the idea makes you anxious

This, absolutely. I got married and had a child a few months before turning 40, and wouldn't have wanted to do either any earlier. If you had asked me (or indeed my then boyfriend) about 'settling down' at 21, I would have thought you were quite mad. In fact, I stayed with the same boyfriend from my late teens, and he was the man I eventually married, so I'm not saying that relationships formed very young can't work, and bring enduring happiness, but in our case, we were determined not to cut one another off from opportunities, and we both studied and travelled and gadded around the world, and worked on different continents, and had an awful lot of fun and developed careers, in ways that wouldn't have been possible with a mortgage and children in our early 20s.

Don't let yourself be swept along in someone else's expectations of what's 'normal', even if you do love him.

Offred · 22/08/2017 14:12

I just don't know why i feel such an aversion to kids and marriage

Because you are a normal 21 year old.

You need to tell him you are not in that place and him talking about it as if it is the next step is making you feel anxious and stressed out.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 14:14

You're 21!

Many people are freaked out by the thoughts of kids and marriage at 21!

Original poster

Scrantonstrangler · 22/08/2017 14:19

He's not thinking about marriage right now, hes always said once he has a decent job he will start saving for a ring. So im probably nowhere near getting engaged for another 5 years which suits me but still makes me feel uneasy, like the fact it's in my feature just feels unbelievable and unfathomable in a weird way. I even worry will i even say yes i'm so anxious about it. At that point we would have been together for 8 years so id be pretty unreasonable!
I just can't imagine ever feeling ready. Obviously this might change.
Ive said to him loads how I feel, i told him I feel like i'm a million miles away from being in the ready to get engaged and kids zone and he agrees but i think I upset him by how against it and freaked out I sound by it. He's asked me "what don't you think we will be together forever??" And the question just panicks me i always say "you never know what could happen" makes me sound like a commitment phobe and i hate that.
I feel like i have to be realistic all the time.
Luckily we have similar ideas, we'd love to travel and just have fun especially after being skint students and he really wants to build up a good career as do i and he also doesn't want kids until loads later but he just mentions it every now and then such as " when we have kids..." and I get shocked that it's in his head.
Ahh i dunno.
At least you are all making me feel better by saying just keep doing what I am doing, i tell myself this a lot and glad to know I shouldn't be thinking ahead too much

OP posts:

Original poster

Scrantonstrangler · 22/08/2017 14:22

I think I am just feeling pressure because his best friend and his fiance just bought a house and are marrying next year, agreed they are in different spaces as have careers that they went into straight after school.
Me and him both say thats way too young and they are crazy, 2 sets of friends are married, another set engaged and pregnant but I think im subconsciously feeling pressure even though i'm not in that place and neither he is I think im feeling like I should be planning at least a little it however far ahead itll be.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 22/08/2017 14:25

Wow ........21 is so young to be in a committed relationship and living with someone (I know 100s of mumsnetters will now start saying 'I met my DH when I was 13 & we've been happily married for x number of years etc etc etc).

I know everyone is different but there is no need at all to be in such a serious relationship at such a young age - personally I wouldn't want my child to be so involved at 21.

Original poster

Scrantonstrangler · 22/08/2017 14:27

We were best friends at college then became more it was all very slow. We had agreed to live together as roommates before we were a couple as we both lived far from uni and commuted 2 hours each way.
I was moving into a flat and he offered to aswell to help save rent it all worked out quite well, we didn't move in together just for a next step type of thing but practicality i would have rather that than me get a flat and he end up staying over all the time for the easier commute.

OP posts:

chestylarue52 · 22/08/2017 15:48

There's no need to sound upset or stressed about it to him. If he says daft things like "He's asked me "what don't you think we will be together forever??" then call him out on it, laugh and say don't be so daft and change the subject. It's a silly question, refuse to engage in it.

Gre8scott · 22/08/2017 16:02

Im 36 now at the age of 21 i beoke up with my boyfriend cos he mentioned marriage and i wanted to work,travel and be myself . time goea by so fast i know have a four year old and a husband i was marriaged at 30 and still thought i was far to young!!! Enjoy being young youll be 36 before you know itxxx

Offred · 22/08/2017 16:08

My brother was like your BF. He married his high school GF when they were 23. He thought that getting married would mean they were together forever and that if he just threw himself into loving her as if they would be together forever then they would be.

She had an affair and left him for OM a few months ago.

From watching it as an observer the fundamental problem was that whilst he was focusing on how much he loved her and wanted to be with her forever he neglected to pay heed to who she really was and what she actually wanted, he just assumed that she would mirror what he was doing, feeling and thinking if he proceeded along the path he wanted.

I wouldn't tell him this because he's so very heartbroken but it was clear right from the start IMO that she was always trying to live up to who he thought she should be and she ended up smashing everything to pieces (including him) to get away.

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/08/2017 16:08

I still feel it now and I'm 39 with a 16yr old!
I'm not sure I'll ever marry/settle down but I don't have to, I can do what I want, when I want.
I was engaged to Dd's Dad, but he left when she was 6 weeks old and I've never wanted to marry or live with anyone since.

VickieCherry · 22/08/2017 16:19

When I was 22 I was with a guy who talked about marriage/kids. It totally panicked me because I was in no way ready, couldn't even imagine wanting that life, and soon broke up with him.

At 24 I met my now-partner, who I would have married within a few months of meeting him (though I didn't start to want kids until my early 30s). We haven't married and don't intend to, but the idea has never scared me because I know I'm with someone who makes me happy. Marriage wouldn't change anything, we'd just continue as we are now.

Perhaps this isn't the right guy for you. Perhaps it is. Let life happen, make the most of being young with healthy bodies and few responsibilities. Travel, go on adventures. People change a hell of a lot in their 20s - you might grow up together, you might grow apart. Just wait and see.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 16:24

You're 21! Of course you're not ready to think about settling down.

How are you going to decide where you're going to live next?

HipsterAssassin · 22/08/2017 16:27

OP the story of you and him sounds like he has gradually become someone convenient to share your life with. You don't exactly sound head over heels. Perhaps you have too much on your plate right now to think about your future. Perhaps after you've left college etc. you'll move on. From college life. From him. And perhaps that's what your gut is telling you..

Original poster

Scrantonstrangler · 22/08/2017 16:37

I am so in love with him, it's just like we are kind of in this limbo phase whilst we are studying, we want to move cities too it just feels for me like I am trying to get studying out the way so I know where i'll be next.
bertrandrussell
To find where we move next so we are both doing same degree ( its how we met ) he's very passionate about it whereas I am not but have done so much work for it am still finishing it ( its a broad degree too so will be helpful ). I want to do a career in something that was a hobby but I now freelance in.
So plan is, he looks for jobs all over country and we move to best option, and I will start my freelance at home business.

OP posts:

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